This Is Not an After School Special

"Josh, it's time to-" Josh's mother stopped dead as soon as she opened the bedroom door. "Oh, Becky, I didn't realise you were staying the night." She surveyed our sleeping arrangements, then seemed satisfied. "We're starting to cook breakfast. Come upstairs when you're ready." She made a point to leave the door open a bit as she left.

"Morning," Josh grinned at me, stretching. I heard his joints crack loudly.

"Are you sore?" I felt guilty for taking his bed away.

"Not really. Are you alright? Ready to talk yet?"

I hesitated. I really didn't know how to explain the situation without telling him what Matt had told me. "I need to talk to Matt today, that's all. I have to fix something."

"With Matt? What happened?" He sat bolt upright. Concern was etched into his features.

"Just a stupid fight. Nothing I can't make right. I hope," I added the last bit under my breath. I really did hope that I hadn't ruined everything. Now that I'd had a few hours to think it over, I realised how dumb the whole argument had been. He should have expected that I would stick up for Josh, but I should have accepted his warnings without getting mad. He was just trying to look out for me, like any true friend would.

"Can it wait until after breakfast? Don't get me wrong, I want you two to make up, but you don't want to miss pancakes, do you?"

"Of course it can wait. A couple more hours won't hurt anything, will it?"

"I don't really know. I don't know what you guys were fighting about. But it seemed pretty bad when you came here."

I scowled. "It wasn't that bad. I wasn't crying or anything, was I?"

"No," he admitted. "But I think you were getting pretty close to it."

"It wasn't that bad, Josh," I argued. "Let's just forget about it for now, okay?"

"Okay, fine. You should get changed before we go upstairs for breakfast, though. You're still in your dress from last night. People will start to talk if you're in the same clothes. Not to mention the fact that you're a mess in general today," he teased.

I ran a hand through my hair and felt how tangled it was. I assumed that I had raccoon eyes from my makeup, too. I reached over the edge of the bed and found my plastic grocery bag of clothes. I couldn't even remember what I'd thought to bring. I found a pair of jeans and a hoodie and pulled them from the bag.

"I'm going to give you some privacy," Josh offered, getting to his feet. "I'll go brush my teeth and stuff, then I'll be back."

"Thanks."

I waited until he disappeared with a small bundle of clothes in his hands before I slipped into the outfit that I'd packed. I definitely didn't look pretty, but I was comfy. I just hoped that Josh's extended family wouldn't judge me too harshly. I'd never been to a gift opening, so I had no idea what would be appropriate to wear. When Josh returned to the bedroom, he was dressed in a similar fashion. I felt relieved; at least we would both show up looking like slobs.

Josh's family all looked like they were more concerned with comfort than style when we joined them a few minutes later, so I didn't feel at all out of place. Actually, I felt very welcome with them. They didn't seem to have to make an effort to include me; it was like I just fit.

Once the gift opening was over and everyone was starting to go their seperate ways, Josh took the opportunity to remind me of the pressing matter at hand.

"Go and talk to Matt," he prodded, placing a bow from one of the presents on the top of my head.

I pulled the ribbon from my hair and firmly attached it to the leg of Josh's jeans. "Yeah, I guess I should. I don't want him to be mad at me anymore."

"You never did tell me why you guys are fighting," Josh reminded me.

"It's not really important, Josh. The point is that I'm just as wrong as he is, so I've got to at least try to make it better."

"If I know Matt as well as I think I do, the effort will make a huge difference."

"I really hope you're right," I sighed. "If I don't stop by later, I'll call you. I'll probably want to tell you how it goes."

"Good luck."

"I'll need it."

I walked directly from Josh's house to Matt's. My stomach was squirming nervously as I walked up the path to the front door. I really wouldn't blame him if he didn't want to see me. I rang the bell, then shoved my hands into the pockets on my sweater to keep myself from fidgeting.

"Hi, Becky," Matt's mother greeted me when she opened the door. "Come inside. Matt's in his room. You can go on in."

"Thanks," I smiled weakly, then kicked off my shoes and hurried inside. I had been in Matt's house enough that I didn't even have to think about where I was going. It was just a habit by now. I knocked tentatively on the door that I was facing.

"Come in," Matt's voice was gruff.

I pushed my way inside slowly. The room was dark, but I could just make out Matt's figure stretched across the bed. He lifted his head just enough to see who had entered.

"Oh. It's you."

"Got a minute?" I took a hesitant step forward.

"I'm kind of busy, actually," he joked, returning his gaze to the ceiling.

"I'm really sorry, Matt," I apologized.

"For what?" His tone took on an edge. "Choosing your secretive boyfriend over your best friend? Don't worry about it, Becky. I don't know why I expected you to listen."

I sat down on the edge of his bed, trying to keep myself calm. "Don't treat me like that. I'm trying, aren't I? I feel like shit about all of this. You were only trying to help, and once I calmed down a bit, I could see that. I wish I'd handled it better last night, but doesn't it count for anything that I'm here now?"

Matt sat upright and gave me a level stare. "It matters, Becky. I'm glad that you came. But I just need you to understand where I'm coming from. Even if you and I go back to being the way we were, you're still going to turn a blind eye to everything that's going on. Do you know how hard it's going to be for me to see that?"

"Yes, but could you try to see it from my view for a second? I hate knowing that I'm being lied to, I really do. But it's easier to accept that than to see the way that it hurts him everytime I bring it up. He wants to tell me - you said that yourself - I just have to give him some time to work up the courage to do it. I know that this sounds stupid to you, and maybe it is, but I would rather let myself get hurt than risk hurting him. And I'm scared, okay? I'm terrified of whatever it is that he's keeping a secret. You're right; if it wasn't that bad, I would already know. Maybe I just want to live in my little dream world for a little while longer before everything comes crashing down. Is that really so much to ask?"

I couldn't read his expression. I was completely oblivious to what was going on inside Matt's head. It made me even more anxious; I was pouring my heart out and he was making me wait out a response. Despite my efforts not to fidget, I found myself picking nervously at my fingernails.

"When you say before everything comes crashing down, what do you mean, exactly?" He asked, his words slow and deliberate.

"Well, I guess I mean that if things with Josh go sour, so does everything else. I kind of revolve around him now, like a planet in orbit around the sun. It's horrible to say, and I never wanted to be defined by a guy, but it's true. Even things with you are different now, and that was never supposed to happen. I never meant for it to affect us." I explained myself as best I could.

"But even if you guys broke up, I'd still be there. Even if things are different now, we can always go back to how we were. It used to be us against the world; who says that it can't be like that again? It just means that the rest of the world might include Josh now. Don't get me wrong, that would suck. But it wouldn't be the end of your life."

I considered his words for a long moment. "I guess you're right. But you get why I don't want to poke the bear, right? I feel like I'm balanced on a precipice, and even the slightest breeze could send me over one edge or the other."

"Becky, I want you to be happy. But do you really think that this is what's best for you? Because I don't. If you're going to stay with Josh and stay clueless, then I don't really want to be a part of it. I don't want to watch you give everything you've got and get nothing in return. You're not going to even try to get an answer out of him, are you?"

"Not yet," I felt really guilty all of a sudden. "Are you ditching me because of all of this?"

To my suprise, Matt laughed. "No, I won't do that. I just won't be there as much as usual. I don't know how I can be around the two of you when I know this much. You might be able to keep your mouth shut, but I can't. Keep me up to date though, okay?"

"Thanks, Matt," I hugged him tightly. "You rock."

"I know. Be careful, Becky."

I nodded. "I will."

When I left Matt's house, I noticed for the first time just how late in the afternoon it was. I had been planning to go and tell Josh the good news, but a phone call would have to suffice. My parents were probably on the verge of grounding me already.

I felt a lot better. It didn't matter if my parents were furious with me, as long as Matt wasn't. Even all the new drama with Josh could wait now. Things were looking good for me. Christmas break was just around the corner, and we would all be separated for a couple of weeks. I was going back to Alberta to visit family. I hoped that, if Matt and Josh hung out while I was away, nothing bad would happen. I trusted Matt to respect my wishes. I also knew that, if he had any choice, he wouldn't be spending much time with Josh until I figured everything out.

I just hoped that this would all get sorted out soon.