This Is Not an After School Special

I spent the majority of my winter vacation on the phone. When I wasn't talking to Josh, I was talking to Matt. I was trying harder than ever to keep the peace between everyone, but it wasn't easy. Matt was restless, and he was constantly threatening to investigate Josh's secrets on his own. I knew that he probably would never go through with it, but it still made me uneasy. His determination was giving me a small desire to see his wishes fulfilled, however, and I began to wonder more and more about Josh's secret. I promised Matt that I would try, at the very least, to find out what his issue was.

"Are you going to keep running up my phone bill all night, or are you at least going to socialize with your family once before you go?" My grandmother's wrinkled features were set firmly into a scowl as she walked into the kitchen and observed me.

I rolled my eyes. "I've got to go, Matt. Grandma's pissed," I saw her scowl deepen at my casual use of profanity. "I'll see you sometime tomorrow night when I get home, okay?"

"Are you going to go and see Josh first?" He asked cautiously. Matt was being extremely careful not to say anything out of line these days. The effort was completely unnecessery; I'd long since forgiven him for our recent fight.

"Yeah I plan to. But he has no idea when I'll get home, so I'm just going to pop in and surprise him. I called him earlier, but I never really gave him any details."

"Well have a safe trip, and be sure to tell me what happens with Josh."

My grandmother started tapping her toe audibly.

I sighed. "I will. See you tomorrow, Matt."

I hung up the phone and replaced it on the base, then hopped down off of the kitchen counter. I stalked past the bitter old woman and into the living room, where the atmosphere was considerably warmer and more welcoming. I hadn't seen most of these people since I'd left for Vacouver a few years prior, since it wasn't very often that we took the long road trip back. Dad always preferred driving, even though flying would have been much faster. And safer, given the icy conditions of the winding roads through the mountains.

"Becky, come play with us!" My little cousin, Darlene, cried out as soon as I walked into the room. She and her sister, Crystal, were gathered around an elegant doll house that had been their Christmas gift this year. They were also staying in my grandparents' spacious farmhouse, so they had long since convinced their father to assemble the doll house so that they could play with it.

I sat down on the couch next to the only person that was relatively close to my age: my cousin Bryan. He was about three years older than me, but we used to get along really well as children. I hadn't really talked to him much during this trip.

"Maybe later, girls," I told Darlene and Crystal. I really wasn't in the mood to play with Barbie dolls. "How have you been, Bryan?" I asked, trying to obey my grandmother's wishes and at least act like I cared what was going on with my relatives.

The rest of the night went by slowly. No matter what I did or who I talked to, I couldn't focus on the present. Some of the extended family went home that night, but there was a few of us who remained behind. I spent my last hour or so of the evening up in the room that I was sharing with the younger girls, packing everything that I had brought with me. We were leaving first thing in the morning, and I could hardly contain my anticipation. I really wanted to go back home. I didn't realise before just how much I loved it there. Plus, I was missing Josh more than I was willing to openly admit.

My parents seemed as anxious to leave as I was. Mom shook me awake at five in the morning, whispering that it was time to go. I was still half asleep, but I hauled my things down to the car and crawled into the backseat, still dressed in my pajamas. When Mom and Dad got into the front seats, Mom passed me back a blueberry muffin and a juice box. I ignored them, closing my eyes and wishing for sleep. In my opinion, if the sun wasn't up it wasn't truly a new day yet.

The trip was long and arduous; I truly hated being stuck in such close confines with my parents for so long. I tried and failed to take naps throughout the day. My mind wouldn't slow down long enough to allow slumber. By the time the city lights of Vancouver came into view, I was practically shaking in my seat. Any sane person would have split the trip into at least two days, but Dad had argued that he would rather sleep in his own bed than in any hotel. I couldn't really argue with him over it, since I was more excited to get home than any of them.

I threw my bag into my bedroom and tore through the rest of the house, calling over my shoulder that I was going to go and see Josh and Matt.

"Don't you at least want to put real clothes on first?" Mom yelled after me.

"Nope! I shouldn't be out too late!"

"You're sure it can't wait until the morning? You still have a whole day off before school starts."

"Yeah, I'll probably be spending tomorrow with them, too. See you later!"

I raced down the streets, vaguely registering that I must have looked crazy doing so. But I refused to slow down; I had too much to look forward to. I had been planning out my arrival for the last three hours of the journey. As long as Josh had kept his promise to leave his window unlocked, I had it figured out down to a tee. It was dinnertime by now, so he would be on the main floor eating with his family. When he went back to his bedroom, I would be waiting. I knew that he wouldn't care if I was in my pajamas and hadn't showered since the day before. He was going to be as happy to see me as I was him. I couldn't wait to see the surprise on his face.

The window pane slid open easily and virtually silently under my fingers. The bedroom was dark, so I was sure that I would succeed in my plan. I had a bit of difficulty climbing inside, but it didn't matter if I wasn't graceful right now. I fell to my knees on the landing, and I let out a quiet grunt at the impact.

I heard a gasp from inside the room, and I whirled around in a flurry to see who was there. I could see better now that I was in the midst of the darkness, as opposed to being outside and looking in. Josh was sitting, hunched over on the edge of his bed. His eyes were wide with shock and his complexion was ghostly pale. It took a moment for me to register that there wasn't mere surprise in his stare; there was fear.

And then my eyes drifted downward, and I understood why.

My chest constricted, and I felt like I was choking. My heart raced uncontrollably, and I began to tremble. I was glad that I was already on my knees, because my legs surely wouldn't have been able to hold my weight anymore.

"What the hell is that?" I managed to ask finally. It felt like we'd been sitting there forever, neither of us able to move a muscle.

"Becky, I-"

"What is that, Josh?" My voice was faint. I couldn't seem to inhale properly.

He glanced down to the spot where my eyes were glued. A piece of string was wrapped around his left bicep multiple times, so tightly that it was cutting off his circulation.

"It's a tourniquet," he replied. I couldn't tell if it was shame or worry in his voice. Maybe a combination of the two.

"I know what it is," I tried to clarify. "I should have been more specific. What is it doing on your arm?"

He looked away from me. Panic flooded my body, and I lurched to my feet. Somehow, I made my way across the room and fell to the floor again in front of Josh. I grasped his hands, pulling something cylindrical and hard from his clutches: a needle. A small, choked sob tore from my throat and tears burned my eyes. I dropped the needle. I wanted to throw it, to watch it shatter into a million pieces, but I couldn't find the strength. I slumped down against his legs, feeling defeated.

"How long?" I whispered.

"Let me expl-"

"Josh, don't." I commanded, holding up a hand to stop him. "Please. I don't want to hear you try and justify it. How long has this been going on?"

"You don't want to know."

"You lied the whole time. Everything with me, that was all fake, wasn't it? All of it was just a side affect of... of heroin?" The word was harder to spit out than I'd thought. It was horrible and dirty, and the mere thought made me want to vomit. Josh was on drugs. Heroin. I couldn't think of anything worse.

"No, Becky. Everything with you is real. I want to quit so badly. For you. You make me want to be better. It makes me sick inside to think that I've been hurting you this whole time over this. I'm sorry."

"You're sorry?" The tears began to flow down my cheeks. "You're killing yourself! You're literally dying right before my eyes and I can't do anything to stop it. Because, obviously, I'm not enough to make you quit. How was I able to ignore all of this?"

"I got pretty good at hiding it. It's not exactly something that I want people to know, for obvious reasons. Everytime I got a fix, everytime I met with my dealer, it was just so easy for you to believe that it wasn't true. I wanted you to be right, Becky. I never meant for you to find out. I wanted to get clean before you ever know."

I tried to sort through what he was saying. He made it seem like I had been there, by his side through everything. I understood now that I had.

I knew now why guy with the beady, dark eyes that Josh had been talking to by the corner store was familiar. I had seen him before. The first party that Josh had taken me to, I had seen the other guy there. He had been staring at me, and Josh had offered to tell him to fuck off. And he'd gone to the bathroom shortly after. Or, at least, he'd said that he had gone to the bathroom. Had he really been doing a drug deal? And the last party we'd been to, he had gone the complete wrong direction in an effort to find the bathroom. Was he meeting his dealer then, too? He had had that suspicious package when he'd gotten home. And this was, no doubt, what had kept him so occupied after school. He'd needed a hit. It really had been so obvious; he'd made so many seemingly random comments that now made perfect sense. I hated myself for not listening to Matt and pursuing this sooner.

"Did you really think I would never find out?"

He shook his head sheepishly. "No. But I was hoping. I was stupid, and I can't make up for that now."

"You think that the lies were the dumb part?" I shot back. I knew the words would hurt him, and I intended for them to. He had just hurt me worse than I'd thought possible.

"Can we talk about this like adults, please?"

"Are you fucking kidding me? There is no way that I can calm down and rationalize anything right now. I've got to go." I pushed myself to my feet. "I can't be here right now."

"Becky, please wait," he begged.

"I need some time." I stated, ignoring his plea. I placed my foot firmly on the edge of a small bookshelf and, with a lot of effort, heaved myself up through the window.

"I love you," Josh called after me as I began to close the window.

Just as the window slid firmly into place, I whispered, "I wish I didn't feel the same," to myself. I knew that he couldn't hear it, and I didn't want him to. I really, truly did wish that it was as simple as just deciding not to love him anymore.

The city streets blurred into one another as I wiped away my tears. A few people gave me concerned glances as they drove by, but I barely noticed. I only knew of one place that I wanted to be right then. I didn't want to knock on the door, because I knew that Mrs. Webb would overreact to my current state. Instead, I picked up a few pebbles and tossed them at Matt's window. The sobs increased in frequency as I recalled the time that Josh and I had done the same thing.

"Becky? What happened?" Matt's voice reached me from afar.

I looked up, fighting back the urge to cry freely. "I'm so, so sorry Matt. You were right. You were right about everything."