This Is Not an After School Special

The next three weeks - my last three weeks - went by all too quickly. I spent my evenings packing and trying to prepare myself for the inevitable pain and heartbreak, and my weekends were crammed with as much time with Matt and Josh as I could possibly squeeze in. Mom and Dad didn't enforce my curfew, and there were some nights that I didn't come home at all. As long as I called to warn them, they were okay.

I wished that those nights could be spent in the rehab center with Josh, but I seemed to be pushing my luck as it was. The nurses and counsellors at the facility knew me by name, and they seemed to be sick of my constant visits. More than once, I heard them grumbling something about the visiting policies being abused.

"Don't worry," I snapped in irritation on my last visit as one nurse complained to another about me. "You won't have to put up with me anymore. You will, however, have to deal with whatever happens to that boy once I'm gone. Good luck with that."

"Whoa, Beck, calm down," Matt placed a hand on my shoulder. "How should they know the reason you've been spending so much time here?"

I'd been fighting back tears the whole day thus far, and I felt that I was nearly at my breaking point. "Even without a reason like this, I would want to be here. They shouldn't care. If people are going to be stuck in here for months at a time, shouldn't they have the opportunity to make the best of it? Why can't they be allowed to be happy?"

"I know that today is going to be really hard for you, but you can't take it out on everyone else. Especially not Josh. This is going to be even worse for him, you know. He waits for your visits religiously. I don't want to know what's going to happen to him now. Or to me, for that matter."

"Please, Matt, don't make this harder. It's bad enough knowing how much I'll be hurting after this; I don't need to know that the two of you will be in the same kind of shape. I don't want to hurt you."

"I'm sorry, I'm not trying to lay a guilt trip on you or anything. I'm just stating facts."

"Well your facts suck." I grumbled. I was leaving the following day, and my goodbyes would be extremely difficult. How was I supposed to leave the love of my life alone in rehab?

"We'll love you anyways, Becky," he murmured as we slowed our pace, closing the gap between us and Josh's door.

I nodded, not trusting myself to speak without sobbing. I pushed inside the small room and Matt waited outside. He knew that he wouldn't want to be involved in my goodbye to Josh. He wouldn't have to go through that until the next morning, since he'd promised to come and see me off.

Josh was standing beside the open window, letting the slight breeze filter into the enclosed space and lift the tips of his shaggy hair. His back was to me, and he didn't turn toward me, even as the door clicked back into its frame audibly. I could hear a quiet tapping sound as he played with the drawstring from the venetian blinds, letting it fall against the window frame before picking it up and tossing it again.

"Do you think that I could make it if I jumped out the window?" He mused suddenly. His voice was soft, like he was really putting a great deal of thought into this.

"Josh, what-"

"Really," he continued as though I hadn't tried to answer his question. "If I jumped, would I break a leg? Or would I be able to run? Could I make it to Matt's truck before they caught me?"

"You've got to stay," I choked.

Josh spun around to look me in the eyes. "Why? I could go with you. I could check into another facility; it's not like I would just quit rehab."

"But you've still got school to finish. And all of your family-"

"Would understand," he finished. "They all know that I would do anything for you, Becky. I proved that when I came here. And as for school, you've got to start over, too. We could do it together."

Tears pooled behind my eyelids. "I wish you could. More than anything in the world, I wish you could come with me. But your whole life is here. I can't ask you to sacrifice that. And I want you to finish what you started here. I want you to get healthy."

"I can't just stay here without you. Before, I wanted to finish rehab so that I could see you again. Now what motivation do I have?"

"Isn't just being clean motivation enough? No more hiding, no more secrets. No more guilt. Isn't that something you want?"

"I want you." He whispered, and his eyes glistened with building moisture.

"I don't know what to say," my voice trembled and broke. My throat was aching from the effort that it took not to cry.

Josh crossed the room in a few long strides and pulled me close to him. "I won't lose you. I promise, Becky, I'll find you when I'm clean."

"I'll hold you to that. Before I go, I have to give you something." I stepped back and pulled a small book from the pocket of my sweater.

"Don't," he begged. "That makes it seem like you're not coming back. We'll be together again someday. We have to be. It can't end like this. What was the point of all of this if it ends now?"

"The point was to keep you alive. Even if I don't get to be around to enjoy it. You're going to do great things, Josh. You're destined for more than this. If I have to leave in order for you to reach your potential, then I'm going to do it. All of this is happening for a reason, I'm sure of it. Maybe it'll just make things between us that much easier when we're together again." I pressed the book into his hands. "It's all of my favourite pictures from the last few months. And there's a letter at the end of it. But wait until after I leave to read it, okay? I'll just fall apart if I have to relive what it was like to write it."

"I don't have anything for you," he looked guilty and ashamed. "It's hard to get anything around here."

"I don't expect anything, Josh. I just want you to promise that, no matter what, we have a future. I don't want to live in a world without you."

"I love you too much to let you go completely. I swear, I'll find you somehow."

I held him tightly. "I love you so much. Call me as soon as you're out of here."

"Write me as soon as you get there. Once I get your return address, I'll write you back. Don't lose touch."

"Same to you."

Our lips lingered for a moment, then we broke apart. It reminded me of our first dates together, when I'd always hungered for more but Josh had pulled away. Only this time, it was me that pulled back. I needed to leave before I fell to pieces completely.

"I'll never forget the guy that made me love the choir."

A tear rolled down his sallow cheek as he smiled softly. "I'll never forget the girl that made me proud to be in the choir."

"I love you."

"I love you," he echoed.

I let the door swing closed behind me as I joined Matt in the hallway. The tears were falling silently at an alarming rate, and Matt pulled me into his arms immediately.

"It'll be okay."

"I'm glad you're coming to see me tomorrow. I couldn't handle another goodbye right now."

Matt took me home and gave me a sad smile as I got out of his truck for the last time. "See you in the morning."

"Promise?"

"I promise. I'll be here, Beck."

I didn't sleep at all that night. When I wasn't crying, I was making sure that my closet was empty or that my fragile items were packed carefully. I was feeling horrible by the time morning rolled around. I kept replaying my last conversation with Josh in my head. We both seemed to have lost our hope of being reunited anytime soon. The distance was just too great. But maybe someday he would fulfill his promise and find me again. And I would wait for that day to come as long as I needed to.

I was getting worried as I put the last few boxes into the moving van. It was nearly ten in the morning, and Matt wasn't here yet. But he'd promised, so I knew that he would show up before it was too late. I tossed my final bag into the back seat of the car. I felt like it was way too soon to be going on this ridiculously long journey again. I shut the car door firmly, and turned around to find Matt waiting.

"Told you I'd be here."

"Cutting it a little close, aren't you?" I asked, though overall I could only feel relief that he had shown up.

"I wanted to be here when you left."

I pulled him into a deperate hug. "You're the best friend I've ever had, Matt. Don't forget about me."

"Do you think I ever could? You're my best friend too, Beck. It's not everyday that I find someone who gets me like you do. Who else will tell me that girls aren't good enough for me?"

"I guess you'll just have to figure that out on your own now. And I'll have to do the same."

"Call me when you get there."

"Call me anytime. It doesn't matter what I'm doing, I will always have time for my best friend."

"Are you going to go replace me right away?" He gave me a crooked smile, though his eyes were sincere.

"That would be impossible. Nobody can replace you. Don't replace me either, okay?"

"Nobody can replace the girl who sang to me in the cafeteria. Ever."

I laughed harshly. "That's not exactly how I want to be remembered."

"No? Then how about I remember you as the girl who never took herself too seriously, but also never let anybody get her down. You're the girl who rejected me, but then made me feel worthy. You're the only girl who's ever gotten through to me. Thanks for everything."

My lip quivered as I fought back tears. "Thanks for being so good to me. You always were the best part of this place. Don't ever lose touch. Life won't be the same without you always being around."

"Take your own advice, Beck. School's going to suck tomorrow."

"You'll survive."

"Barely. Good luck in Edmonton. The people there don't know how lucky they are to get someone like you."

"Too bad Vancouver gets to keep you."

"Rebecca, honey, we've got to get going," Mom interrupted as she walked around to the passenger door of the car. "Goodbye, Matt. I hope you'll come and visit us someday."

"I'm already saving up," he smiled at her in his usual charming way. He hugged me again before releasing me and stepping away from the car. "See you soon, Beck."

"Bye, Matt." I gave him a small wave before climbing into the car. I stared through the window as we drove away, and Matt stared back. Neither of us waved, we just watched.

When we rounded a corner and Matt disappeared from sight, I sighed heavily and sat facing the windshield. I dug through my bag and pulled out the soft, stuffed panda bear that I'd stashed within it and hugged it to my chest. I inhaled the sickly sweet smell of cotton candy, and the memories of Matt and I at the fair came crashing down on me.

My tears began to fall again, landing in the stuffed bear's fur and causing it to mat together. I was really leaving the only place I wanted to be. And I was leaving the people that I loved most behind.

I spent the first few hours of the drive looking through my bag. I had brought some photographs, movie tickets, CDs, and anything else that reminded me of Matt and Josh. By the time I was putting everything back into the cloth bag, I had a new sense of hope. I was sixteen; it wouldn't be that much longer before I would be old enough to go back to Vancouver on my own. Maybe after high school I would find a way to move back.

I would find a way to have this life again.