Never Let This Go
This Time We're Not Giving Up...
Frank’s POV
I gently rocked Anna on my knee, clutching her tiny body close to me, my fingers safely locked around her middle. Her hair; still baby-like and fluffy, floated up and down as she grinned happily at the sensation. My head was foggy and heavy from lack of sleep, and I envied Abby sleeping soundly in the bedroom next door. We took turns in getting up with Anna and I was becoming more aware that my turns were longer, and more often than Abby’s.
It was early, and the morning light illuminated the room in a soft white light, gradually adding to my lethargy. I lay Anna in my arms and leant back against the sofa, watching her drift into sleep as I too let my eyes rest in the sunlight.
____________________________________________________
I jerked awake to a hammering on our front door, and felt Anna jump in my arms. She recovered for a second or two, and then her eyes welled up and she began crying, panic-stricken into my shirt. Tears streamed down her beautiful, now red face, and it broke my heart seeing her upset. I shushed her quiet and lay her reassured body down in the cot, cursing whoever had ripped us both from sleep.
In a surge of anger, I tore open the door and stepped out into the street, my puffs of breath visible in the cold. I stared heatedly into Gerard’s face, his expression matching mine. He spoke first.
“What the hell’s wrong with you?” he snapped. “Do you enjoy making me freak out like this?” Gerard bowed his head in exhaustion and relief. I observed him in disbelief, none of my anger retreating. I rolled my eyes, and stormed back inside; not caring about what Gerard was talking about.
He followed me inside and continued arguing with my back. He stared as if he wanted an explanation, when I hadn’t a clue why he had even turned up.
“What the fuck?” I growled, moving back towards Anna’s cot. I glanced in and saw she had recovered, and lay there with her tiny feet waving in the air. A look later and she recognised me; further calmed and drifting back off to sleep. “It’s 8:00 in the morning…”
“What’s wrong with your cell? Is it even switched on? Are you deaf?” Gerard spat, now more frustrated than angry. He was talking to me like a dejected parent whose child had run away from home. At my silence and horrified expression, Gerard continued in a slightly more composed and lower tone, “I’ve been calling all last night and this morning. I waited outside since 6:30 when I firstknocked on your front door.”
“What exactly could have happened to us in that time period, Gerard..? We’re not children, and we’re perfectly capable of taking care of Anna.” Now I was ready to get really angry.
“You are the one who’s just frightened her. You aren’t her father. Youdon’t know what you’re talking about.” I emphasised the last sentence, and failed to sound like my normal self. I was livid and felt like I had never been so angry before in my life. It wrenched uncontrollably throughout my body, and resulted in enraged verbal attacks on the person who only had our best interests at heart. Regrettably, it achieved nothing other than causing Gerard to revert back to his previous mood.
“You know, Frank... you have no idea what you’re talking about. You’re so ignorant that you presume that you’re the only one with problems-”
“You don’t have to mother Abby and me! You’re always there as if you’re waiting for something to go wrong!”
“I’m watching out for you, and you throw it back in my face when you understand nothing of the position you’re in right now!”
“-We’re MARRIED! What exactly don’t I understand, Gee? Abby and I are going to be together with our baby daughter, and you are just gonna have to leave us alone to live our lives out togeth-”
“But what you don’t understand is…” Gerard took a deep breath and chose his words carefully before speaking them. “…That’s not going to happen.” He closed his eyes, and eventually I managed to stop arguing, and became desperate to hear. “It’s Abby, Frank.” My mouth moved but no sound came out. I hadn’t noticed before, but Gerard’s eyes had welled up and at the next sentence, a sob overflowed and a tear dropped down his cheek. “Abby’s not gonna make it… its cancer, Frankie.”
All the adrenaline resulting from my anger still pumped round my arteries, but it no longer gave me strength. As I noticed my vision blurring, I blinked rapidly and sensed burning hot tears leaking from all around my eyes. They continued to pour, and the shock of it made me ache. I felt the urge to curl up and block out the rest of the world, but the pounding of my heart prevented it. The love and pain that radiated from my exhausted body went hand in hand, and I could not tell which was stronger.
“Frankie?”
There was a slight noise above my buzzing ears, and I saw Gerard’s tragic expression change. I turned and saw Abby exit our bedroom. She wore pyjama bottoms, and a huge oversized shirt. It was faded in colour and hung freely over her smooth skin. Her hair was unstyled and hung in a loose ponytail, her fringe scruffily brushed from her eyes. She didn’t look like a cancer victim. She looked like she always looked. Like my wife. Like my girlfriend. Like the mother of my baby. Like my best friend. Like the beautiful love of my life. Like Abby.
Between pain and love: I know which feels strongest
I gently rocked Anna on my knee, clutching her tiny body close to me, my fingers safely locked around her middle. Her hair; still baby-like and fluffy, floated up and down as she grinned happily at the sensation. My head was foggy and heavy from lack of sleep, and I envied Abby sleeping soundly in the bedroom next door. We took turns in getting up with Anna and I was becoming more aware that my turns were longer, and more often than Abby’s.
It was early, and the morning light illuminated the room in a soft white light, gradually adding to my lethargy. I lay Anna in my arms and leant back against the sofa, watching her drift into sleep as I too let my eyes rest in the sunlight.
____________________________________________________
I jerked awake to a hammering on our front door, and felt Anna jump in my arms. She recovered for a second or two, and then her eyes welled up and she began crying, panic-stricken into my shirt. Tears streamed down her beautiful, now red face, and it broke my heart seeing her upset. I shushed her quiet and lay her reassured body down in the cot, cursing whoever had ripped us both from sleep.
In a surge of anger, I tore open the door and stepped out into the street, my puffs of breath visible in the cold. I stared heatedly into Gerard’s face, his expression matching mine. He spoke first.
“What the hell’s wrong with you?” he snapped. “Do you enjoy making me freak out like this?” Gerard bowed his head in exhaustion and relief. I observed him in disbelief, none of my anger retreating. I rolled my eyes, and stormed back inside; not caring about what Gerard was talking about.
He followed me inside and continued arguing with my back. He stared as if he wanted an explanation, when I hadn’t a clue why he had even turned up.
“What the fuck?” I growled, moving back towards Anna’s cot. I glanced in and saw she had recovered, and lay there with her tiny feet waving in the air. A look later and she recognised me; further calmed and drifting back off to sleep. “It’s 8:00 in the morning…”
“What’s wrong with your cell? Is it even switched on? Are you deaf?” Gerard spat, now more frustrated than angry. He was talking to me like a dejected parent whose child had run away from home. At my silence and horrified expression, Gerard continued in a slightly more composed and lower tone, “I’ve been calling all last night and this morning. I waited outside since 6:30 when I firstknocked on your front door.”
“What exactly could have happened to us in that time period, Gerard..? We’re not children, and we’re perfectly capable of taking care of Anna.” Now I was ready to get really angry.
“You are the one who’s just frightened her. You aren’t her father. Youdon’t know what you’re talking about.” I emphasised the last sentence, and failed to sound like my normal self. I was livid and felt like I had never been so angry before in my life. It wrenched uncontrollably throughout my body, and resulted in enraged verbal attacks on the person who only had our best interests at heart. Regrettably, it achieved nothing other than causing Gerard to revert back to his previous mood.
“You know, Frank... you have no idea what you’re talking about. You’re so ignorant that you presume that you’re the only one with problems-”
“You don’t have to mother Abby and me! You’re always there as if you’re waiting for something to go wrong!”
“I’m watching out for you, and you throw it back in my face when you understand nothing of the position you’re in right now!”
“-We’re MARRIED! What exactly don’t I understand, Gee? Abby and I are going to be together with our baby daughter, and you are just gonna have to leave us alone to live our lives out togeth-”
“But what you don’t understand is…” Gerard took a deep breath and chose his words carefully before speaking them. “…That’s not going to happen.” He closed his eyes, and eventually I managed to stop arguing, and became desperate to hear. “It’s Abby, Frank.” My mouth moved but no sound came out. I hadn’t noticed before, but Gerard’s eyes had welled up and at the next sentence, a sob overflowed and a tear dropped down his cheek. “Abby’s not gonna make it… its cancer, Frankie.”
All the adrenaline resulting from my anger still pumped round my arteries, but it no longer gave me strength. As I noticed my vision blurring, I blinked rapidly and sensed burning hot tears leaking from all around my eyes. They continued to pour, and the shock of it made me ache. I felt the urge to curl up and block out the rest of the world, but the pounding of my heart prevented it. The love and pain that radiated from my exhausted body went hand in hand, and I could not tell which was stronger.
“Frankie?”
There was a slight noise above my buzzing ears, and I saw Gerard’s tragic expression change. I turned and saw Abby exit our bedroom. She wore pyjama bottoms, and a huge oversized shirt. It was faded in colour and hung freely over her smooth skin. Her hair was unstyled and hung in a loose ponytail, her fringe scruffily brushed from her eyes. She didn’t look like a cancer victim. She looked like she always looked. Like my wife. Like my girlfriend. Like the mother of my baby. Like my best friend. Like the beautiful love of my life. Like Abby.
Between pain and love: I know which feels strongest