Never Let This Go

Frank apparently had been calling the house when I was at work. Everyday. My mum hadn’t told me about his calls until I found out the news. She thought I didn’t need to know, and that I was probably better off without him.

“You thought you just wouldn’t tell me? You wouldn’t ever tell me that the love of my life and the father of my child has been calling desperate to talk to me ever since Christmas?” I shrieked at my mother who was standing, still looking like she had done ‘the right thing’.

“I didn’t want you getting in a state like you were when you left him on Christmas Eve. And please calm down; it can’t be good for you or the baby.”

I rolled my eyes and slumped on the couch behind me. I was confused and I had not a clue of how I was going to deal with it

A Few Days Earlier:

I turned over in bed, and switched off the alarm. The bed still felt strangely empty but I shook the thought from my mind and climbed out of bed. Suddenly I gagged, and rushed into the bathroom. I got there just in time. The same routine had happened for the past week. I had a niggling worry in the back of my mind, and had done for a week or two. I think mum had noticed my unusual morning behaviour. Every time she asked if I was okay, she gave me a rather nasty look as if to say ‘what have you been doing without telling me?’

I finally plucked up the courage and did a test. I picked one up on the way home from work, and sat staring at it for a few hours beforehand. This little stick could change my life forever.

If it was positive, I would have to get rid of it; Frank didn’t love me anymore. I would have been over the moon a few months ago.

If it was negative I would have seriously needed to see a doctor about my completely fucked-up illness.

Unfortunately, an hour later mum had found me in hysteric tears propped up against the bathroom wall, clutching the test in my lap. I stared up at her, tears spilling from red eyes. Mum had taken the test from me, and thrown it in the bin after one quick glance. She picked me up off the floor and hugged me until I couldn’t cry anymore. That was when she told me about Frank calling.

“If you still love him, you have to keep this baby, you know. You need to make it work, because Frank… he loves you.” she gave me a timid smile “You’re perfect for each other and I know that for certain.”

“But his drinking is too much… I- I can’t take it anymore!” I struggled through sobs.

“Honey, he’s willing to change...” she reasoned with me for hours. I couldn’t believe that Frank could change now. He’s too different than when I met him.

End of Flashback:

I don’t know why my mum was on his side more than mine. I suppose she wants her grandchild to have a proper father. I suppose she wants her grandchild to grow up with parents who love each other and can make it work through thick and thin.

She’s considering all this when I don’t even know if I can keep it.

I took the next day off work, and the next week I called Frank.

“H- Hello?”

“Abby? I can’t believe you’re calling. I tried for weeks and weeks; your mum told me you’d moved on-”

“Wait Frank…you know a few weeks before I left” I took a deep breath “That one night when you didn’t come home plastered? Well- It's just... I-I found out a few days ago”

“Uhh, jeez... Are you? Abby, if you are that’s amazing. I just can’t believe what I’ve turned into, I’ve ruined everything haven’t I?” there was some background noise “I’m going to change. For you, you and the baby.”

That last bit made my opinion of him change. He sounded genuine. Maybe I could trust him again. If he could get sober and keep it that way, maybe, just maybe it could work.

“I- Frank, I’m still not sure if I want to keep it. I just thought you should know.” More background noise “What is going on there?”

“Sorry the guys just got back – GUYS, JUST SHUT UP I’M ON THE PHONE!” he yelled at them down the phone and I held it away from my ear. But it was close enough for me to hear another band member talking to Frank.

“Jesus, is it her? Man, I thought you got over her.” A cruel laugh “Fuck, you don’t look very well… Seriously. You’re really pale, Frank, what have you done? Who else has gotten knocked up?” There was a small, nervous laugh from whoever just spoke.

I slammed done the phone.

The next day, as I was leaving for the doctor’s appointment, Frank pulled up outside the house. I tried to barge past him, without bursting into tears. He looked so concerned, and he did look pale. But Frank opened his arms, and caught me on the way past. He hung on and I struggled for a few seconds before pulling back and staring him in the eye. I had tears in my eyes, but I couldn’t let him see them. I blinked vigorously.

“What d’you want from me, Frank? One minute you’re saying that you’ll change for me and the baby, and the next… y- you… I hear you’ve got some other girl pregnant” I spluttered. The tears were stinging my eyes and they weren’t staying put.

“Abby, you didn’t think I’d do that? I know I’ve changed, not for the better, but did you ever think I’d EVER do something like that to you?” Frank looked like he was on the brink of tears himself. “Gerard was talking about one of the guitar techs. He managed to get some girl knocked up the other day; he wasn’t talking about me…” Franks eyes brimmed with tears. “I am so sorry Abby. I’ve always loved you, you know that don’t you?”

It was no good. Suddenly the waterworks turned on, and I began sobbing right there in front of him. Frank rushed over and swept me up into a tight hug. He had tears streaming down his face too.

“I really meant it, Abby. I’ve been sober since Christmas.” he managed a quick smile. I returned a small, muffled giggle.

“I don’t know what to do. I was on my way to get rid of the baby before you turned up.” I told him. Why I don’t know. This man had come home drunk every night for the last few months of our relationship. He had virtually made out with some girl on television. He had laughed along with his band mates when they insulted me. He had insulted me himself.

But drunk. He was drunk when he had said and done all those things. I had just seen what he was like when he was sober. I loved the sober man, I hated the drunk.

Maybe my mum was right. Before I could think what to say to him next, Frank had let go of me and stepped away. He wiped his cheek with his cuff.

“Your right… I’m probably not-” and before he could finish his sentence I had stepped right back up to him and kissed him. I felt him smile and he once again wrapped his arms around me.