Milky's Way
Daddy Dearest
After a few minutes we were all there, seated and waiting. Guardian started, “How are we all today?” he asked looking around the group. “Good I hope, now Milky, I’d like to continue with you today. Keeping with the theme of family, I think it’s only right, that you tell us about your parents?”
“If you don’t mind” I replied. “But I’d rather not talk so much about my dad. My mum I don’t mind, but I’d rather keep it brief about him”
“Anything you want Milky. Start with him if you’d like?”
I’d never talked openly about my dad and what’d happened so it was hard for me to begin. It took me a few while but I got there.
“I was always a daddy’s girl” I smiled to myself, remembering what it was like. “Always. I did everything with him, for him, anything. He really was a great man. But I lost him.”
The pain burned my chest, and I could feel that familiar lump in my throat, just begging the tears to come.
“He died. Killed himself.” I heard someone gasp and Frazor gave my hand a squeeze. “I was 12. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever been through, nothing compares to that kind of pain. You don’t think that something like that will happen to you. It was hard and for many years I couldn’t deal with it, but I got through it, somehow. Me and my mum weren’t that close, so we were kind of forced together after he’d gone; but I always figured she didn’t know how to deal with me or whatever. I liked to keep myself to myself, stay in listening to music or out at my friends, she didn’t like it much, it wasn’t what she was used to I guess. And even after all her trying we just didn't mix well, I liked to be alone.”
It was a while before anyone said anything; I certainly didn’t want to go on and was hoping someone would take over. This time it worked.
“I think you’re brave, to survive that. To get through that sort of thing. I don’t think I’d be able to do that . . . and come out as strong as you seem to be” Richie added, finally breaking the silence.
I started to laugh.
“What’s funny?”He asked, “I was being nice!”
“Oh, I know, I wasn’t laughing at that. Thank you, really, thank you very much. I was laughing at the ‘strong’ part. I’m really not as strong as people seem to think.”
Frazor interrupted, “But you seem so tough. You smoke, drink a hell of a lot, you have this whole bad-ass rock star like quality. Yet you say you’re not strong. Seems to me like you are and you either don’t realize it, or you try not to be.”
“Or maybe,” Gee interrupted, “It’s a defense mechanism. You hide behind this persona so people don’t see who you really are. . .
“A weak little girl” Sara added, finishing his sentence.
Gee looked at Sara, “No. I don’t see it as a bad thing. I believe you genuinely are like how you are, but also maybe a bit emphasized, so people don’t see the hurt you’ve been through. You just hide the pain you’ve been through.”
“Milky?” Frazor asked, “Is it true?”
“In a way, yes, but then also no, not really. It’s not like that. The person I am is the person I am, but I don’t over exaggerate my personality to ‘hide the pain’. Yeah, I don’t want people to know about the pain I’ve been through, because I’ve been through it; I’ve dealt with it and I got through it. So, I don’t like to dwell on it. Plus, I like who I am. Lots of people smoke and drink just like I do, but they’re not as fun.” I started laughing. “You know it’s true.”
Guardian started to laugh, “So it would seem Milky. Now, we’re going to finish early today, I have a few things to be taking care of. That okay with you?” he asked me.
“Yeah, it’s fine. I’ve said all I need to say today I think. Plus, it gives me chance to get my cigarettes now.”
Frazor and Guardian both started to laugh. “Alright,” he continued, “I shall see you guys tomorrow”
“If you don’t mind” I replied. “But I’d rather not talk so much about my dad. My mum I don’t mind, but I’d rather keep it brief about him”
“Anything you want Milky. Start with him if you’d like?”
I’d never talked openly about my dad and what’d happened so it was hard for me to begin. It took me a few while but I got there.
“I was always a daddy’s girl” I smiled to myself, remembering what it was like. “Always. I did everything with him, for him, anything. He really was a great man. But I lost him.”
The pain burned my chest, and I could feel that familiar lump in my throat, just begging the tears to come.
“He died. Killed himself.” I heard someone gasp and Frazor gave my hand a squeeze. “I was 12. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever been through, nothing compares to that kind of pain. You don’t think that something like that will happen to you. It was hard and for many years I couldn’t deal with it, but I got through it, somehow. Me and my mum weren’t that close, so we were kind of forced together after he’d gone; but I always figured she didn’t know how to deal with me or whatever. I liked to keep myself to myself, stay in listening to music or out at my friends, she didn’t like it much, it wasn’t what she was used to I guess. And even after all her trying we just didn't mix well, I liked to be alone.”
It was a while before anyone said anything; I certainly didn’t want to go on and was hoping someone would take over. This time it worked.
“I think you’re brave, to survive that. To get through that sort of thing. I don’t think I’d be able to do that . . . and come out as strong as you seem to be” Richie added, finally breaking the silence.
I started to laugh.
“What’s funny?”He asked, “I was being nice!”
“Oh, I know, I wasn’t laughing at that. Thank you, really, thank you very much. I was laughing at the ‘strong’ part. I’m really not as strong as people seem to think.”
Frazor interrupted, “But you seem so tough. You smoke, drink a hell of a lot, you have this whole bad-ass rock star like quality. Yet you say you’re not strong. Seems to me like you are and you either don’t realize it, or you try not to be.”
“Or maybe,” Gee interrupted, “It’s a defense mechanism. You hide behind this persona so people don’t see who you really are. . .
“A weak little girl” Sara added, finishing his sentence.
Gee looked at Sara, “No. I don’t see it as a bad thing. I believe you genuinely are like how you are, but also maybe a bit emphasized, so people don’t see the hurt you’ve been through. You just hide the pain you’ve been through.”
“Milky?” Frazor asked, “Is it true?”
“In a way, yes, but then also no, not really. It’s not like that. The person I am is the person I am, but I don’t over exaggerate my personality to ‘hide the pain’. Yeah, I don’t want people to know about the pain I’ve been through, because I’ve been through it; I’ve dealt with it and I got through it. So, I don’t like to dwell on it. Plus, I like who I am. Lots of people smoke and drink just like I do, but they’re not as fun.” I started laughing. “You know it’s true.”
Guardian started to laugh, “So it would seem Milky. Now, we’re going to finish early today, I have a few things to be taking care of. That okay with you?” he asked me.
“Yeah, it’s fine. I’ve said all I need to say today I think. Plus, it gives me chance to get my cigarettes now.”
Frazor and Guardian both started to laugh. “Alright,” he continued, “I shall see you guys tomorrow”