Status: COMPLETE.
The Walls Caved In
not knowing what to say
Here I was again.
I was in the same situation I was in only a few weeks ago. Confused, anxious, and stumbling along a foreign rode. Only now, there was no Eric to hold my hand.
It had been a whole week since I had walked away from him. A whole week of sitting in my room, reading, folding laundry, trying to sleep. A whole week of listening to the rest of my family move around the house, coming and going. A whole week and no word of Eric. A whole week without picking up the phone and dialing that familar number. A whole week of regret.
What I wanted more than anything at this moment was someone to talk to. Someone to tell me if I had been right to push Eric away when I did. Someone to tell me that I had been wrong and stupid and that I had no right to do what I did. Someone to tell me what I didn't know anymore, if I ever knew at all. How to grab a hold of someone, pull them tight, and keep there.
The only problem about this was that I didn't want to open myself up for that. I didn't want someone to tell me I was wrong. I didn't want someone to tell me I was right. I wanted to go back in time and take everything back, tell Eric that maybe we should go catch lunch instead of meet with his friends. That I wasn't ready for that yet. Maybe then, he would have walked away from me for being so weak, and I wouldn't feel regret. Maybe I would feel something else.
A door opened and closed downstairs. Giggling followed them both up the stairs, and I listened carefully behind it. I felt a tug at my heart, telling me to walk to her door, demand for this new boy to leave, and pour my heart out to her.
Allison didn't know. No one did. I couldn't tell her about Eric, about my actions. I didn't really even know if I wanted my 16 year-old sister's advice on something neither of us seemed to understand.
So, instead of walking to Alli's room and breaking up her alone time, I just listened. Listened to the familar noise of conversation, of a couple (no matter how less committed she was), and I listened as a sister. I was ready at any moment to bust down her door, for unselfish reasons.
I was in the same situation I was in only a few weeks ago. Confused, anxious, and stumbling along a foreign rode. Only now, there was no Eric to hold my hand.
It had been a whole week since I had walked away from him. A whole week of sitting in my room, reading, folding laundry, trying to sleep. A whole week of listening to the rest of my family move around the house, coming and going. A whole week and no word of Eric. A whole week without picking up the phone and dialing that familar number. A whole week of regret.
What I wanted more than anything at this moment was someone to talk to. Someone to tell me if I had been right to push Eric away when I did. Someone to tell me that I had been wrong and stupid and that I had no right to do what I did. Someone to tell me what I didn't know anymore, if I ever knew at all. How to grab a hold of someone, pull them tight, and keep there.
The only problem about this was that I didn't want to open myself up for that. I didn't want someone to tell me I was wrong. I didn't want someone to tell me I was right. I wanted to go back in time and take everything back, tell Eric that maybe we should go catch lunch instead of meet with his friends. That I wasn't ready for that yet. Maybe then, he would have walked away from me for being so weak, and I wouldn't feel regret. Maybe I would feel something else.
A door opened and closed downstairs. Giggling followed them both up the stairs, and I listened carefully behind it. I felt a tug at my heart, telling me to walk to her door, demand for this new boy to leave, and pour my heart out to her.
Allison didn't know. No one did. I couldn't tell her about Eric, about my actions. I didn't really even know if I wanted my 16 year-old sister's advice on something neither of us seemed to understand.
So, instead of walking to Alli's room and breaking up her alone time, I just listened. Listened to the familar noise of conversation, of a couple (no matter how less committed she was), and I listened as a sister. I was ready at any moment to bust down her door, for unselfish reasons.
♠ ♠ ♠
no spell check.yay! its this story's turn now.
i miss writing about Eric. :(