Broken Glass & Hidden Dreams

The fire in the hearth warms my marble skin, but does not penetrate; does not reach my heart.
There is only one vampire that can achieve this goal.

There was one before as well.
She is dead.
Because of you.
No.
No? You cannot tell yourself a lie when you know it to be the truth.
I didn't mean to. I mean, I told her not to go out that night. I told her never to go out by herself.
You should have enforced that rule.
She was a free individual, and a strong one at that.
Perhaps she shouldn't have been so free, and obviously she wasn't as strong as you would like to believe. Had she really carried such strength, she would still be alive.
Even the strongest of people can fall.

Lestat.

You dare mention his name while she is still alive?
She is dead.
Lies. You can feel her. You'veseen her.
Ghosts, shadowed memories of the past.
Oh, you would like to believe that, would you not?
Shut up. Just go away.

I've been arguing with the voice inside of my head for some time now. I suppose that is why I have been so anti-social. Well, that and the fact that I've had to make a very long distance trip.

Since the day I saw Lestat at that party, and we since created The Coven - although that is a different story yet - I have been arguing with this voice inside my head. At first I tried to ignore it, but it became more predominate, harder to ignore. Finally, I had had enough. It might sound crazy to the every-day onlooker, but I could no longer stand it. So, I began to talk back to it, and not just in my head. No, I spoke to it. Vocalized the feelings I had been harboring inside of me for what felt like so long. This seemed to pacify it. For a while, at least.

I knew what this voice was. It was my subconscious speaking to me, and it would not be ignored. It mainly spoke of a lost love of mine - her. Her death happened so quickly, after years upon years spent together. I've locked those memories so deep within me, it is hard sometimes for even me to recall the exact events that occurred. Her death left a painful and deep scar on my heart, one that I suspected would never fully heal, but when Lestat entered the picture, everything changed.

I thought I knew what was destined to become of me; I thought I knew what I had become, what I would continue to be until the end of my pathetic existence, but oh how wrong I was.

The night I saw Lestat, the unthinkable happened. I fell again. Fell in love that is. Yes, it was love at first sight. Do not patronize me, fledglings, for I did not believe in such fairy tale things either, until that night. Do not ask why or how either, for I do not have answers, even 'til this day. It was unimaginable, but it happened, and it is as real as the very air we breath.

Where was I?
Oh yes, speaking of voices.
I knew what I must do to silence the voice inside of my head.
It would be painful, perhaps one of the most painful things I would have to endure since her death, but I would do it. Why? Because Lestat deserved that much.
I had waited until last night, but could wait no longer. I knew what I must do, no matter how painful it would be. So, I boarded a plane. I didn't tell Lestat where I was going, for I'd yet to explain to him all about my past and about her. I made a promise to myself that when I returned, I would tell him everything.

When my plane landed, I could smell the air that only resided in California. The scar on my heart began to burn slightly. The sun had just set, but even then I knew I had little time.

I made my way to the cemetery where she was buried.
Upon arriving at her grave, the scar began to burn even more.
I inhaled and exhaled, my eyes closed, composing myself.
My breath could be seen in the cold night's air.
Finally, after what seemed like minutes, but was probably more like hours, I opened my eyes and began to speak.

"This is the last time I shall visit you, my sweet."

The scar on my heart lit up like someone had poured a thin strip of gasoline along it, then dropped a match at the end. It was very hot inside of my chest, but nothing I could not endure.

I closed my eyes for a moment, composing myself once more.

"I... I have found someone else."

The burning increased, becoming more uncomfortable.

"I suppose there is a part of my heart that will always belong to you, but that part is in the past. It's beenyears since I held you in my arms and listened to your heart slow until it was no more, since I heard the very last breath you would ever exhale leave your body."

A pause to close my eyes and remember every single moment spent with her.

The burning intensified.

"His name is Lestat. No, I didn't quite think I would ever end up with a male vampire either, but he is strong and courageous and beautiful in every sense of the word."

I expected more burning, but it remained at the level at which it had already been.

A sigh escaped my lips, causing the night air to collect into fog and blow away from them.

"I've come here tonight to tell you goodbye, once and for all. I know full well that I wish to spend eternity with Lestat. So, goodbye."

This time, the burning did intensify. It burned in my chest, causing me physical discomfort.
As I turned away, it only became more intense.

I took one step away from the grave, turned my head over my shoulder, closed my eyes, and with my face contorted in a look of pain and extreme discomfort, whispered "I love you. Goodbye." All at once, the searing inside my chest was too much to bear. It felt as though someone had poured molten lava down my throat and I was burning, melting from the inside out. Surely at any moment now, a hole would appear in my torso from the fire working its way out of my body, eating my flesh for fuel, but then... darkness.

When I awoke, I was still in the cemetery in front of her grave. I had only an hour or so before sunrise, but the burning was gone, as were the voices. I knew that whatever part of her spirit that had remained was now gone, and would never haunt me again. A smile spread across my face as I made my way back toward the airport to board a plane back to Paris so that I could be with Lestat, making one short stop on the way there.