Dear August

The three people remained in the room until the cold, lifeless body was rolled out. Mrs. Urie had buried her face in her husband's shoulder and I went to catch my last glimpses of August. With much hesitation I dried my eyes and went to the waiting room for the final time. Spencer and Jon had left to the pick up food and get to school, so I only had to face William and Pete.

"Ryan?" Pete's joyous mood had passed as he examined me.

"He's- gone." I held back a sob and choked a little. William left for the men's room.

"What? No-" The emotion wasn't anger but bitterness in Pete's voice, "He was my best…"

I stood there in a stick like straightness and nodded shutting my eyes tightly hoping tears wouldn't fall in front of Pete. It failed, I wiped up a single tear and some snot with my sleeve. Pete pounded his fists against his legs and I wished Pete would have been in the room with me. He deserved to share those last minutes with Brendon more than I did.

Being able to take a few seconds longer I went back to the hospital room to talk to Brendon's parents. When I felt like I could act civilized enough I turned on one heel and into the room. Another man was there now too and was looking at August. There was a pang in me and I decided not to go back in. It was one of the adoptive parents, probably James, and it hurt.

As I walked out into the world everything felt like it was dead too. Things remained distorted and motionless as I passed them and I kicked the sidewalk making me stumble a little. I didn't care though. Against my own will my stomach began grumbling and I realized that the soda I'd had wasn't doing anything to fill it any longer.

So, taking a turn I went to the part of town with cheap restaurants that would be open and 8:00 A.M., I went to a Denny's. I mumbled my order to a middle-aged waitress and was served shortly after. The food tasted bland and the stares I was getting made me feel uncomfortable and even more like shit. I hadn't taken a shower yet and was still wearing the clothes from the day before, only they were covered in snot and me shirt smelled of sweat and salt.

I slowly ate my food and held my cell phone in my hand. I betted there was going to be hell to pay. My finger held the on button. 17 missed calls, 5 messages, and 10 texts. A was receiving a new one. It was Will asking if I was ok and where I was. I replied and continued cutting my food into tiny bites. A bit later William entered the door and saw me right away. He sat down next to the me.

"Have you checked your messages yet?" Will asked lightly.

"No." I replied in an unexpectedly small voice.

"Ok, tell me if you need to stay over."

"Ok."

We sat hunched in the Florissant lit building before I excused myself. I stood out front and started checking the 5 messages. Picking a spot on the wall I leaned over and sighed as a familiar voice came through the phone. At first my father's voice was clear, but soon became distinctively slurred, still alert though, unlike his usually fully drunk sound. With a sigh I pressed the down key once listening to the 4 voice mails from my dad and I called home not expecting him to pick up. Which, he didn't. The texts were from Spencer, Jon, and the Butcher. Butcher didn't really know what was going on and I left Pete to tell Spencer, Jon, and everybody else what happened.

Yes, my dad wasn't happy and he didn't know anything about the baby either. I was safe for a bit. Besides, I could keep secrets. I kept them all the time about my feelings, I had done for about five months now. As a similar thought crossed my mind I cringed and felt tears prick at my eyes. This wasn't the time nor the place to cry. Slowly exhaling I shoved my hand in my back pocket next to my wallet.

Reentering the restaurant I finished my meal and Will drank my coffee. Otherwise he sat and watched, every now and then pulling back a piece of hair.

"Are you going back to school?"

"No, not today."

"Crash at my place?" Will rested his head on his hand.

"Sure."

I grimaced at the thought of trying to explain to my dad why I wasn't in school. Then there'd be the 'you’re gay- or bisexual- or something' grumble because I wrote he was going to Brendon's.

"And thanks." I added realizing how grateful I really was for William.

Will nodded and played with a sugar packet sitting on the table. As I finished my eggs (some of which fell off the plate and onto the table) I had to fight to hold back tears. Brendon hated scrambled eggs. Everything reminded me of him. We left shortly after I was done eating and once at Will's house I went straight to the guest bedroom. There I laid awake, hands behind my head and sleepless. My glazed eyes were locked on the ceiling.

"They tell me to grow up, but then tell me I'm young. What the hell does that mean? Am I supposed to- I don't even know what I'm supposed to be. Child? Adult? I have a child… Had a child… and a boyfriend. I also have a dysfunctional family of my own. God, I miss you Bren. I wish we weren't fighting. I realize this now, so am I an adult? On top of that if what would I be considered if I had poured out my feelings? They are childish, but would it have been the grown up thing to do?"

I rolled over and scooted down the bed so my feet stuck off the end just enough. I was on the brink of crying again. My stomach flipped at the all abstract thoughts I couldn't handle. I ran to the bathroom and threw up my eggs and pancakes from before and sat down on the bed.

I contemplated seeing baby August again, who was going to be in the hospital for a while. Then upon Brendon's request it was going to be a closed adoption. He really did want everything to go back to normal, I guess. Although, after seeing her I don't think anything would have, even if he was alive. I spent the rest of the day laying there, finally dozing in and out.