Dear August

There are times when I see people tremble.

I woke up at noon with a pounding headache. I had slept too long, but I still didn't want to get up and face the day of television reruns. Today was CSI and maybe Friends later. I flicked on the TV balancing the paper plate with my toast on my knee. The episode I was watching ended in a double homicide because the woman was pregnant…

"No Maxine--" I called to my dog as she barked at whoever was doing a burnout in my driveway.

I assumed the person in the car was the kid on the corner that was just obnoxious, so when the door started opening my heart beat around in my chest like wild birds in a cage. It did an uncomfortable flip when I saw it was him.

He seemed angry at me. His presence in the room was looming and frustrated. I couldn't handle that, I made me feel claustrophobic. It startled me even more getting that from him. I couldn't think, better yet, think of anything to say. There was this knot, almost a small compact ball of emotion in my stomach. It hadn't even begun to hash it out. I didn't even know what emotions were there yet. To top that off my dad was sleeping and I didn't want to deal with problems if Brendon woke him up. To add to that my father and I were fighting again about something was never going to stop.

"Get out Brendon." I mumbled slightly sulky, but still with intent for it to come off in a passive-aggressive way.

"No." He snapped and snarled at me.

"Get-" My voice was raising with a sudden anger that was quickly cut away like my sentence.

"Nope, I'm going to tell you even if you don't want to hear it," I didn't need this right now. I needed Brendon and judging by his tone I wasn't going to get him. It was going to be someone else: someone emotional; someone that forgot how sensitive I was; someone who was pushy. It was going to be someone who had all the bad traits of Brendon. "I'm pregnant, it's yours and I'm getting an abortion."

I glanced over at Brendon and I noticed his eyes weren't sparkling…with anything. There wasn't evil intent or that impishness when he's about to do something childish…He was just somber. I hated this, but I right then I knew I had to listen. It was the least I could do, I guess it was kind of what he needed. I realized that maybe I should deal with dark side of Brendon since he did so often with me. I'd beat myself up later about being so selfish…

Like I usually do I kept silent. Brendon didn't move or speak, instead he turned his attention towards he TV. During the episode we watched together Brendon seemed to unwind a little.

"Ryan in two weeks we can pretend this never happened….We can be friends again." His eyes seemed to glimmer with hope for later, but the last phrase stung a lot. That's not what I wanted at all.

"Whatever." I mumbled again intending for it to be a break-away go-with-the-flow answer and stood to throw away my plate.

I didn't want the conversation to go in the direction of a break-up. My aggravated rage was returning and if I said much else I was going to start crying. So I was ready to wait for the next response, which didn't take long.

"Fine!" He shot up, "Be a dick. Go fuck someone else, obviously I wasn't the one you were looking for."

I didn't mean to work him up like that again and he was the only person I actually wanted before I had, "Bren-"

He rushed out, his thin frame narrowly missing several pieces of furniture. My breathing was picking up and I couldn't get my lung filled with enough air. I was border lining a panic attack. Several curses slipped out of my mouth and I tugged lightly at my hair.

There were footsteps coming down the narrow staircase and I smoothly turned the hair pulling into a brush through. My dad breezed by me and started making himself a large breakfast. I stood ignoring his proceedings and tried to calm down enough and not run to my room. He walked around me and prepared a plate mounding with food. I listened to him gulp down several bites and then went to go climb the stairs.

"Here," He pulled out his wallet and threw a few bills on the table, "For some take-out. Pizza or something."

I nodded give a forced smile and then took the stairs two by two. I shut my door and leaned against it for a moment. Then leaning forward I reached towards my nightstand to retrieve my phone. I needed somebody to talk to and the first person that crossed my mind was Brendon. I held the object in my hand and felt every ounce of weight in my palm. It went flying across the room and hit the wall. I wasted no more time and began tearing my room apart.

My bed was flipped. Magazines torn apart. My curtains torn off the wall. That new box of condoms aimed at the trash. Dresser drawers on the floor. Guitar knocked off it's stand. Nothing was safe. A rush of blood went to my head and I slid down to my knees.

The outer layer of the knot in my stomach was starting to become unscrambled. I was guilty for doing this to him. I was scared for him. I was confused on what this would do to our relationship or what it was already doing to it…I was freaked out more than ever for being gay.

Holding all of that in on top of the normal stored feelings was unbelievably excruciating.

But I can never tell if it's from sadness or rage.