Always and Forever

I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t know what to think. I lay awake all night for Brendon to fall through my window but he didn’t. With every rustling of the trees my hopes would rise but when my purposely unlocked window didn’t open I was again disappointed.

I was tempted to call him up and apologising but why should I? This was his fault after all, he was the one who invited his friends over on our six month anniversary. Maybe I was just searching for reasons not to apologise. I could blame Brendon for that too, I mean, during this whole relationship he always did the apologising, why should it change now? My thoughts were confirmed when I received a message from him.

Sorry about yesterday
Brendon

But that message was different. There was no ‘love you’ there was no warmth to it or even more to the point, he apologised over a text message and not by climbing through the window. Something was wrong and I was sure he wasn’t truly sorry.

The problem with not talking to Brendon and school was that I couldn’t get to the root of the problem straight away. All day, I tried to catch his eye but he refused to look at me, I sent him a few messages but he didn’t reply. Relationships were way too much trouble. Relationships were the reason why I’ve hardly slept in six months, why I’m always on the edge of my seat...yes, today was beat up on relationships day.

“Very good Holly” my history teacher smiled handing me back the results for Brendon and I’s project, another AA.

After recess we had college information day well, really it was only half a day but...yeah. It was pretty pointless considering everyone had already applied for college or university and was waiting on their results. I knew I was guaranteed a spot in an IVY League University so I wasn’t as stressed out as everyone else was. I was stressed out over something else.

I didn’t want to go to University.

I don’t care if it Harvard, Princeton or Yale, I didn’t want to go. I knew that most people would think I’d be throwing my life away, but I just wanted to take photos, nothing else and if that was throwing my life away then so be it.

Aaron sat next to me during the talks. He had one arm resting lazily over my chair. I was under ‘orders’ from Anna to be nice to him, so every time he’d whisper something into my ear I smiled and sometimes even laughed. Throughout the whole talk, I felt Brendon’s eyes boring into me and I felt very uncomfortable.

When I got home that night Brendon was already in my room “I said sorry, what more do you want?” he spat ruthlessly.

I rolled my eyes, the guilt I felt about acting like I was close with Aaron melting away as soon as Brendon spoke “To actually mean it.”

Brendon laughed dryly and humourlessly “I don’t even have a reason to be sorry.”

“Of course you don’t” I said sarcastically “You never do.

“Fuck off Holly; you’re the one who can’t say sorry.”

I rose my eyebrows stubbornly “I can say sorry, when I am sorry.”

“So you’re telling me that you weren’t sorry when you accused me of cheating or when I tried to do something nice for our anniversary because you didn’t say you’re sorry?”

I raised my eyebrows “Brendon that didn’t even make sense.”

“Tell me you’re sorry” he said sternly.

“For what?”

“For everything, for yesterday, for today.”

“Brendon” I sighed picking up my bag, “I’m going out with the girls; I don’t have time for this crap!”

“See!” Brendon yelled “This is what I mean; you don’t have time for me anymore.”

“I was with you yesterday!”

“Yeah, because that went real great” Brendon said sarcastically while rolling his eyes.

“It’s not my fault you wrecked our anniversary” I snapped.

“If it wasn’t for me you would’ve fucking forgotten” Brendon roared immediately taking charge of the fight “You were the one who wrecked it by being a demanding bitch. You’re just like the girls you hang around with.”

“Yeah well that would make sense considering I do hang around with them” I said, sarcasm dripping from my words.

“And I hate the girls you hang around with.”

I tried to think of another witty comment when it hit me “Y-you hate me?” my confident, sarcastic visaed immediately faded away, replace with the normal me, the insecure, desperate me.

Brendon looked at me through his messy fringe “y-you’ve be-become just like them.”

“No, no, no I haven’t Brendon look” I cried desperately “it’s me, it really is I’m s-”

“Holly, stop with this.”

My whole world was crumbling. I was numb and felt my hands shaking slightly “A-I-are...”
“I’m sorry Holly, I really am a- and I know I still love you, but that’s becoming less and less every day.”

“No” tears were beginning to fall from my eyes “please Brendon.”

He glanced up at me, I could see his eyes beginning to water, he quickly blinked the tears away “I can’t put up with you Holly, with all the suspicion, it feels like I’m walking over a minefield when I’m with you. I-I can’t help it okay? I don’t know what h-happened okay, i...it’s just that we never stop fighting a-and we’re just running around in circles.”

My cheeks were dripping with fallen tears “So..so that’s i-it,” I said quietly “We-we’re b-breaking up” I whispered the last part not wanting to believe it.

Brendon nodded “I-I...I should go” Brendon said quietly and began to climb through the window.

“I love you Brendon” I managed to say through my tears.

Brendon gave me one last pained look and left, leaving me shaking, numb and rocking back and forth on my bed. I waited until he was definitely gone before I completely broke down so at least he wouldn’t hear my cries.