Daylight

Viv’s POV

Billy’s voice, soft in my ear, brought me back to my surroundings.
“Viv, we’ve arrived.”
I opened my eyes to his face, almost filling my vision. “Shit, did I fall asleep?” I asked, feeling foolish.
He smiled. “Yeah, yeh did drift off for a bit.”
“Sorry.”
“Don’t apologize,” he said. “You had a long day; it happens.”
I shook my head. The driver opened the door for us. We got out and walked through the lobby, taking the elevator to his suite. Neither of us said a word the whole time.

Billy let us in and we sat down for a minute. I stretched out my arms and legs, suddenly aware of my nerves again.
“Hungry?” he asked.
I sighed, taking stock. “Yeah,” I decided. “Did you want to go out somewhere?”
We were interrupted by a knock at the door. Billy jumped up to answer. Of course a waiter was at the door; he followed Bill, wheeling a cart over to the table. It was set for dinner, something I hadn’t noticed till just then.
Bill signed for the food and tipped the waiter, who thanked him graciously and left. My stomach rumbled at the smell of the food. Billy laughed.
“Come on, Viv, have summat to eat,” he suggested.
I raised my eyebrows as I moved to the table. “Should I ask when you ordered this? Was it while I was passed out in the car?”
“I called down for it before I left, tellin’ them I wanted it ready after 8:30,” he replied. “Why?”
I shrugged. “No reason.”

We ate in relative silence. I was hungrier than I’d first thought, and I pretty much made a pig of myself with my dinner. In fact, it was all I could do not to ask Billy if he was going to finish his meal.
Finally, I pushed away from the table. Bill had long been done, and had even covered his plate again with the metal lid they used to keep the food warm. He was watching me with an amused look on his face.
“Had enough, then?” he asked, quirking his lips a little. Okay, maybe it was me, but just like pretty much anything else he did when I was around, his voice—and the question—reeked of sex. Not to mention the little smile on his face…damn.
Yeah, it was just me.
I stared at him for a moment and then shook myself. “Yeah, uh, yes, I think I had enough dinner,” I admitted, wiping my mouth and dropping the fancy napkin onto my plate. “In fact, I think I may have had all the food left in the kitchen tonight.”
“Well, if not, I think they’re open another few hours. Dessert?”
I stood up. “No thanks, I’m fine.” I sat on the couch, a few feet away from Bill. I thought the physical distance might help; now that I was well-fed and alert, I was pretty sure I’d want to pounce on him, which would definitely not help in the long run.
He knew. “Afraid of me, Viv?”
I smiled faintly. “No, not really. But you wanted to talk, and what I think of when I look at you…isn’t talking.”
He nodded. “Fair enough. And same to ya.”

We both fell silent again, till I finally spoke up.
“So, uh…talking, right?” I asked.
Billy smiled and nodded.

Now or never.

“Of course,” I replied, taking a deep breath. “You know, Bill, there’s been hardly a moment when I haven’t thought about what you told me the other day.”
He leaned back against his chair and crossed his arms, still smiling but clearly waiting.
“And believe me when I say that during the times when Tim wasn’t obsessively watching me, I was pretty much constantly trying to figure out what I was gonna do.” I smiled. “I even went to Tallou to ask her opinion.”
His eyebrows went up. “Really? That must’ve been…interesting.”
I nodded. “It was. She had to remind me that what I was asking her went a little beyond the scope of her experience.”
“Sensible girl.”
“Yeah, not sure how that happened,” I sighed. “Anyway…I’ve been trying to work this…us…all out in my head, sorting through my feelings, you know?”
Again with the eyebrows. “Sounds a wee bit touchy-feely,” he remarked.
“Please stop interrupting me,” I begged. “This is hard enough.”
“Sorry,” he immediately said. “Carry on, please.”
“…Anyway,” I continued, “…what was I saying?”
Billy shrugged, an innocent look on his face. I closed my eyes and sagged back against the couch. I felt the seat dip next to me and when I opened my eyes, he was right there.
“Viv….”
I jumped up. “Not helping…”
“I only…” he began as I shook my head. “No, no, listen!” he continued, a little too loudly. “I know I’m supposed to sit here and shut the fuck up, but I just can’t.”
I sat beside him and looked at the floor.
“And I know you bloody well knew I couldn’t, and still you tried,” Bill said. “And I can’t keep quiet, because I love you and don’t wanna lose you.”
I looked up at him, suddenly weary. “I’m not fighting with you, Bill,” I sighed. “And I know that’s how you feel; I know you mean it. Otherwise, why would I be here? If I thought you weren’t serious, I’d just…”
His face was serious. “Yeh’d just leave.”
I nodded. “Yeah, I would. Hell, I never would’ve come. I’d be getting on with my life.”
His hands curled around mine. My stomach did a flip.
“Z, look,” I finally said, “I’m—I’m just not sure how this is supposed to work.”

His face fell. He dropped my hands and pulled away.

I rubbed my forehead. “That’s not the way—that came out wrong,” I continued. “You—you’re all over the place, you know? Scotland, LA, New York, wherever. And my life, with or without this job, ugh….” I rolled my eyes. “I’ll be all over the place too, right?”
He sighed and shook his head.
“I just wanna be realistic about this, you know?” I pressed on. “Our lives aren’t in any one place, are they? There’s no real home base.”
Hope flared in his eyes. “I’m willin’, you know I am. Joni will probably go to university here. I’ve been lookin’ for a place in LA so I can see her more.”
I smiled. “That’s good.”
“But I can go anywhere,” Bill continued. “Anywhere you want to be.”
I shook my head. “I don’t want you to change plans for me. That’s not fair to your daughter.”
“She would understand.”
“I’m sure she would, but she shouldn’t be forced to,” I answered.
He was losing patience, I could tell. “Vivian…” he almost whined.
I stood up and started to pace. “You know none of this makes sense, right? I mean, you’re flying all over the goddamn world; I don’t know where I’ll be in a month, let alone in the foreseeable future.”
“But—” was as far as he got.
“You have all this stuff you’re doing,” I went on, “and here I am, almost twenty years down the road in what could charitably be called my career, and I’m still kissing the ass of someone I can barely stand to keep whatever crumbs he might decide to let me have.”
“It doesn’t…”
“Let me finish,” I shot back. “I’ve been working for all this time, doing good work, I might add, with almost nothing to show for it. Would you say that’s about right?”
“No,” Bill stated firmly, “no, I would not. Never.”
I dropped back into my seat and looked at him. “You’re just saying that to get me into bed,” I half-joked.
He sighed. “No, I am also not saying that, but what exactly has your career got to do with any of this? With us?”
I took a deep breath. “Nothing specifically, but it shows you that I’ve been making safe decisions with my head for most of my life, and look where it’s gotten me.”
“You try to keep the risk at a minimum.”
I let out a short laugh. “Yeah, great idea, huh?”
“I dunno what to say to that.”
“Do you think some things just aren’t worth the risk, Bill?”
He thought for a moment. “Sometimes. It depends.”
“Do you think we’re worth it?”
He was surprised. “Of course I do. Why else are we here?”
I closed my eyes; I couldn’t look at him right then.
“I’m not sure I think so,” I murmured.

When I opened my eyes again, I wished I’d kept them shut. He looked so stricken, so…lost. “Well, that’s it then, is it?” he whispered.
“Billy…”
“What?”
“If you look at us, just the facts of this situation, it’s a bad idea, isn’t it?” I asked as gently as I could.
He was silent another minute. “I suppose.”
“But there’s another aspect of this whole thing.”
“Of course,” he said, distractedly.
“Do you know how you make me feel?” I asked.
He tried to smile. “I hope I make you feel as good as you make me feel.”
“You do.”
“But it isn’t enough?”
“Actually…it is,” I replied, smiling.
Bill looked over at me. “What?”
I took his hand. “I…I love you, Bill,” I said softly.
He just stared at me.
“But I went about making this decision all wrong. I did lists, ticked everything off them, but ignored the most important part,” I continued, laying his hand over my heart.
He opened his mouth and shut it again. He looked afraid to speak.
“I’m not playing with you,” I answered his silent question. “I’ve spent most of my life making decisions with just my head, and I thought I should give it a rest.”
“Are…are yeh sure?” he murmured.
“I wanna try,” I said. “I want us to try, however we can, whenever possible.”
He still couldn’t let it go. “What about your head, then?”
I shrugged. “My head can go fuck itself. It never gave a shit about whether I was happy.” I laid a hand on his cheek. “My heart, however, is a different matter.”
I paused and whispered, “It’s been lonely, Z. And I’ve missed so much over the years.” Now I was starting to tear up, goddamit.
Bill stroked a hand over my hair and kissed me soundly. “Tell me again, Vivian, please,” he begged.
“I love you, Billy. I didn’t know, but I really do.”
“I don’t suppose I can get yeh to repeat that anytime soon?” he asked in a hopeful way.
I smiled again. “You might be able to coax that sentiment out of me again in the next few minutes. No promises, though.”
He smiled back finally. “I can be very persuasive, yeh know.” He stood and took my hand again. “I’ll try my best not to disappoint you, Viv.”
“I’m counting on it,” I replied as we walked to his bedroom.