Let's Get Reckless.

I’ve never been more lonely in my life. Even surrounded by bunches of people on a beach, I didn’t like being here. It was day two of shooting, and I was fully aware and into my scenes. But when the cameras went off, it was back to my trailer ‘til they needed me again.

“Jamie we’re almost done. We need you and Joe to do the Rock Toss Scene,” Lane told me and left back out. I sighed and followed her lead, walking all the way over to where the camera guy was telling me. Joe appeared a moment later and ‘Action!’ was yelled. My eyes wandered the horizon, for my own benefit and because it was in the script.

“So” I sighed, throwing the stick in my hand, “That’s my story.”

“Seems like you’ve never got any time for you.” He replied, looking at me. I turned my head to face his. For a moment I stayed quiet like the script said before I said anything. “Yeah. I guess you’re right. I did everything for my mom.”

“You haven’t had your chance to live, Amy. To just sit back and be content. Have fun! Smile and be happy! Live!” I noticed this girl had more in common with me than I wanted to admit. I put everything else besides acting that I wanted away to become some super celebrity. And I achieved that status and I don’t even know what I want anymore. My life wasn’t mine to live, but mine to work to obtain. I didn’t know if I liked being the way I was. Because right now, most of all, I felt lonely. I hadn’t seen the the couple of friends I had and even my week off was work. I thought I had my life in order. Turns out, I based my career around being perfection that that’s what my life was. My career and nothing else. My eyes stung and I looked away.

“I don’t know how.” I muttered, letting a real tear slip, but no one probably noticed the real emotions broiling inside of me.

“Let me show you.” He took my hand in his and stared into my eyes while I stared back.

“Cut!” Joe dropped my hand and stood up, brushing the sand of his body. My mouth stayed agape as he walked away. I sniffled and tears fell silently. If I did I cry, I wouldn’t be obnoxious about it. They’d be subtle so no one would take pity on me. I didn’t need it.

I probably did, but I still refused to let me self have it. But I would put aside the tough exterior of Jamie Isabella Madden to talk to Joe. I was tired of the fighting we’d been doing. Tired of him not caring, or not acknowledging my prescense when he didn’t have to. Or how every word that was exchanged was harsh and unkind. It was horrible and I just became fed up.

I jogged off the beach, trying to catch up to him since he’d gotten a head start. He was on the cobblestone pathway that led back to the hotel. The hunk of trees and various bushes on either side made the light of the sun sprinkle shadows in between the branches overhead.

“Joe.” I was a few steps behind him when I stopped the jog. He turned around and looked at me, annoyed almost. I knew he saw the tears still in my eyes but he didn’t acknowledge them.

“Is there something I missed? Or did I forget to dust the sand of your feet?” He asked, harshly. Normally I wouldn’t have let it effect me, but today was different. I wasn’t feeling like superstar Jamie. I felt worn out and vulnerable. I didn’t like it but I sort of felt like I needed this feeling. To let me now I did have the ability to this wasy. I flinched at his words and I think he noticed.

“No,” I said quietly, and took a big breath, “I don’t…I don’t want to do this anymore.”

“You can’t just back out a movie. And go talk to someone who cares about this.”

Why was he being so mean? I wish I could say I didn’t know. I’ve been so rude to Joe ever since I met him. And the night I refused to listen to a word he had to say, I couldn’t imagine how he felt. What if he’d actually liked me?

“I’m not talking about that, Joe. I’m talking about this” I motioned at the both of us, “The fighting and all of it. I don’t want to fight with you. I give up, you win. I’m done with it. I don’t wanna do this anymore” I wiped the tear from my eye before it had the chance to fall and sniffled a bit. “It’s stupid and it’s a lost cause.”

“So just because you don’t like this going in your favor you’re done?” He retorted. He wouldn’t let it go. “Why do you act like that? Like nothing can touch you. You’re not the best, Jamie and one day you’ll see that.”

“Dammit! You wanna know my life?” I yelled, no longer being able to withstand his crude manner. “ I’ve been doing this thing since I was eight years old. Always work and never play! I never had a life! Nothing but work is what my days consist of everyday. I never got the chance to live or have fun because I didn’t give me that liberty. No I flushed it down the toilet with all the other things I wanted to do that just didn’t fit in with Jamie Madden’s life. I don’t know what I want because I make everything about what I do. There is nothing more to me! I’m shallow and I have no use but to sit in front of a camera and be pretty! So how’s that for a true confession?!” I spat. I broke. Tears left my eyes and I cried.

“Jamie-“

“Don’t bother. I’ll finish it for you. Jamie, you’re still a bitch. Just forget it.” I tried to breath and choked on a sob. I walked away, wiping my tears on the sleeves of my thin shirt