Attention! Attention!

"Because you love him," Jon said. And then he pushed me toward the doctor.

I do not love him, I yelled mentally. The doctor gave me a knowing look and said "Follow me". Why does everyone think they know me? They all are saying things like "You're in love with Brendon" or "Wow, you must really hate Spencer to use him like that" and it bugs the hell out of me.

I followed Dr. Dumbass to Brendon's room but he stopped before we got to the door. "This is the room. The nurse will be outside if you need help."

Help for what?, I thought meanly.

I proceeded into Bren's room. Finding it hard to look up. To face Brendon after what I said. Somewhere deep(deep) inside I knew I didn't really mean what I said. I did once love him. But, then Jon happened.

I walked over to Brendon's bed and I forced myself to look up.

Stab.

He didn't look like himself. He didn't look like the Brendon I know. Correction, knew. How could I do this to him? So selfish. So stupid. So ignorant. I though about the times me and Bren had together and realized that we never official broke up. I also realized that I don't even know why he would have gone to Jon for love.

I was supporting him. I think. I think I was giving him the attention and the nurturing he needed, craved. Yet, he went to Jon. So, maybe it was me. Maybe I was the one who did something wrong. But what? All I ever did was start to go around Spencer more.

Bing.

That's why! That's why Brendon went to Jon! When I was spending all my time with Spencer Brendon had no where(one) to go to. So he went to Jon! It's makes sense now. Yet, it doesn't make it any less complicated. How can something be so joyous and so complicated and depressing at the same time.

Now I know that I never need Spencer to hold me up. I just need to spend less time with Spencer. All of this is my fault. Everything. Because I was a dumb shit head Brendon went to Jon. Because of me my baby is in the hospital. Because of me Bren tried to commit suicide. Everything is because of me and my ignorant, selfish, dumb ass self.

I broke out into sobs. "I do love you Brendon. I really do, and I'm sorry for being such a dumb jerk to you," I said, holding his hand and crying.

"Damn straight," a velvet voice spoke. I looked up gasping.

"Brendon!!"

"Ryan," he nodded.

"I'm so sorry. So very, very, very, very, very, very, -"

"I get the point, hun," He said sounding very please and exhausted.

"I was such a dumb fuck head."

"You were confused. Like a little baby," He said smiling while squeezing my hand.

"Are you tired? Hungry? Do you need anything?" I rushed out, concerned. How could things go from so wrong to so right so fast? It's almost like magic.

"Ugh, no food please. My stomach feels like a pile of poo."

"I'm sorry. I want you to know something, Brendon. I would never intentionally hurt you. When I said, that thing I was just furious. Every one thought that they could just decide who and whom not I was in love with and I was pushed over a ledge. Even though they were right. All correct and just trying to help me. But I was so stupid to realize this. To realize you were in a horrible pain. It's all my fault and I'm just so, so, so sorry. I owe you my life, baby."

"Ryan, it is not your fault. Things happened they way they did for a reason. Nothing ever happens unplanned. Don't blame yourself for my decisions," Brendon said with his eyes closed. It didn't seem to matter what he said. I know it was my fault.

"You need rest." His eyes sprung open.

"No, I'm fine," He said while yawing. I rolled my eyes.

"Yeah, right. Sleep, Bear."

"But you'll leave. I want you here. I want to be with you."

"Brendon, I need to tell everyone you're okay. That you are talking, breathing, smiling. I need to talk to Jon, too..." I said. Afraid of the conversation to come.

"To Jon?"

"Yes, I was unfair to him. I need to apologize. Also, to Gabe and William. And Spencer..."

"Okay. Will you come back?" He asked, afraid.

"Of course, love. If they won't let me though, I will see you tomorrow."

"Think about me,"

"I will, by babe," I said before kissing his lips and walking out.