Always There

Mike paced back and forth in the studio while Billie Joe was in the recording room with Tre, going over how he thought the drum should go in this new song 'Scattered' should go. First it was 'Haushinka' and even 'All The Time.' Both songs had a running theme. A theme that referred to the past, past regrets, someone from Billie Joe's past. Namely, Maria. And now 'Scattered' was thickly laced with reference to the guitarist's ex-girlfriend.

With a smile across his face, Billie Joe stepped into the studio and patted Rob Cavallo, their producer, on the shoulder. "How's the drums sound? They go great with the melody, right?"

"Yeah, sounds great, Billie. It's a great song."

"Yeah, real great," Mike added. "Can I talk to you, man?"

Billie Joe looked over at his friend with a nod as Tre walked into the studio and plopped down on the sofa behind Rob. Mike and Billie Joe stepped out of the room and walked down the hall.

"What's up?" Billie Joe wondered.

"What's with these new songs?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, they're all not about Adrienne. I mean, the songs that sound like they're about Adrienne, they're a little angsty and angry. And then the others...the ones that sound like your wondering how a certain someone is doing and where she is...sounds like Maria to me, Billie."

"Don't be ridiculous, Mike. They're just songs," Billie Joe insisted, rather hastily. "Don't read so into them."

"How can I not when they're so obvious?"

Billie Joe stared at Mike and frowned. "Okay, so what? Big fucking deal. So I wrote a few songs about Maria. What's so bad about drawing from my past experiences to create a song. They can't all be about Adi and smoking pot, y'know."

"I never said they had to be."

"Well, then, get off my case, okay? I wrote the fucking things. If you got a problem with the lyrics, maybe you should write your own," Billie Joe snapped as he stalked off. He pulled his pack of cigarettes from his pants pocket, with his lighter as well.

"Billie. Where ya going?" Mike called after him.

"For a smoke," Billie Joe called back. "Why don't you go read between the lines." With a hefty shove, the Green Day frontman pushed open the door to 880 Studios and stepped outside into the cool night air, leaving Mike speechless in the hallway.

* * *

Green Day's fifth album, Nimrod, had already been released for almost a year at this point. It was a huge hit, but that was Billie Joe's best moment of this new year. On September 12, 1998, he became a father for a second time. His newborn son, Jakob Danger Armstrong. He felt as if he was on top of the world. He had everything he thought he always wanted.

Right?

Then how come he still felt as if he were lacking something at times? That there was a part of him that was missing, a part of him he tried to keep hidden. He could be an introvert, no doubt about it. He liked his privacy when he wasn't on the road or promoting an album. Yet, at the same time, he was restless. He needed something to do, something to keep him busy.

He found solace in playing with his sons, feeling more of a sense of accomplishment in them than with with his career. But have you ever had that feeling, not that something was missing, but there was something out there that was an extension of yourself out there in the world? Like, when your ears ring, you blame it on someone talking about you, somewhere.

Well, for Billie Joe, it felt as if a part of him was making his whole self ring. Like a homing beacon. Something calling out to him that he couldn't explain. He didn't know where this 'thing' was or what it was. But he knew it was out there. And he wasn't sure he'd feel 100 percent whole until he found it.

Because no matter what he did, that nagging feeling was always there.