Always There

Staying true to his word, Billie Joe refrained from telling Adrienne the truth about Maria's pregnancy until Olivia had flown home to New York. And by this time Maria was two months along with seven left to go until 'D-Day.' The Monday that Joey and Jakob returned to school after their holiday break, Billie Joe took a very long shower and took his time getting dressed.

He'd made the decision that this was the day and his heart was pounding as insanely as Tre's drumming. He could feel his pulse resounding in his ears and he wanted it to stop because it was making him more nervous. So much so that he was contemplating how chopping off his hands and feet would be easier.

And how cruel could the world be by allowing the sun to shine so brightly when he was feeling like death warmed over?

But, finally, Billie Joe dragged himself downstairs to the kitchen where Adrienne was still cleaning up the mess from breakfast. He needed to get her out of that room in order to talk because as soon as he dropped the bomb, so to speak, he didn't want her near any sharp objects.

"Adie?" he spoke hesitantly, slouching a little in the archway.

Adrienne turned her head, looking over her shoulder at him and smiling. "Oh, hey, hon. I was starting to wonder if you melted in the shower."

Billie Joe tried to offer up a small laugh but even that came out sounding as guilty and nervous as he felt. When he didn't say anything to further the conversation right then, Adrienne narrowed her eyes in curiosity and quirked an eyebrow.

"You okay?" she asked, setting down the dishtowel she'd been holding in her hand.

"Can we talk?" Billie Joe inquired, his heart feeling heavier with each passing moment.

"Uh...sure," she nodded, going to take a seat at the kitchen table.

"In the living room?"

Adrienne didn't know what the big deal was about where they talked but he clearly didn't want to be in the kitchen.

"Um, okay."

Billie Joe left the kitchen first, only to remain lingering in the archway to the living room while his wife stepped past him. Standing in front of him, and placing her hands on her hips, she shrugged at him.

"Alright, what's up?"

"You might wanna sit down..."

Those five words perked her interest, and not for the better. Nothing good ever came after that setup. But, despite it, Adrienne took a seat on the couch, staring up at Billie Joe with curious brown eyes. Billie Joe shoved his hands in his pockets, pacing back and forth, clearly fighting with himself over what he was about to say.

When they locked eyes, he about shit himself; he was so nervous. But, with a deep sigh, and swallowing back the huge lump in his throat, he gathered as much nerve as he was ever gonna have.

"I have something to tell you, and...and you're not going to like it. You're gonna hate me and probably wish me dead, and I'm not trying to be overdramatic about this. I...I...I just didn't mean for it to happen, but it did, and I'm so sorry. I can't be anymore sorry and I know 'sorry' won't cut it but it's the truth and..."

Billie Joe had been looking at the floor the entire time but the moment he looked back at Adrienne, he could see how things were sinking in, even though he hadn't admitted to anything yet.

Gulping, he pursed his lips in nervousness. "I slept with Maria on New Years Eve," he spit out. Adrienne looked as if she had been hit with a ton of bricks. "Neither of us planned it, it just...happened. I'm not going to blame it on alcohol because I didn't have that much. And, um, I...uh...that wasn't the only time."

"You've been cheating on me?" Adrienne finally blurted. She looked so incredibly betrayed, and Billie Joe just wished he could disappear into the wall.

Looking down at his feet, he nodded. "I didn't mean to," he reiterated. "But...it doesn't just end with that." Oh God, how could he continue? But it was too late to stop now. "We slept together a few times in January and then when I went to see her and Olivia in February when Olivia was having those problems with the kids in her school and Maria kicked her husband out of the house..."

"She kicked her cheating husband out of the house when she was cheating on him as well?" Adrienne questioned, making sure she got this all right. "What a hypocritical bitch to get yourself mixed up with, Billie!" she snipped.

"She's not a bitch, Adie. Mitch is...he's a complete jerk at times and she didn't deserve to have him treating Livvie like she wasn't worth the ground he walked on. Maria was upset and..." he didn't know how to finish that sentence. He couldn't finish that sentence.

"So that gave you the right to fuck her?" she demanded.

"It wasn't like that," Billie Joe insisted.

Tears began to streak down Adrienne's face, her nostrils flaring with anger and disappointment. "Why couldn't you have had a one night stand with a groupie? Not the mother of your bastard daughter."

"Don't you dare call her a bastard, Adi. Don't bring Olivia into this. This has nothing to do with Olivia," he growled, but not as angrily as he could've because his guilt was stronger.

The tension, however, grew monumentally at that moment. He was so confused as how to segue into Maria being pregnant with his child. There was always the option of just blurting it out, randomly, but Adrienne didn't deserve that. She didn't deserve any of this, but...c'est la vie.

"Fine, alright. You've cheated on me with Maria for two months. I guess I should've expected it sooner or later, what with you traveling all the time. Because heaven forbid we respect our marriage vows and beat the cliche. I suppose I should be grateful it lasted this long."

Oh, shit, Billie Joe thought, grimacing. Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit.

Adrienne stood up and folded her arms across her chest and stepped closer to him, looking him in the eye. She was so heartbroken, so upset, but so willingly to look at the man she'd loved for almost sixteen years and do whatever she could to make sure her marriage wouldn't fail. She loved Billie Joe too much to throw it all away.

"How can I forgive you? What can you possibly do to make me trust you again after this?" she asked him.

Billie Joe turned his face away from him. "Stop."

"What? Stop what, Billie? I don't want us to--"

God, could she just shut up so he could finish telling her what was going on. "Adie--"

"Billie Joe. I can accept that you've cheated. I guess this world has become so desensitzed to extramarital sex. But thousands of couples all over the world can make it work after sharing something like this. Oprah had a show on--"

"This isn't fucking Oprah, Adrienne!" he snapped.

Adrienne jerked her head back, almost biting her lip beause she hadn't been expecting that kind of response.

"What's--"

"She's pregnant, Adrienne." That was it. The world had fallen away. A rift was established. "Maria's two months pregnant. With my child. The math adds up and it's impossible for it to be her husband's. It's me," he confessed. "I'm the father."

Adrienne's face was so incredibly overwhelmed with disappointment in her husband. How could he? How could he possibly allow this to happen? How could she forgive him now?

"You asshole," she muttered bitterly.

"I'm sorry, Adi. I'm so sorry."

"Get out."

"Adi..."

"Get out, get out, get out!" she screamed, shoving him against the wall with that last 'get out.'

He fell into the wall with such a force that he was sure he heard his back crack into place as if he'd just been adjusted by a chiropractor. The houseplant on the table by him got knocked over and fell to the floor; dirt spilling out and the pot shattering. And he wasn't about to argue with that. He supposed he deserved it.

Fumbling to get back onto his feet, Billie Joe looked at his wife and then dipped his head when she sank back onto the couch, placing her head in her hands and crying.

Billie Joe reached out to touch her shoulder, to try and talk this through, but she swatted his hand away.

"Get out!" she repeated, almost in a shrill voice.

He didn't need to be told twice. Backing away, Billie Joe stepped out of the living room and looked aimlessly for where he'd left his car keys, only to find them on the key hook in the kitchen.

Not completely thinking straight when he stepped out of the house, the punk rocker got into his Ford Fairlane and peeled out of the driveway without packing a bag or knowing where he was going. Part of him thought he should go back into his house and demand that Adrienne hear him out further, and another part of him wanted to just hop a plane to New York and run to Maria. But neither choice was the best to him just then. He wasn't even sure that going to see Mike or Tre would help his case.

How he allowed everything to get so confusing and painful was a mystery. He had known well and good not to ever cheat on his wife, because he loved her so, but he honestly didn't think he could deny what he felt for Maria. But now he was second guessing every choice he'd made. Was it really worth it? Was it worth risking the sanctitiy of his marriage? The stable homelife he'd had since 1994? He had a son that had just turned eleven the month before and another son that was almost eight. But he also had a twelve and a half year old daughter and another on the way with another woman; a woman he'd loved just as long as Adrienne.

And possibly more?

Ugh, fuck. His brain was so exhausted from going over all this in his head. He just wanted it to disappear. He wanted everything to go away. He wanted the world to stop moving so he could drown it all out and pretend he didn't exist for a while.

After a few hours of driving around the Bay Area, he found himself in Berkeley, parked across the street from 'Berkeley House.' he hadn't been back there in almost seven years. Billie Joe just sat there in the driver's seat, staring at the steps up to the white edifice and the chipped paint that still adorned every nook and cranny. It was such a shit place, but for a time, it was home. A lot had happened in that house. In that downstairs apartment.

They had professional photos taken in the living room there, the music video for 'Longview' was filmed there...Maria had been there. And it hit him that Olivia was conceived there.

Fuck, fuck, fuck. Stupid, stupid dipshit. Cock-sucking, mother-fucking asshole!

He couldn't stop mentally berating himself over how much he'd royally fucked up. Not only had he messed up his marriage, but now he was disrupting Maria's. He was the one that made the first move in the kitchen in November. He was the one who'd made the first move on New Years and every other time. Maria hadn't once come to him to have sex. He came to her.

It was his fault. It was ALL his fault.

Leaning his head forward onto the steering wheel, his shoulder hunched and he let out a sob. He was so broken and confused about what he wanted to do, what he need and had to do.

Right now, Billie Joe decided that crying was the best option.