Always There

It was later in the evening on Christmas Day when Billie Joe set aside some alone time; which was no small feat in a house that seemed to be full of life. Mike had Estelle over, so she was hanging out with Olivia, Ben and Nate; all of whom were happily playing with their new Christmas gifts. Maria was a bit tired and was taking a nap while Mike was holding Hazel in the living room, overseeing the kids' activities while suggesting they put in a movie to watch.

Sitting on Mike's back porch, smoking a Marlboro and nursing a bottle of Heineken, Billie Joe looked out at the yard and the pool that was glimmering with the pink hues from the sun that had just gone down beyond the horizon.

It was a surprisingly peaceful time of day that allowed the East Bay rocker to reflect on the year that would be over in a week's time. All the events that had transpired were more and crazy those that followed him and the guys on the single leg of a tour. And that said a lot because a ton of chaotic shit could go down in the course of two or three months in comparison to a year. But not this time. No tour before this could hold a candle to this year.

2006.

Adrienne was his first love in the sense that he'd met and fallen in love with her before he met Maria, but Maria was his first true love. Adrienne had stole his heart, but Maria had devoured it. Adrienne had given him two son, Maria had given him two daughters and now two surrogate sons.

He didn't want to think about it all as if he was making Maria out to be better than Adrienne because they were both awesome women.

It's just that his heart had been devoured.

Whereas Adrienne may have stolen it, something stolen could be returned or taken back, whilst Maria devoured it. And when something's devoured, it's gone forever. There was no getting it back. And he didn't want it back. He wanted Maria to keep it, cradle it within her for all time and hold it dear.

Yet even though he was clear on what he wanted there, he was stuck with the consequences of his choice.

Joey, his son, clearly hated him. Or maybe he didn't exactly hate his father, but he sure as hell didn't like him. Right now, anyway. But any amount of dislike at all was enough to twist Billie Joe's heart into a pretzel and then make it feel as if it were being stabbed over and over with a fork.

Joey was his first born in the sense that he was the first child he had created, had any knowledge about and had raised from birth. He was there when Joey was born; he got to hold him first before Adrienne did. He taught him how to tie his shoes and ride a bike. He helped teach him how to speak and read and count. Hell, he was even starting to hint toward having 'the talk' with him.

He was his father.

And Joey didn't want anything to do with him apparently.

Hunching forward, Billie Joe placed his forehead into the palm of his hand while managing to dangle his cigarette between his fingers. He swallowed back a lump in his throat that had nothing to do with the swig of beer he'd taken. This was a lump due to trying to keep his emotions down and hold back the tears that threatened to come.

He wasn't one to open up about his feelings that easily. He'd much rather keep to himself and let everything eat away at him, slowly. Over long periods of time. Hell, he let the hidden want to find Maria eat at him for thirteen years. And as soon as he found her again, he broke down and clung to her presence like a fish out of water given a bottle of Evian.

But, in this alone time, Billie Joe was able to do what he couldn't help.

Cry.

It wasn't a sobbing type of cry, or sniffling or even a blubbering one. It was a manly cry that rang with the sounds of being heartbroken and slightly confused. However, his body did shudder with the motion of crying, which couldn't be helped.

"Billie?" came a young voice.

The punk rocker turned his head, while trying to wipe his eyes as discreetly as possible, as he found Ben standing to his right, in the doorway to the back of the house.

"'Sup, Ben?" Billie Joe squeaked out, grimacing at how his voice seemed to falter.

"Are you okay?"

Sitting up straighter, Billie Joe nodded as he tapped his cigarette, letting the ashes fall to the ground. "Yeah, uh...sure."

"So, people who are okay cry when they think no one's around?"

Raising his brow, surprisingly, at the eight-year-old, Billie Joe fumbled for what to say. "Well, um...I was just thinking...and, uh..."

"Why are you sad?" Ben asked, moving further outside and taking the seat beside Billie Joe.

The guitarist sighed, looking down at his Heineken. "I was just thinking about my sons and the holidays," he answered honestly. "And about their mom...and your mom. Just...everything."

"But why're you crying over it?"

Billie Joe looked sideways at the kid. "How is it that you are so damn perceptive?"

"What's perceptive?"

"Um...it means observant. Like, you notice things easily and can understand what's going on for the most part," he did his best at defining. "And I was...crying, only because..." he trailed off. "It helps deal with everything I'm feeling and thinking about. And I guess I'm a little sad at the moment."

"Whatcha sad about?"

"Joey. I know he's really mad at me and won't talk to me." Billie Joe scratched at his temple after taking a drag from his cigarette, blowing out the smoke as he continued to speak. "He's mad 'cause of my divorce from his mom...and I suppose for being away more often..."

"But he's not losing you. Why's he gotta be so angry?"

"He wants me and his mom to stay together, I guess."

"My mom and dad aren't together anymore. And I can't see my dad for twenty years 'cause he's in jail now," Ben muttered. "At least Joey can still see you."

Billie Joe frowned; never really considering how Ben and Nate were taking all of this. They'd been victims of his parents' decisions as well.

"Does that bum you out?"

"Yeah. But even though I don't have my dad, I got my grandpa and you now," replied Ben, with a small shrug, swinging his feet and looking at the ground. "And I got another sister, and my mom smiles a lot more. And it's like I got this bigger family and I've already made some new friends in school."

Smirking, Billie Joe took one last drag from his cigarette and flicked it to the ground, smushing its embers out with the heel of his shoe. He moved his beer from his left to his right hand and then took his left hand to pat Ben on the knee.

"You're a great kid, Ben. You got a great head on your shoulders, and even though you've had to go through a lot of crap because of me and your parents and all the changes going on around you, you're still being strong about it, and that says a lot." Billie Joe smiled; his tears almost a distant memory.

"Joey won't be mad forever though, right? I mean, lots of kids' parents get divorced and they're fine. They get along with their mom and dad, why can't he?"

The punk rocker just smirked again and shrugged. "It's just the beginning of the divorce, so it's hard, which is understandable. But when he doesn't want to talk to me, it hurts."

"Well, you can always talk to me if you wanna. 'Cause if you ever need a son, or just an extra one, I can use an extra dad."

Billie Joe's heart swelled a little. Damn, Maria had some great boys. "Thanks. I think I might just take you up on that offer sometime," he replied. Setting his Heineken down on the ground by his foot, he beckoned to the blue-eyed blonde. "Can I get a hug?"

Ben nodded and got up off his chair, making his way up to Billie Joe and hugging him. He rested his chin on the punk rocker's shoulder, and vice versa. Billie Joe patted the boy's upper back a little and let out a short breath.

"Merry Christmas, Ben."

"Merry Christmas, Billie."