Sand in Your Shoes

I really shouldn’t be standing there, staring at him like some clingy buffoon. But my heart ached as I watched those boys surround him and badger. He looked over for a second and I caught the glance with pure passion in my eyes, so much, that it hurt when he looked away and the smile was retrieved from his face. The guys looked pissed and I couldn’t even begin to imagine why.

“C’mere,” Marie beckoned and I didn’t know any better than to follow, so I did. She sat in the sand, her skin shining in the Sun’s rays as the tanning oil did the best it could to make this white girl a little less white.

“What’s the big deal?” I blurted out as Marie stared at me. She sighed and kicked up her feet so that sand went flying with the wind. The look she gave me was almost pitiful.

“John was saying something about their manager and the record deal,” she paused, turning back to stare off at the ocean, “He didn’t say much.”

Marie glanced over at me, but I was already gone. I slipped the summery dress off of my cool skin and stared at the breaking waves in front of me. If anything, I could get a nice swim in before I had to face whatever was ahead of me. The future fucking sucks sometimes, but I had an ocean and that was a good enough escape for now. I adjusted the waistband of my bikini before strolling into the cool water like it was air on my skin. The salt water rushed over me until I could feel it all the way up to my chest. A wave crested and came flying my way, so I ducked and stayed under water, letting the strong current swoosh over me with force.

“Penny!” I heard someone scream. Kennedy’s hands clasped over his mouth as he stared sternly in my direction. I was caught in his look so strongly. “Look out!”

I turned, my toes curling in the water, only to be hit with a giant wall of water. Fuck. I tumbled, my body being flung around and occasionally smacking against the rough sand. Fuck. I felt two arms grasp at me and pull me up, the fresh air seeming foreign in my lungs as I gasped and then threw up all the water that had gone into my throat and mouth. My legs were bleeding as well as my arms and back, but I couldn’t even see that because I could barely open my eyes.

“Penny,” his voice was so fear filled that I cringed. I managed to open my salt-infested eyes and wobble up on my ankles.

“I’m fine,” I choked out, my voice disappearing as quickly as the sand disappeared into the ocean waters. I faltered, my ankles refusing to work and stumbled into his body. His arms gripping at me as my body slid down his, landing at his feet. And all at once, I realized that this is what happens when you try and run away from the future… you get hit with a wall of water, both figuratively and literally, in some cases.

( & )

Kenny still wouldn’t tell me what I knew had been on his brain this whole time. The whole time he carried me up the stairs, in through the condo and into the bathtub, he was thinking about something. I opened my mouth to say something, but he pressed his finger to my lips as he cleaned my wounds. It was strange how I was completely naked, in a bathtub, getting a rubdown and worrying about what he had to say.

“Ken-“

“Shh, Penny. Don’t speak.”

“But I want to,” I blurted out with a bit more fire than intended. He sighed and dropped the bar of soap that was so intently working on my body. His wet hands went to his hair as he raked his fingers through his hair. He looked too god damn frustrated.

“Then speak.”

“I just want to know what John, Garrett, Pat and Jared said to you,” it was hardly a whisper, “I just need to know now. Don’t lay it on me smooth either and don’t wait for the right time. Tell me now, Kennedy.”

His body tensed, but he released it and placed his hand on mine, which laid on my soaked stomach. “They want us to leave, Penny.”

My eyebrows knitted and I squeezed his hand gently, chewing the inside of my lip. I didn’t care what they wanted, but he didn’t seem to get that. All I wanted to know is what he wanted. And it hit me like a razor so intense that I had to look away from him and bite my lip hard. I never knew what he wanted. And how can that be? How can we call whatever we have love, if I don’t even know what he wants in his life? How can we even take ourselves serious? I don’t even know him.

“Yeah,” I said, trying to hold back all these emotions brewing inside me, “But, what do you want?”

“This is what I’m supposed to do.” He said it like it was something so morally correct, like if he decided to go in the opposite direction it would be disgracing everything and everyone. I bit my lip and took my hand out of his.

“I didn’t ask that,” I paused, “I said ‘What do you want?’”

“God damn it, Penny,” he slammed his fist down on the bath tub’s edge, “Can’t you just fucking back me up?”

“I was just asking a simple question,” I muttered, feeling the tears swelling up in my eyes. I wasn’t the type of person built for fighting. Kennedy’s sat up from his spot on the toilet cover and stared at me, the clear water suddenly making me feel like it wasn’t much of a veil anymore. He glared at me.

“Whatever.”

His footsteps away were too harsh for me to handle and I found myself adding something to the watery bath as my eyes leaked. I held my hand to my face and stared up at the tiled ceiling. Maybe he was just frustrated with the situation his band had put our relationship in. But then again we hardly had a relationship. I was just his first fuck, which I practically forced on him. I’m absolutely pathetic. So maybe this all really was whatever.