The Slaughter Diaries
Blah Blah Blah Ruin Jessica's Life!
May 23rd
In the dining room (Joss Stone: Tell Me What We’re Gonna Do Now)
4:34pm
NOAH SUMNER? NOAH SUMNER?!?!
I hate my life. Seriously God, come on big guy if you have any respect for me then just shoot me down now because I’ll never survive this. I got partnered with Noah Sumner for my Deutsche project. I swear that when Frau S. said our names it was like some invisible fist type thing punched me right in the gut and then slapped me across the face as well…just for emphasis.
What did I ever do to deserve this? How is it that little old me gets partnered up with Noah Sumner who just happens to be Lily Leonard’s asshole of a boyfriend. I’ve heard things about Noah Sumner. And none of those things were positive. Apparently on the weekends he gets super drunk and high with his friends and kills stray cats…FOR FUN! I mean, who does that? What have kitties ever done to him?!?
I can totally see the two of them. Lily and Noah dancing around a fire in some sort of satanic cat killing ritual! What if I mess something up on the project and he decides that cats aren’t enough anymore? What if I’m next?!? Lily would love that.
I described this very scenario to the gang at lunch today. Evan wasn’t impressed with my theatrics.
“You know, I’m sure he’s not so bad Jess.” She said it in that ‘you’re being a dumbass’ sort of way though.
I was nearing hysterical, “I’m sure he’s as bad as Lily! That’s why they’re dating!”
Evan rolled her eyes, “Lily’s not so horrible Jess. You guys got off on a bad foot.”
A bad foot?
“A bad foot? Evan, we’re on more than just a bad foot. We’re on a bad lower body all together…or something.”
Then Nick sat down at the table and made me feel about a million times worse.
“Noah Sumner eh? I heard his temper is like, through the roof. Like, we’re talking Chris Brown type anger.”
I moaned into my hands, “What am I gonna do?”
Nick said, “It’s only a week. Maybe he’s a slacker and he’ll make you do all the work and you’ll never have to see him.”
Evan and I just stared at him.
“Or…you know, the other way around…whatever.”
I kind of hope Nick’s right though. I would fully suffer through doing the entire project alone if it meant not having to be around Noah and his cat killing friends. Mental note: don’t let Noah come near Future, Sex, Love, and Sounds.
Then I came home and my house was a circus (surprise, surprise!)
I walked in the door and the first thing I was greeted with was Poppy. In my face. Shouting.
“Jessica get your stupid cats out of my room, they’ve pissed all over everything!”
Then my parents came down and spazzed out as well.
They were all like, “Jessica clean out that litter box now! Poppy’s room is disgusting! Blah, blah, blah, ruin Jessica’s life!”
And my brother was just laughing uncontrollably through the entire thing. Thanks Dan.
Anyway, the long and short of it is that the kitties have to stay in the basement with their litter box and food until they are potty trained, and Poppy is staying in my room while her comforters and carpets get cleaned. For the entire week. I suggested that perhaps Poppy should go in the basement and the kitties with me, but did anyone listen to reason? No, they did not.
I still haven’t cleaned out the litter box. But how can I be bothered with the little things when:
1) I have no idea how today’s Chemistry final went
2) I DEFINITELY need to study more
3) I have to research a bunch of German history
4) I have to be partners with a cat killing crazy man
5) Justin Marz still hasn’t asked me to marry him.
6) I have to live with my awful sister. For a week. In cramped quarters.
I’ll be sure to write if I get out alive.
Later Days (ha, that show was the bomb diggity)
, Jessica
In the dining room (Joss Stone: Tell Me What We’re Gonna Do Now)
4:34pm
NOAH SUMNER? NOAH SUMNER?!?!
I hate my life. Seriously God, come on big guy if you have any respect for me then just shoot me down now because I’ll never survive this. I got partnered with Noah Sumner for my Deutsche project. I swear that when Frau S. said our names it was like some invisible fist type thing punched me right in the gut and then slapped me across the face as well…just for emphasis.
What did I ever do to deserve this? How is it that little old me gets partnered up with Noah Sumner who just happens to be Lily Leonard’s asshole of a boyfriend. I’ve heard things about Noah Sumner. And none of those things were positive. Apparently on the weekends he gets super drunk and high with his friends and kills stray cats…FOR FUN! I mean, who does that? What have kitties ever done to him?!?
I can totally see the two of them. Lily and Noah dancing around a fire in some sort of satanic cat killing ritual! What if I mess something up on the project and he decides that cats aren’t enough anymore? What if I’m next?!? Lily would love that.
I described this very scenario to the gang at lunch today. Evan wasn’t impressed with my theatrics.
“You know, I’m sure he’s not so bad Jess.” She said it in that ‘you’re being a dumbass’ sort of way though.
I was nearing hysterical, “I’m sure he’s as bad as Lily! That’s why they’re dating!”
Evan rolled her eyes, “Lily’s not so horrible Jess. You guys got off on a bad foot.”
A bad foot?
“A bad foot? Evan, we’re on more than just a bad foot. We’re on a bad lower body all together…or something.”
Then Nick sat down at the table and made me feel about a million times worse.
“Noah Sumner eh? I heard his temper is like, through the roof. Like, we’re talking Chris Brown type anger.”
I moaned into my hands, “What am I gonna do?”
Nick said, “It’s only a week. Maybe he’s a slacker and he’ll make you do all the work and you’ll never have to see him.”
Evan and I just stared at him.
“Or…you know, the other way around…whatever.”
I kind of hope Nick’s right though. I would fully suffer through doing the entire project alone if it meant not having to be around Noah and his cat killing friends. Mental note: don’t let Noah come near Future, Sex, Love, and Sounds.
Then I came home and my house was a circus (surprise, surprise!)
I walked in the door and the first thing I was greeted with was Poppy. In my face. Shouting.
“Jessica get your stupid cats out of my room, they’ve pissed all over everything!”
Then my parents came down and spazzed out as well.
They were all like, “Jessica clean out that litter box now! Poppy’s room is disgusting! Blah, blah, blah, ruin Jessica’s life!”
And my brother was just laughing uncontrollably through the entire thing. Thanks Dan.
Anyway, the long and short of it is that the kitties have to stay in the basement with their litter box and food until they are potty trained, and Poppy is staying in my room while her comforters and carpets get cleaned. For the entire week. I suggested that perhaps Poppy should go in the basement and the kitties with me, but did anyone listen to reason? No, they did not.
I still haven’t cleaned out the litter box. But how can I be bothered with the little things when:
1) I have no idea how today’s Chemistry final went
2) I DEFINITELY need to study more
3) I have to research a bunch of German history
4) I have to be partners with a cat killing crazy man
5) Justin Marz still hasn’t asked me to marry him.
6) I have to live with my awful sister. For a week. In cramped quarters.
I’ll be sure to write if I get out alive.
Later Days (ha, that show was the bomb diggity)
, Jessica
♠ ♠ ♠
Would you like to hear a joke?A man walks into a bar in Notre Dame and sits down. He's really sad and depressed looking and the bartender asks him "what's wrong?"
"Well," the man says "I came here because I wanted to find my old friend. I had this feeling he would be here and now I can't find him and I'm just really frustrated."
So the bartender says, "Well I've had this bar for a long time and I pretty much know everyone here. What's your friend's name"
The man says, "Quasimodo"
The bartender ponders this for a moment, then shouts back to a friend,
"Hey, hey Tim, does Quasimodo ring a bell?"
HAHAHAHAHASHAHA! Do you get it?!?!? I just made it up!