Senior Slumps
Gilman
Even after 4 years the atmosphere of 924 Gilman Street is still unmistakable, the air thick with a mixture smoke and sweat and the room constantly filled to the brim with excitement. Being led around by my old high school friend Anastasia, I felt like I was 18 again and coming here to ask questions about the world around me. But now I was 22 and coming back to finally find the answers.
There was some band that I didn't recognized named Biftec blasting that classic angst-filled music that I used to know so well and the crowd's response was amazing, just like it always was. I always loved the people who came to this club because unlike the rest of the world, they didn't give a crap about whoever was standing next to them; they were just here for the music. Because to these people, music wasn't just a hobby, or something to play in the background; it was their life, their crutch, the thing that gave them a purpose in this cold, cruel world. And tonight, I was one of them again.
Ana and I finally found a good spot near the back of the room, we were a little bit late that night so this was the best we could do, which was fine because it allowed us to talk without having to scream our lungs out. I forgot how much I had missed Anastasia since I had left. She was still the sweet funny brunette, that wasn't afraid to get tough if she had to, that I knew so well in high school. But like me, she had changed a lot too, choosing to go to UCLA so she could visit her family easier. One thing about our friendship had stayed the same though we were still "Gilman Buddies" as we joked about in high school, meaning we always went here together and apparently, we still did.
"I'm going to go to the bathroom!" I called over the thunderous drum solo that shook the club.
"WHAT?!" Ana shouted back
"I'M GOING TO THE BATHROOM!!" I yelled back and she nodded before turning her attention back to the stage.
I wove my way through the mass of people which seemed to be growing with every bang on the drum set. But luckily, I still knew this place by heart and found the bathroom quickly, also finding the long line of people outside of it. After about a 5 minute wait I finally got in there. When I was done I checked myself out in the full length mirror, which wasn't an easy task seeing as it was covered in graffiti and there were two girls making out against it. But nevertheless I assumed that I probably looked ok and made my way back into the main room of the club.
It was complete chaos. There were people everywhere, I tried to look over the crowd to try and spot Ana but standing on my toes, my view was blocked out by a large green Mohawk. I began walking against the wall, still searching over the crowd as they moshed and jumped along to a new fast-paced song. I began to curse at myself; this was completely useless because there was no way I was going to find her again.
"Shit, Shit, Shit... " I muttered to myself. I looked behind me to see if I had somehow missed her, when I bumped into somebody, sending whatever drink they had in their hand all over both of us.
"What the fuck!" the person growled angrily.
Feeling a pang of fear, I whipped around to face whoever it was. "I'm so... " I began to apologize, but as soon as those green eyes met mine I completely forgot everything I was going to say.
"Holy shit," his voice said, still staring directly at me, those eyes boring right through any false confidence that I tried to muster in those few seconds, "Jessica?"
All of a sudden, I was really nervous. I swallowed hard, and forced some kind of smile on my face before offering a quiet "Hey,"
"Oh my God, what are you doing here?" he questioned, blinking wildly, like he didn't believe I was standing right in front of him, like I was a mirage that would soon disappear into the thick, club atmosphere.
"I, I," I stammered like an idiot, trying to figure out for myself what I really was doing here, "Looking for my pride." I admitted quietly to myself, tearing my eyes from his and looking down at the dirty floor.
"Huh?" Billie Joe asked his eyebrow quirked. "I can't hear you, C'mon." he grabbed my arm at the wrist and pulled me through the large crowd of people.
We continued through the hoards until we were outside, breathing fresh air for the first time in hours. I followed him around a corner to where there weren't any people. When we were finally alone he turned to me, "Jess, why did you come back?"
I stared at him for a few seconds, noticing how the darkness cast shadows over every angle on his face. I wasn't even sure I knew the answer to what he was asking me. Or maybe I did and I was just scared of his reaction.
"It's just," I began, and with those two words it was like some kind of dam had burst and every thought, feeling and emotion behind it came pouring out of my mouth like water.
"It's just, I couldn't stand it anymore Billie Joe, I hated who I was, and I hated who I had become after I'd left you and left this place."
I bit my lip to keep from crying, but it didn't help, the tears began streaming down my cheeks and he patiently wiped them away as I continued. "And I just, I needed to see you, and needed to be with you Billie, because its like when I'm with you, everything is alright and I'm happy. So I came back home for a while, and I'm just realizing how completely stupid that was because you've probably moved on, I figured that you probably didn't even remember me... " Billie Joe put his hand up to silence me and forced myself to shut up, finally taking a shuddery breath. He chuckled a little bit and shook his head. "Jess," he placed his hands on my cheeks and took in a deep breath. "There is no way in hell I could have forgotten about you. Jessica, I loved you."
I looked down at the gravel beneath our feet, he put his fingers under my chin and lifted my head up so I was looking at him, I felt my lips inch closer to his, I felt his smoky breath on my face and just as our lips brushed, memories of the heartbreak, the bitterness and the anger of those last few days flashed through my head like lightning and I jerked away.
"I'm sorry, I can't." I shook my head, tuned and quickly walked away, not looking back. Leaving Billie Joe Armstrong alone in the darkness.
"Where the Hell were you??" Anastasia asked when I she found me in the outside the entrance to the club. "Do you have any idea how fucking scared I was?"
"I'm sorry," I said softly, "Can we just go?"
Assuming something was wrong, Ana stopped being angry and we walked to the car. She didn't ask any questions though, figuring if I wanted to talk I would. Instead she chatted happily about what had happened to her after I 'disappeared'
"I met the sweetest guy!" she said smiling as we pulled onto the street.
"Oh yeah, that's cool." I said, pretending to be interested.
"His name's Mike, he plays bass, but not in the band we saw tonight. Some other band, but I gave him my number, God, I really hope he calls"
"Hmm..." I said, not really listening to what she was saying, I appreciated Ana trying to take my mind off of what happened but I wasn't in the mood to gossip, or really do anything at all. I sniffled and placed my head against the cool glass of the window as she kept talking. I closed my eyes and wished that this was all just a dream; I also wished I wasn't such a complete basket case and that my heart and my head could actually work together for once. Before I knew it Ana had pulled up in front of my Mom's place and I began to get out.
"You alright?" she called from the driver seat.
"Yeah," I lied, "I'll call you alright? Maybe we can do something this weekend?"
"If I don't have plans with Mike." She smiled
I smiled but my heart wasn't in it, "Alright, bye!"
I shut the door and she drove away, I slowly made my way up the pathway to my front door and as soon as I got inside I went quickly up the stairs to my bedroom. When I hit the mattress I buried my head into my pillow and let out a muffled sob.
How the hell could I have let him get away again?
There was some band that I didn't recognized named Biftec blasting that classic angst-filled music that I used to know so well and the crowd's response was amazing, just like it always was. I always loved the people who came to this club because unlike the rest of the world, they didn't give a crap about whoever was standing next to them; they were just here for the music. Because to these people, music wasn't just a hobby, or something to play in the background; it was their life, their crutch, the thing that gave them a purpose in this cold, cruel world. And tonight, I was one of them again.
Ana and I finally found a good spot near the back of the room, we were a little bit late that night so this was the best we could do, which was fine because it allowed us to talk without having to scream our lungs out. I forgot how much I had missed Anastasia since I had left. She was still the sweet funny brunette, that wasn't afraid to get tough if she had to, that I knew so well in high school. But like me, she had changed a lot too, choosing to go to UCLA so she could visit her family easier. One thing about our friendship had stayed the same though we were still "Gilman Buddies" as we joked about in high school, meaning we always went here together and apparently, we still did.
"I'm going to go to the bathroom!" I called over the thunderous drum solo that shook the club.
"WHAT?!" Ana shouted back
"I'M GOING TO THE BATHROOM!!" I yelled back and she nodded before turning her attention back to the stage.
I wove my way through the mass of people which seemed to be growing with every bang on the drum set. But luckily, I still knew this place by heart and found the bathroom quickly, also finding the long line of people outside of it. After about a 5 minute wait I finally got in there. When I was done I checked myself out in the full length mirror, which wasn't an easy task seeing as it was covered in graffiti and there were two girls making out against it. But nevertheless I assumed that I probably looked ok and made my way back into the main room of the club.
It was complete chaos. There were people everywhere, I tried to look over the crowd to try and spot Ana but standing on my toes, my view was blocked out by a large green Mohawk. I began walking against the wall, still searching over the crowd as they moshed and jumped along to a new fast-paced song. I began to curse at myself; this was completely useless because there was no way I was going to find her again.
"Shit, Shit, Shit... " I muttered to myself. I looked behind me to see if I had somehow missed her, when I bumped into somebody, sending whatever drink they had in their hand all over both of us.
"What the fuck!" the person growled angrily.
Feeling a pang of fear, I whipped around to face whoever it was. "I'm so... " I began to apologize, but as soon as those green eyes met mine I completely forgot everything I was going to say.
"Holy shit," his voice said, still staring directly at me, those eyes boring right through any false confidence that I tried to muster in those few seconds, "Jessica?"
All of a sudden, I was really nervous. I swallowed hard, and forced some kind of smile on my face before offering a quiet "Hey,"
"Oh my God, what are you doing here?" he questioned, blinking wildly, like he didn't believe I was standing right in front of him, like I was a mirage that would soon disappear into the thick, club atmosphere.
"I, I," I stammered like an idiot, trying to figure out for myself what I really was doing here, "Looking for my pride." I admitted quietly to myself, tearing my eyes from his and looking down at the dirty floor.
"Huh?" Billie Joe asked his eyebrow quirked. "I can't hear you, C'mon." he grabbed my arm at the wrist and pulled me through the large crowd of people.
We continued through the hoards until we were outside, breathing fresh air for the first time in hours. I followed him around a corner to where there weren't any people. When we were finally alone he turned to me, "Jess, why did you come back?"
I stared at him for a few seconds, noticing how the darkness cast shadows over every angle on his face. I wasn't even sure I knew the answer to what he was asking me. Or maybe I did and I was just scared of his reaction.
"It's just," I began, and with those two words it was like some kind of dam had burst and every thought, feeling and emotion behind it came pouring out of my mouth like water.
"It's just, I couldn't stand it anymore Billie Joe, I hated who I was, and I hated who I had become after I'd left you and left this place."
I bit my lip to keep from crying, but it didn't help, the tears began streaming down my cheeks and he patiently wiped them away as I continued. "And I just, I needed to see you, and needed to be with you Billie, because its like when I'm with you, everything is alright and I'm happy. So I came back home for a while, and I'm just realizing how completely stupid that was because you've probably moved on, I figured that you probably didn't even remember me... " Billie Joe put his hand up to silence me and forced myself to shut up, finally taking a shuddery breath. He chuckled a little bit and shook his head. "Jess," he placed his hands on my cheeks and took in a deep breath. "There is no way in hell I could have forgotten about you. Jessica, I loved you."
I looked down at the gravel beneath our feet, he put his fingers under my chin and lifted my head up so I was looking at him, I felt my lips inch closer to his, I felt his smoky breath on my face and just as our lips brushed, memories of the heartbreak, the bitterness and the anger of those last few days flashed through my head like lightning and I jerked away.
"I'm sorry, I can't." I shook my head, tuned and quickly walked away, not looking back. Leaving Billie Joe Armstrong alone in the darkness.
"Where the Hell were you??" Anastasia asked when I she found me in the outside the entrance to the club. "Do you have any idea how fucking scared I was?"
"I'm sorry," I said softly, "Can we just go?"
Assuming something was wrong, Ana stopped being angry and we walked to the car. She didn't ask any questions though, figuring if I wanted to talk I would. Instead she chatted happily about what had happened to her after I 'disappeared'
"I met the sweetest guy!" she said smiling as we pulled onto the street.
"Oh yeah, that's cool." I said, pretending to be interested.
"His name's Mike, he plays bass, but not in the band we saw tonight. Some other band, but I gave him my number, God, I really hope he calls"
"Hmm..." I said, not really listening to what she was saying, I appreciated Ana trying to take my mind off of what happened but I wasn't in the mood to gossip, or really do anything at all. I sniffled and placed my head against the cool glass of the window as she kept talking. I closed my eyes and wished that this was all just a dream; I also wished I wasn't such a complete basket case and that my heart and my head could actually work together for once. Before I knew it Ana had pulled up in front of my Mom's place and I began to get out.
"You alright?" she called from the driver seat.
"Yeah," I lied, "I'll call you alright? Maybe we can do something this weekend?"
"If I don't have plans with Mike." She smiled
I smiled but my heart wasn't in it, "Alright, bye!"
I shut the door and she drove away, I slowly made my way up the pathway to my front door and as soon as I got inside I went quickly up the stairs to my bedroom. When I hit the mattress I buried my head into my pillow and let out a muffled sob.
How the hell could I have let him get away again?