Senior Slumps
Label
A tear splashed onto the page of an open textbook, making wet splotches all over a picture of Washington Crossing the Delaware.
I ignored this and buried her head in her hands, letting sobs echo of the walls of the Periodicals Section. Not that anyone could hear me; this part of the library was always abandoned. I couldn't understand why I'd been so miserable lately, I blamed that the years of false smiles and pretend happiness had finally taken its toll and I couldn't take it anymore; it was tearing me apart.
The thing that scared me most though, was that suicide had become a common thought in the back of my mind. I had dreams about it, which always had me waking up in a cold sweat, checking my pulse to see if I was still alive. The practical part of me knew that I was being stupid, that suicide was a selfish thought and I had my whole life ahead of her. No, I would never sink to that level.
But right now, I couldn't help but cry over my life. Anyone who had seen me would have told me to stop complaining, that people would kill to have the life I was lucky enough to be born into. As I laid my head down on the desk, tears racked my whole body, making my shoulders shudder. I didn't even hear someone sit down across from her.
"Hey," a male voice said, making me shoot up straight.
"Oh umm," I sniffled and tried to wipe my eyes, "Can I help you?"
"Can I help you?" he asked scooting his chair closer, "Are you alright?"
"Yeah," I lied, nodding my head, "I'm fine,"
"Ok, so hiding in the back of the library twice a week and crying your eyes out means your fine?" he raised his eyebrows, "Wow, I've been wrong all along"
"Wait a minute, have you been watching me?" I asked my wet eyes accusing him
He shrugged simply, "I've seen you a few times,"
"Who are you?" I asked, eyeing him up and down. He was wearing a white T-shirt, and faded Levis his dark hair had a curl to it, and his eyes were a piercing emerald green.
"I'm Billie Joe, I was in your homeroom last year." He said.
"I don't remember you, sorry," I said lamely, focusing more on trying to stop crying.
"Most people don't, I think I saw you at Gilman Street the other night though. Didn't I come up and ask you for a lighter?"
My eyes widened, and then I laughed through the tears, "Yeah," I said, "You did, I though I recognized you a little, you were the guy that was really high,"
Billie Joe smiled, "Guilty."
I sniffled and started to pack up. "Wait a minute," he said grabbing my wrist "What's wrong?"
I looked over at him, noticing how his eyes were full of concern, unlike how I had seen them a few nights ago. "I don't know," I said sitting back down. "Its just, everything sucks."
Billie Joe let out a noise that sounded like a scoff, "Now tell me," he smiled, "Why everything sucks?"
"Because," I started, feeling a lump in my throat as the tears began to form in my eyes.
"God, it's like my whole life has been planned out for me, you know? And the only one who doesn't have any say in it is me." I shook my head and kept rambling. "Ever since I was little I've been pampered and spoiled and told what to wear and who to date. And I know I sound like a complete brat for saying so, but I hate it so much and I'd do anything to run away from it, from everything."
I kept going. I suddenly realized I was babbling my secret emotions to a complete stranger, but strangely, I really didn't care. "That's why I went to Gilman Street, that night you saw me. I went with one of my friends to get away from it all. To be around people who really don't give a crap. And I loved it." I buried my head back into my hands, once again letting tears rack my body. I felt a hand rubbing my back, and knew it had to be Billie Joe's even though he hadn't said a word.
A few minutes later I lifted my head and rubbed my eyes, noticing the black streak of mascara that was left on my hands. I turned to face Billie Joe, who had removed his hand from my back and was now staring at me, his face soft.
"God," I groaned, adding a laugh, "You probably think I'm crazy."
He smiled and shook his head, "Not at all, I think you're so beautiful right now actually."
I looked up from the book I was reading and stared up at the gray sky, it was threatening rain and the water beneath it was dark and angry. The beach was deserted, for good reasoning: it was the coldest June that California had seen in years.
I glanced down at my watch; it was 4:40, I had twenty minutes left. A breeze began to blow across the sand and I huddled my sweatshirt closer to my body. From the lifeguard stand I could see boats and ships racing away from the horizon, trying desperately to return to shore before the storm.
I sighed and turned my attention back to my book. It had been 5 years since I had first been a lifeguard and after taking this job I suddenly remembered why I had quit in the first place. It was the most boring job in the world, no one ever drowned and I could never find anything to do for the 6 hours I was on duty. The only plus side was that I got paid pretty well and was able to buy some food for myself and shower necessities for Billie Joe, who swore he never needed them.
I smiled at the thought of it, in the two weeks since I moved back home I'm sure that Billie Joe only bathed once, which is why I spoiled him by buying him deodorant, which he always accepted as an insult.
Another wind began to pick up as I struggled to turn a page. The gust blew the pages of the book, sending me from chapter 12 all the way back to page one. I growled in frustration as the sand continued to whip around the base of the lifeguard stand. I didn't even hear anyone walk up.
"I fucked up," a voice said from below me. I looked down and instantly recognized the blue head beneath my seat.
"Huh?" I asked, crawling down from my post to the sand.
"I just made the biggest fucking mistake of my life," Billie Joe said simply, his shoulders were slumped and he had his hands dug deep into his pockets.
"Wait, what are you talking about?" I asked confused. He had never mentioned anything was bothering him the last few days I couldn't imagine what the hell he had done wrong.
"Can we go for a walk?" he asked he almost looked panicked, "I think I need to talk to you"
Worry filled my gut; what was he talking about?
I wasn't supposed to leave for another ten minutes. But the beach was completely empty and this did seem like an emergency. "Yeah sure. Let's go get some coffee."
**
Billie Joe slumped into the booth of the coffee shop and buried his head in his hands.
"Bill, what's going on?" I asked him, a little afraid of what his answer was.
"We signed it," he said quietly, more to himself than to me.
"Signed what?" I asked. My eyes widened when I remembered. "Oh my God Bill,"
He nodded and then shook his head, "We signed to Reprise. We did exactly what we said we would never fucking do." He slammed his fist down onto the table, startling me a little bit.
"What happened?" I asked, touching his arm
"Well," he started, "Mike, Tré and I were talking the other day and it came up. We figured we wanted to get our music out there you know? We wanted the world to know where we came from and what we were about. We knew the consequences, but I guess at the time we didn't really care. So we did it." He put his head down on the table.
"So what are you going to do?" I asked quietly, rubbing his arm.
Billie Joe shook his head, "I guess we're just going to see what happens. No band has more potential than us. So we're going to be just a huge fuck up or the best band in the world."
"I'm voting for number two," I said and I leaned across the booth and kissed his cheek. "No matter what I'm here for ya."
Billie Joe gave a weak smile, "You know this means we can't go to Gilman anymore."
I nodded; I knew that the three of them would probably never be allowed to set foot in there again. "Fuck 'em" I said. "Fuck 'em all."
Thankfully, Billie Joe grinned. "Hey Jess," he said, grabbing my wrist
"What?" I asked coyly.
"Can I crash at your place tonight?"
*-*
"Hey there lookin' at me
Tell me what do you see
But you quickly turn your head away
Try to find the words I could use
Don't have the courage to come up to you
My chance is looking a bit grey"
I rolled my eyes as Billie finished the song. When he was done he stopped strumming and looked over at me. "So," he said around the cigarette that dangled in his lips. "How do you like life after graduating college?"
I looked up from the letter I was reading, I hadn't been out of college for 2 months and they were already sending bills. "Better than college," I said with a sigh letting a yawn escape from my mouth.
"What are you talking about?" Billie Joe furrowed his brow "You told me you loved it."
"I did, I did!" I said defensively, sitting up next to Billie Joe, "It's just that senior year sucked it hard."
"Ha," Billie Joe said, flicking the ash from the cigarette into my trash barrel. My mom would have killed him if she found him smoking in here; not that he cared. "Now why is that?"
"It just, sucked." I said, flopping back down on my pillow. "I was just ready to get out of there and start my real life. And than that ass-wipe, Burke, cheated on me with the biggest hoe on campus, plus I was starting to miss you and regret splitting up." I buried my head in my pillow and let out a growl "There was so much emotion and drama; it was like the sophomore slumps all over again."
"The Senior Slumps," Billie Joe added with a raised eyebrow.
"Exactly!" I said, turning on my back and staring at the ceiling. "But it's something you have to do in order to get on with the rest of my life. So I put on a smile and forced my way through all the bullshit." I ended my rambling with a heavy sigh and covered my head with the pillow.
Billie Joe hummed at me and I could hear him pick up his guitar. He plucked at the strings for a minute until the notes came out sounding like a redneck country song.
"The slumps, is an uphill battle... " He sang with a poor attempt at a twang, making me laugh. After that line he tried to thing of another lyric, but gave up after a minute. "Fuck it," he smiled, "That's the end of that song."
"Oh gee," I said sarcastically "No wonder you're on a major label."
Billie Joe smiled, but looked a little bit uncomfortable all of a sudden as he put his guitar on the floor.
"Sorry," I murmured as he lay down beside me. Suddenly I felt like a complete bitch.
"It's not your fault," He said, wrapping his arms around my waist "It's mine for selling out."
Not knowing how to answer that, I stroked his arm, noticing the vine tattoo around his forearm and wondering what inspiration was behind it.
"Am I a sell out?" he asked quietly, almost in a whisper.
"Do you want me to be honest?" I asked, turning toward him, his eyes were clouded with confusion.
He nodded, "Just like you always are with me."
"Yeah," I admitted, diverting my eyes from his for a second but only to bring them up again as I ran a hand through his hair, resting my hand on his cheek. "You're officially a sell out, Billie Joe."
I ignored this and buried her head in her hands, letting sobs echo of the walls of the Periodicals Section. Not that anyone could hear me; this part of the library was always abandoned. I couldn't understand why I'd been so miserable lately, I blamed that the years of false smiles and pretend happiness had finally taken its toll and I couldn't take it anymore; it was tearing me apart.
The thing that scared me most though, was that suicide had become a common thought in the back of my mind. I had dreams about it, which always had me waking up in a cold sweat, checking my pulse to see if I was still alive. The practical part of me knew that I was being stupid, that suicide was a selfish thought and I had my whole life ahead of her. No, I would never sink to that level.
But right now, I couldn't help but cry over my life. Anyone who had seen me would have told me to stop complaining, that people would kill to have the life I was lucky enough to be born into. As I laid my head down on the desk, tears racked my whole body, making my shoulders shudder. I didn't even hear someone sit down across from her.
"Hey," a male voice said, making me shoot up straight.
"Oh umm," I sniffled and tried to wipe my eyes, "Can I help you?"
"Can I help you?" he asked scooting his chair closer, "Are you alright?"
"Yeah," I lied, nodding my head, "I'm fine,"
"Ok, so hiding in the back of the library twice a week and crying your eyes out means your fine?" he raised his eyebrows, "Wow, I've been wrong all along"
"Wait a minute, have you been watching me?" I asked my wet eyes accusing him
He shrugged simply, "I've seen you a few times,"
"Who are you?" I asked, eyeing him up and down. He was wearing a white T-shirt, and faded Levis his dark hair had a curl to it, and his eyes were a piercing emerald green.
"I'm Billie Joe, I was in your homeroom last year." He said.
"I don't remember you, sorry," I said lamely, focusing more on trying to stop crying.
"Most people don't, I think I saw you at Gilman Street the other night though. Didn't I come up and ask you for a lighter?"
My eyes widened, and then I laughed through the tears, "Yeah," I said, "You did, I though I recognized you a little, you were the guy that was really high,"
Billie Joe smiled, "Guilty."
I sniffled and started to pack up. "Wait a minute," he said grabbing my wrist "What's wrong?"
I looked over at him, noticing how his eyes were full of concern, unlike how I had seen them a few nights ago. "I don't know," I said sitting back down. "Its just, everything sucks."
Billie Joe let out a noise that sounded like a scoff, "Now tell me," he smiled, "Why everything sucks?"
"Because," I started, feeling a lump in my throat as the tears began to form in my eyes.
"God, it's like my whole life has been planned out for me, you know? And the only one who doesn't have any say in it is me." I shook my head and kept rambling. "Ever since I was little I've been pampered and spoiled and told what to wear and who to date. And I know I sound like a complete brat for saying so, but I hate it so much and I'd do anything to run away from it, from everything."
I kept going. I suddenly realized I was babbling my secret emotions to a complete stranger, but strangely, I really didn't care. "That's why I went to Gilman Street, that night you saw me. I went with one of my friends to get away from it all. To be around people who really don't give a crap. And I loved it." I buried my head back into my hands, once again letting tears rack my body. I felt a hand rubbing my back, and knew it had to be Billie Joe's even though he hadn't said a word.
A few minutes later I lifted my head and rubbed my eyes, noticing the black streak of mascara that was left on my hands. I turned to face Billie Joe, who had removed his hand from my back and was now staring at me, his face soft.
"God," I groaned, adding a laugh, "You probably think I'm crazy."
He smiled and shook his head, "Not at all, I think you're so beautiful right now actually."
I looked up from the book I was reading and stared up at the gray sky, it was threatening rain and the water beneath it was dark and angry. The beach was deserted, for good reasoning: it was the coldest June that California had seen in years.
I glanced down at my watch; it was 4:40, I had twenty minutes left. A breeze began to blow across the sand and I huddled my sweatshirt closer to my body. From the lifeguard stand I could see boats and ships racing away from the horizon, trying desperately to return to shore before the storm.
I sighed and turned my attention back to my book. It had been 5 years since I had first been a lifeguard and after taking this job I suddenly remembered why I had quit in the first place. It was the most boring job in the world, no one ever drowned and I could never find anything to do for the 6 hours I was on duty. The only plus side was that I got paid pretty well and was able to buy some food for myself and shower necessities for Billie Joe, who swore he never needed them.
I smiled at the thought of it, in the two weeks since I moved back home I'm sure that Billie Joe only bathed once, which is why I spoiled him by buying him deodorant, which he always accepted as an insult.
Another wind began to pick up as I struggled to turn a page. The gust blew the pages of the book, sending me from chapter 12 all the way back to page one. I growled in frustration as the sand continued to whip around the base of the lifeguard stand. I didn't even hear anyone walk up.
"I fucked up," a voice said from below me. I looked down and instantly recognized the blue head beneath my seat.
"Huh?" I asked, crawling down from my post to the sand.
"I just made the biggest fucking mistake of my life," Billie Joe said simply, his shoulders were slumped and he had his hands dug deep into his pockets.
"Wait, what are you talking about?" I asked confused. He had never mentioned anything was bothering him the last few days I couldn't imagine what the hell he had done wrong.
"Can we go for a walk?" he asked he almost looked panicked, "I think I need to talk to you"
Worry filled my gut; what was he talking about?
I wasn't supposed to leave for another ten minutes. But the beach was completely empty and this did seem like an emergency. "Yeah sure. Let's go get some coffee."
**
Billie Joe slumped into the booth of the coffee shop and buried his head in his hands.
"Bill, what's going on?" I asked him, a little afraid of what his answer was.
"We signed it," he said quietly, more to himself than to me.
"Signed what?" I asked. My eyes widened when I remembered. "Oh my God Bill,"
He nodded and then shook his head, "We signed to Reprise. We did exactly what we said we would never fucking do." He slammed his fist down onto the table, startling me a little bit.
"What happened?" I asked, touching his arm
"Well," he started, "Mike, Tré and I were talking the other day and it came up. We figured we wanted to get our music out there you know? We wanted the world to know where we came from and what we were about. We knew the consequences, but I guess at the time we didn't really care. So we did it." He put his head down on the table.
"So what are you going to do?" I asked quietly, rubbing his arm.
Billie Joe shook his head, "I guess we're just going to see what happens. No band has more potential than us. So we're going to be just a huge fuck up or the best band in the world."
"I'm voting for number two," I said and I leaned across the booth and kissed his cheek. "No matter what I'm here for ya."
Billie Joe gave a weak smile, "You know this means we can't go to Gilman anymore."
I nodded; I knew that the three of them would probably never be allowed to set foot in there again. "Fuck 'em" I said. "Fuck 'em all."
Thankfully, Billie Joe grinned. "Hey Jess," he said, grabbing my wrist
"What?" I asked coyly.
"Can I crash at your place tonight?"
*-*
"Hey there lookin' at me
Tell me what do you see
But you quickly turn your head away
Try to find the words I could use
Don't have the courage to come up to you
My chance is looking a bit grey"
I rolled my eyes as Billie finished the song. When he was done he stopped strumming and looked over at me. "So," he said around the cigarette that dangled in his lips. "How do you like life after graduating college?"
I looked up from the letter I was reading, I hadn't been out of college for 2 months and they were already sending bills. "Better than college," I said with a sigh letting a yawn escape from my mouth.
"What are you talking about?" Billie Joe furrowed his brow "You told me you loved it."
"I did, I did!" I said defensively, sitting up next to Billie Joe, "It's just that senior year sucked it hard."
"Ha," Billie Joe said, flicking the ash from the cigarette into my trash barrel. My mom would have killed him if she found him smoking in here; not that he cared. "Now why is that?"
"It just, sucked." I said, flopping back down on my pillow. "I was just ready to get out of there and start my real life. And than that ass-wipe, Burke, cheated on me with the biggest hoe on campus, plus I was starting to miss you and regret splitting up." I buried my head in my pillow and let out a growl "There was so much emotion and drama; it was like the sophomore slumps all over again."
"The Senior Slumps," Billie Joe added with a raised eyebrow.
"Exactly!" I said, turning on my back and staring at the ceiling. "But it's something you have to do in order to get on with the rest of my life. So I put on a smile and forced my way through all the bullshit." I ended my rambling with a heavy sigh and covered my head with the pillow.
Billie Joe hummed at me and I could hear him pick up his guitar. He plucked at the strings for a minute until the notes came out sounding like a redneck country song.
"The slumps, is an uphill battle... " He sang with a poor attempt at a twang, making me laugh. After that line he tried to thing of another lyric, but gave up after a minute. "Fuck it," he smiled, "That's the end of that song."
"Oh gee," I said sarcastically "No wonder you're on a major label."
Billie Joe smiled, but looked a little bit uncomfortable all of a sudden as he put his guitar on the floor.
"Sorry," I murmured as he lay down beside me. Suddenly I felt like a complete bitch.
"It's not your fault," He said, wrapping his arms around my waist "It's mine for selling out."
Not knowing how to answer that, I stroked his arm, noticing the vine tattoo around his forearm and wondering what inspiration was behind it.
"Am I a sell out?" he asked quietly, almost in a whisper.
"Do you want me to be honest?" I asked, turning toward him, his eyes were clouded with confusion.
He nodded, "Just like you always are with me."
"Yeah," I admitted, diverting my eyes from his for a second but only to bring them up again as I ran a hand through his hair, resting my hand on his cheek. "You're officially a sell out, Billie Joe."