Care For Me Not, I'll Hurt You Too Much

You sit on the swings, resting your head against one of the chains as your breathing came in slightly heavier than normal. You closed your eyes and dangled on the swings, allowing your toes to skim the worn patch of earth beneath. The two of you had been swinging for what felt like over an hour, but in reality had probably been only thirty or so minutes.

After you spotted Gerard watching you swing, you had felt so ashamed and embarrassed. You thought you had upset him. You didn’t know if doing something like that would be okay with him. You convinced yourself that he wouldn’t allow something “fun” like that for you, and were ready to apologize before he “challenged” you to a swinging contest.

After that, the two of you began competing and swinging higher, just to see who could go farther than the other. You were smiling and eventually laughing as the two of you continually plummeted back and forth together. You hadn’t had fun like that since way before the accident. It felt…alien, yet comforting. Just the feeling of being free like that was helpful, and knowing that Gerard approved of your happiness made you feel a little more comfortable being around him now.

Near the end of your “race” though, Gerard challenged you to see who could jump farther off the swings. You had never done that before, having just been swinging the entire time and racing to the top. You didn’t know if jumping off the swings would be safe for you. But Gerard saw your reluctance and said “it’s fun, c’mon!”

Then he jumped off the swing and flew ten or so feet into the air, before he landed with a thud in the grass in front of you. The smile on his face, and the deep throaty laugh that emitted through his lips erased some of your worries on the subject. But you were still unsure if you would be able to do it.

“C’mon Ken! It’s fun, me and Mikey used to do it all the time.” he said, already beginning to get up and return to his swing.

What the hell? you thought, pushing back all of your worries and just going through with it.

You readied yourself and pushed yourself away from the swing just as you were feeling the forward pull. It really felt as if you were flying as you soared through the air. All the anxiety and anticipation building up, but finally being released as you felt nothing but air surrounding you. You closed your eyes, and wished to suddenly continue soaring through the air and float away into the sky. But “what goes up, must come down” and so you did. You felt yourself falling, but not very far as you landed with a thud in the grass and toppled over.

You didn’t even realize that you were laughing until you felt the rumbling deep in your chest.

With your head so close to the ground, you registered a little louder the other thud that happened shortly after yours. Your eyes were closed and you felt the soft vibration in the ground as you heard Gerard land next to you and begin laughing as well. When you opened your eyes, smiling and turning your head to face him, you spotted him laying on his back just as you were and turning his head to face you.

“I bet I can jump farther.” He challenged again.

The two of you turned ten years younger as you repeatedly ran back and jumped on the swings, before seeing who could swing higher, and jump from a higher distance to go farther, racing all the while. The first few times, you lost the simple rounds, just because you were still hesitant to jump, especially from a greater height. But after a while, you began to match his height and his distance, trying to push yourself farther during the challenge.

After a while though, the two of you became exhausted. On your last jumps, the two of you simply toppled over onto your backs and lay there, breathing heavily and staring up at the still darkening sky. With the energy trickling out of you, you felt as if you didn’t want to jump from the swings anymore, and instead, just wanted to sit and wait for the storm to come.

It was when you sat up abruptly that you felt Gerard’s hand lightly grasp your forearm. You turn back to him, puzzled as to why he did that.

“Will you wait for the rain with me?” he asked, pleading unnecessarily with his eyes.

That was when you felt an immediate blush color your cheeks. He laid flat on his back, resting his head back against the soft grass beneath. But his eyes stared down at you, a soft pleading flooding through them as he gripped lightly on your arm. You found yourself watching the way he pulled in the edges of his lips nervously with extreme interest. You stared at the way his chest heaved up and down underneath his jacket, and you studied the way his hair splayed out around his head in the form of a dark halo of sorts. You blushed and turned away, feeling ashamed for staring at him the way you were, eyes keen and mouth slightly agape. But you didn’t know what it was that made you look at him like that, so you just settled for keeping your head turned and nodding, causing him to remove his hand from your arm and sit up as well.

That was how the two of you ended back up on the swings, swaying lightly and neither of you speaking. You felt tired and a little worn out, even from the mild activity that the two of you had just endured. You suddenly felt a blush color your cheeks as you realized that what the two of you had been doing was utterly childish. It was stupid beyond all belief, yet…fun.

You liked the way it felt to finally be someone’s friend again. You liked the way it felt to open up and be free like that. You liked that feeling of nothing else mattering to you, and simply not giving a shit about the world around you. It wasn’t until you realized how many people that probably saw you that you felt all the embarrassment weigh down on your heart and make a deeper blush flood your face. What would they think?

But then, the simple fact that it wasn’t only you, but you and Gerard, made things seem less…shameful.

So here you sit, waiting for the rain when a sudden thought pops its way into your head.

“Gerard?” You nearly whisper, keeping your eyes closed and your head pressed against the chains of the swing. For some reason, you felt as if you needed to ask him this one question.

“Unh?” he mumbles back, sounding mildly interested as if he had just woken up.

You reconsidered whether or not to ask him. He was probably feeling at peace right now, and you pressing him with all these meaningless questions might get him upset. But you just felt as if you had to know this.

“Why-, why did you first sit by me?” you ask, looking down at your toes as they dangled so close to the ground, compared to Gerard sitting there, his entire foot pressed down into the dirt.

“What?” he asks, sounding a little confused.

“Why did you want to sit by me?” you ask again, turning away a little, blushing at the fact that you had to repeat yourself and make yourself acknowledge that you actually asked him that.

“Near the beginning of school?” he asks.

You don’t know if he’s looking at you, but all you do is nod.

He sighs, sounding frustrated. You turn to him, noticing the way he now sat up straighter in the swing and held onto the chains at his side, sort of hanging there. The look on his face was one of concentration and frustration. It was then that you regretted asking him that, fearing that you made him upset.

“Sorry.” You apologize immediately, growing silent after that. You hear him sigh again, sounding still upset.

You were sure you made him upset, and didn’t want him to be even mildly angry with you. You didn’t want to disappoint him in any way, making him feel as if he regretted being near you, or hanging around you. You felt hate towards yourself creeping up on you. You just ruined a perfectly good moment by speaking and saying something stupid. You remembered that that was the reason why you never spoke. Always fearing saying the wrong thing that would ruin everything and make everyone around you hate you. For that reason, you stayed silent. Now you wished you would have remembered that sooner before you asked that stupid question to Gerard.

You hear him sigh again, that silence otherwise making you regret even more ever opening your mouth. But you were just overwhelmed with the feeling and need to know the answer that you just had to ask. You hang your head and chew on your lip ring once again, pondering what you could possibly do just so that he would start speaking to you again.

You didn’t wait long though, as you heard his words escape nearly silent through his lips.

“It was my first day there, and I was just…”—he sighs again, thinking—“nervous.”

So he first sat by you because he didn’t know what he was doing…you knew it. You felt dejected as you sat there. You suddenly felt as if, with those words, your curiosity showed you that you were always just a simple mistake to everyone around you. Now he was stuck with you. You felt like just standing up and walking away, just so that he didn’t have to feel obligated with you anymore.

What would he gain from that though? What would you be to him then if you just walked off and never spoke to him or saw him again? What would you do to him?

He would just hate you.

You were sure that would be the case. He would be upset with you still, maybe even angry enough to hate you…but why?

Because he would have gotten nothing from it.

That must be the reason now why he even bothers with you. He must be waiting for something in return. He must just be biding his time, brooding over exactly what it is that he would want. He must not know yet. It must be something that he could use you for, or why else would he be keeping you around? He must be waiting until the idea strikes him. Whatever it is that you would be good for, but he doesn’t know yet. He’s just toting you along, until he gets whatever it is that he wants. Then you’re spent. Then you’re just another faint—and often regretted—memory.

You should have gotten angry. You should have stormed off after finally realizing that all he wants you for is to use you for something. You should have just left him there, and make him waste his time with someone else. You should have had that little shred of dignity left just so you could simply leave. But instead, you felt obligated to him.

You felt as if you had to stay. You felt as if you needed to stay until he’s done with you. You needed to repay him for wasting his time on a wretch like you. You couldn’t just leave him there; make another person in this world hate you. After all, he knew things about you now. Not a lot, but he did know where you lived. And that would be agonizing to you, to look out of your window, or step outside your door and be met with seething glares and harsh comments. All for what? Just because you didn’t give him what he wanted.

You felt close to him. Well…closer to him than anyone else you knew. He was definitely someone you could call a friend. Even if the feelings weren’t reciprocated. You didn’t want to know that another person in this world hated you. You would rather be left and forgotten on good terms, than be tormented and criticized because of bad ones. So, you would just do what he asks. Maybe then you could hold onto your feelings of “friendship” a little longer. You could probably even forget all of this and trick yourself into thinking that that was precisely what it was. All you had to do was be his silent, obedient little assistant that did whatever he wanted, just so you could try to make him a little less bored with you and think of you as something other than pitiful and utterly useless.

“Alright.” You say, residing yourself to simply waiting…waiting for him to speak to you again.

You stare at the ground, feeling just as pathetic and lonely as you did before, but trying to convince yourself that you weren’t. The thunder rumbles deeply through the sky, sending its vibrations rolling off the buildings and into your ears. You nearly smile, forgetting momentarily your previous feelings and simply basking in the announcement of the rain.

But the reason why you weren’t still waiting anxiously and happily for the rain comes back to you as Gerard coughs slightly, making you stop the creeping grin and instead stare blankly at the grass.

You spot several blades drop, jerk and sway as the heavy drops begin to fall onto their thin structures. You feel some of the droplets bead icily down the side of your face and suddenly feel like crying. You really didn’t have a reason to, but you suddenly felt as if that was just what you wanted to do. You just wanted to sit there and…cry.

But you remember that Gerard was here, and you didn’t want him to think you were anymore pathetic than he probably already thought you were. You glance up and see him sitting on the swings, face turned toward the sky with eyes closed. You notice his chest heaving once again, as if he was breathing in deeply the scents of the quickly starting storm. He opens his eyes and they fall on you, a small smile playing across his lips at you.

You return it, briefly. Then turn your head back to face forward and simply sit there. You feel all the drops pounding lightly onto your head and beading down your neck, but you don’t move. You knew that you wouldn’t move until he asked you to. But now, you didn’t even know if you could enjoy the rain anymore.