Care For Me Not, I'll Hurt You Too Much

What are you still doing here you idiot? You silently groan to yourself. You had been beating yourself up all night over what had happened, and now appeared to be no different.

You could feel your unspoken comment begin to take its toll on you though. It shot straight down into the pit of your stomach before then beginning to tie itself into various knots. Your chest felt tight and it became harder for you to breathe. You felt your heart throbbing within your chest. It felt as if some force inside of you were restricting the blood flow, causing you the discomfort that you now felt.

Every time that you even began to ponder your current situation, the nausea would return in a tidal wave and hit you full force. It also seemed to cause the invisible hand wrapped around your heart to tighten, making you feel sick. All the blood would then rush to your face, making you feel as if you were burning up and turning you a bright red in color. You hated all of this.

You’re an idiot. You curse again.

You stare blankly at a singular spot in the corner of the room, watching the blue tinted light as it was cast around the room in a dance of sorts. The black and white movie that had been playing across from you for the past half hour continued to play. You didn’t notice it at all and sat unmoving, curled into the corner of the couch trying to make yourself feel miserable.

You wonder why it is that you feel so comfortable sitting here. Normally you wouldn’t even be sitting still. You would be constantly on alert, jumping at every sound and scanning the room every fifteen seconds in search of any random attacker. You would have been hallucinating, constantly imagining that the shadows surrounding you were going to suddenly reveal clawed hands that were ready to tear your flesh apart.

Actually…you would have rather preferred that to happen. You would have preferred for all of that to happen, rather than having to sit here like everything was completely normal. It was all silent, calm, still.

Deep down though, you were still begging for something to wrong. That way you could regain at least some of the sense you had on the world around you. Nothing is supposed to be right for you. You aren’t meant to be this comfortable. You aren’t supposed to be this comfortable…especially here.

Ugh! Idiot! You curse at yourself once again, but feeling the tightening in your chest worsen only slightly.

The minimal achievement of discomfort however, only made you feel worse. It was upsetting to you that you couldn’t even make yourself feel horrible right; Because you needed that discomfort now. The comfort was the thing that was unnerving to you. You weren’t this comfortable before. Before you were sitting there shivering, feeling cold, feeling all alone in the world. You felt then as if everything was wrong, and the fact that you had no clue what it was frightened you. You didn’t know what was wrong, so you couldn’t make it right, and that just made you shake even worse. Your head was spinning, constantly throwing you off balance every time that you attempted to stand. The swirling of emotions that were parading through your stomach made you feel as if you were going to throw up at any moment.

But you liked those feelings. Those were all the feelings that you were used to. You expected them and waited for them to come. But now that you’re sitting here with nothing wrong and nothing fighting with you and making you feel as if any second you were going to vomit, you didn’t feel right.

You shiver lightly, pulling the thin blanket draped over your lap closer to your body. You readjust you head’s position on the armrest, thinking all the while Fuck up.

You should have just left. You grimace with disdain.

You sigh in frustration, closing your eyes with every intention of continuing to silently curse at yourself in the privacy of your own mind. All of which was for your previous actions. You feel this uncomfortable knot churning and writhing within the lowest pits of your stomach. You don’t like it being there, but you still feel as if you have to make yourself suffer in some way. You want anything but to feel comfortable.

Fucking stupid. Your mind begins to slip away, traveling back into your own memory of what happened only a few hours before.

You scrunch up your face, feeling the weight on the other end of the couch shift at your feet. This only caused you to remind yourself further of how fucking stupid you really acted, and exactly where you are. The tightness in your chest grows. You just want to ignore him at the moment, even if that means reliving your foolishness.

Why the fuck did you do it?

-
He stood, refilling his coffee mug once again as you sat idly at the kitchen table. The entire house was coated with a thick silence, but only in the spaces thatyou occupied did it ever feel uncomfortable.

He, of course, had tried to break the silence several times. He had offered you food, coffee, and other things of that nature, hoping that it would somehow coax some sort of response out of you. You, however, couldn’t seem to retain the ability to speak after what had just happened…especially not tohim. The shock and embarrassment was so much that it seemed to have sewn your mouth shut, even making it hard to breathe at times. Or maybe that was just your own nerves working against you yet again.

You tried to wrap your mind around the situation, trying to look at it in every possible way. But, you being you, ultimately failing and looking only at the worst aspects of it. You just couldn’t believe that you had actually allowed yourself to go so far out of line. You broke your very own boundaries and previously set rules. You were never supposed to allow anything like this to happen. You had never wanted it to.

Yet, here you sat, staring blankly at the plate of food placed down in front of you, wondering what the hell had just happened.

“Coffee?” he asks, trying again in vain to get some type of response from you. Instead, he just made you jump in shock.

You shook your head at him without really turning up to face him. You bit down on your lip and didn’t look anywhere else but at your plate. You didn’t want to be rude to him by denying the beverage, but you had a good reason to. It sort of smelt like tar and you didn’t want to taste both bloodand tar in your mouth. That would have been horrible, especially considering that you had been chewing on your lip nearly the whole night.

The meal his mother had prepared earlier was steaming idly before you. The scent of noodles swirled up into your nostrils. It smelled delicious. You felt so hungry, but the nerves you were suffering that made your stomach growl also made you feel as if as soon as you opened your mouth, everything inside of you would come tumbling out onto the table, which wasn’t much…guts wise anyway.

But you didn’t want to think about vomiting anyway. Just the mere thought of it might make it actually happen, and that was unpleasant. Instead, you tried to grasp at the concept of your most recent attack, thinking…Why’d you let him do it?

The thought was confusing nonetheless but it had been what you were thinking the entire time you sat there. You actually allowed him to see you at your weakest and most vulnerable moment. Those attacks you suffer were when everything in your world was coming down on you. That was when all the monsters and villains that plagued your life attacked you. That was the one time when you were supposed to be most cautious. You had never wantedanyone to witnessany one of them. Doing so would expose to them what wasreally wrong with you. You would have much rather remained hidden in your own bedroom, locked up or even lying unconscious on the floor of your living room.

But you weren’t careful. In your manic-state, you went tohis house….But why?

You had repeatedly told yourself before that this was thelast place you would ever go if you ever had another panic attack, especially now that Gerard was living here. Before it was so customary—and needed—that during any one of your panicked episodes you travel over toher house, just to try and wait it out, or calm yourself. But now that she was no longer here, and now that Gerard’s presence overran this house, you told yourself that you would never cross this threshold for solace again.

But still, something, some…unknown force had to pull you here, promising you safety and comfort from the torment of your mind. It pulled to you still, even though you knew full and well that she wasn’t here for you anymore. The haven’s call was still so strong…and you hated it.

After everything that you were telling yourself about this place, you still managed to run over at the first sign of trauma. You were able to break your own will so quickly and completely. But with that you only seemed to show yourself how easily your will could be broken by anyone else that tried.

But then you reminded yourself:Others already have tried…and succeeded.

You glanced up across the table at Gerard, quickly seeing that he was still staring at you, seemingly with no regard to your comfort. He was just sitting there…staring. It made you uneasy.

You looked back down at your plate and felt your face instantly heat up.Why does he just have to stare like that? Your eyes suddenly began to water.What the hell is wrong with you now? You thought.Why the fuck are you crying?

You had no reason to cry. You had no right. Nothing was picking on you or bothering you. It was just Gerard, and he was just looking at you innocently after all. That was it. There was no need for the tears that slowly began to pool at the corners of your eyes to be there. It wasn’t like he was forcing you to be there. It wasn’t like he was trying to make you stay. He wasn’t doing anything to you.But he was still making it harder for you to leave here. You thought to yourself, trying not to make it so that he would be able to see your tears from behind your hair.But why? You asked yourself.

Why did it seem so hard for you to just get up and walk out of the door right then? You already knew what he thought of you. You knew what he was probably thinking of you right then too. You knew that he thought that you were crazy. After all, everyone else did, and they showed you too. You were the person that no one talked to. You were the one person that no one cared about, and the one that everyone avoided. You weren’t needed in society anymore. Everyone already ostracized you enough for you to turn invisible. They all left you alone, and he was one of them. Why couldn’t you just get up and walk out on him after all that? Was it because he hadn’t left you yet? Was it because it seemed like he couldn’t walk out either? Why did it seem so fucking hard forhim to leave you alone? Why was it so fucking difficult for him to just up and leave you like everyone else?

Why didn’t youwant him to anymore?

You hated thinking that you might actually need him. You hated thinking that you might actually want him around. Sure it was what you wanted all along…but to actuallyfeel it? Were you actually so pathetic that you needed to socially haunt him and ruin any chance he had at being any type of normal teenager? You hated it that you went over there so quickly that it seemed almost natural for you to do so. You hated wanting to stay, and wanting to receive that comfort and compassion fromhim.

Don’t let him see your tears. You reminded yourself, closing your eyes and forcing back the tears, attempting to remind yourself of your situation. You took a shuddering breath.Don’t make him think you’re even weaker than you appear. Be strong. You gave yourself a pep talk, pretending that it was someone else telling you everything. You wanted it to be someone else though. You wanted someone else to try and uplift your spirits and make you see something good in all of this. You didn’t want to be so alone right now. So you pretended. You pretended that someone else was trying to make you feel something other than self-hate and anguish. Youwanted it to be someone else so badly. But when you opened your eyes, all you could see was your plate staring back at you with invisible, incriminating eyes.

And all you felt was hunger.

It wasn’t long after that that you had finished your plate and settled your stomach. Halfway through your meal, Gerard had gotten up and put down a cup of juice in front of you, saying “here you go” and giving you a warm smile that you tried to ignore. You just didn’t say anything to him. You didn’t want anything embarrassing, like your voice cracking and exposing your agony, to happen. You didn’t think that you could’ve handled something like it if that happened then.

“I’ll get it.” His voice suddenly rang out as he appeared next to you, grabbing your plate from in front of you.

You were ready to protest and tell him that you could have done it yourself, but you suddenly realized how tired and worn you felt just sitting in your seat. You figured that it was partly because of your stomach feeling full, but you still wondered why you felt extremely drained and sluggish.

You stared down at the tile and sat watching his feet as he lingered at the sink for a bit longer. He seemed to be glancing out the window over to the house next door…your house next door. It was then that you again began to register the sound of the wind still tearing up the silence outside. You could hear a branch scraping against a window pane, knocking and tapping at it with every gust that blew through its limbs. The wind seemed to have grown more violent, and you felt a chill return to your bones as gooseflesh appeared on your forearms once again.

“Woah.” You could register his voice through the thin haze that had crept into your senses.Just don’t go outside. You attempted to suppress a shudder.

“It’s pretty bad out there.” You heard him say distantly, still staring blankly at the tiles beneath your feet, trying to fight off the recurring thoughts of what was in the wind.

You felt a chill run down your spine just as the wind picked up and sent a whistle loudly around the house.Stop. You beg silently, closing your eyes and trying to stop the sounds and the thoughts from penetrating your mind.Please.

“You should probably start heading bac-,”

“No!” You hadn’t expected that. You cut him off, finally turning up your head to look at him. Your sudden outburst made him turn around quickly to face you, startled.

“What’s wrong?” He asked hesitantly, looking at you and appearing slightly scared.

You just shook your head, immediately closing your eyes again and placing it in your palms. You couldn’t stop shaking it “no” while trying to take deep breaths. You felt your heart rate increasing rapidly again as another shudder stole through your body.Not again.

You felt dizzy and lightheaded. Already a dull throb appeared at the bridge of your nose, making everything in your head pulse uncomfortably. You felt yourself begin to sway back and forth in your chair, still trying to take the deepest breaths possible. You felt your body grow suddenly hot, instantly bringing up feelings of nausea as colors soon began to swirl around behind your closed eyes and a sweat broke out in your palms. You shook your head again, hoping to rid yourself of the dizziness that had onset since the howls began to grow louder and louder around you.Please just stop! You begged yourself, slowly digging your nails into your scalp, trying to find a distraction in the pain. You were desperately trying to find a way to make the ever increasing sounds of screaming go away. You could practically hear it all around you again as they morphed and faded into things of a more sinister nature. You didn’t want to think about it, but the piercing howls still managed to reach your ears. You didn’t want to hear anymore of the crying again. That’s what had gotten you there in the first place…the fear. You shuddered again, this time feeling as if you were going to hurl.Stop it! You screamed at yourself inside your head, trying in vain to suppress the shudders that began to rack through your body as a hot tear slipped down your cheek.Just make it go away. The howling seemed to have grown louder as you gently swayed in your seat. The fact that you had your ears covered by your palms didn’t seem to help as a shriek tore its way through the muted house. You shook your head, feeling an icy chill trickle down the back of your neck, even though you felt as if you were burning in your skin.Help. You beg, taking another deep breath, trying to keep the menacing sound from reaching your ears through the walls.

It didn’t work.

“Stop.” You whispered pathetically to yourself.

Another tear ran a hot trail down your face as you sat mouthing the one word over and over into your lap, a dull beat settling into your head as your heart raced ahead without you. You heard the tree branch snap once again into the window outside. You jumped, then shivered.

“What?” You heard Gerard say, confused. He sounded closer than before.

You didn’t know what to do. You didn’t know what to say. You only knew that you wanted just to stop the screaming penetrating your ears. Nothing else seemed to matter….

“C-can I stay?”

He simply nodded his head.

-
You close your eyes, sighing frustratedly and mouthing the words “fucking stupid” to yourself. You felt sick again, but only with yourself.

You’re such an idiot. You reiterate.

You feel your cheeks flare quickly with heat before it dissipates just as fast. Pulling in your bottom lip, you chew on it, forcing your eyes shut tighter and continuing to ignore the television whispering rehearsed lines into your ear. You still felt sick, and didn’t want to open your eyes for the rest of forever. It felt as if the only thing that action would do is reveal to you, once again, where you are, immediately reminding you again of how fucking stupid you acted.

“Can I stay?” You fight off the urge to slam your head against the armrest repeatedly as the words get stuck on Repeat inside your head.

Why the hell did you do it?

You know very well that you shouldn’t have done asked that. You know with every fiber of your being that you should have just sucked it all up and ran right out the door. But still, you didn’t. You actually asked him to fucking stay!

Stupid.

That uncomfortable knot in your stomach swirls around even more, leading you to believe that there might actually be a fish living in your gut. But the only thing you do is chew harder on your lip.

You hate it how weak you’re acting. You can feel that ugly feeling of remorse floating up to your chest again, tightening it by you just lamenting on how pathetic you are. Why did you have to believe somewhere inside you, that someone actually cares about you? You don’t want to believe that you’re actually thinking anyone is starting to care for you again. It’s a completely stupid thought and practically a death sentence for the persons involved. But still, you’re thinking it. And what makes it even worse is that you’re starting to convince yourself that He might actually be the one to care about you. It physically sickens you.

Idiot…disgusting idiot.

Because before, before it was too…painful. Everything was. It was too much for you to know that you were loved by someone. It was too much to feel that overwhelming sense of joy every time you saw them and they actually smiled at you. It hurt too much to be loved like that. And it hurt all the more after they left you.

You had felt truly needed and loved in life. You felt understood and appreciated. You felt…happy. However briefly you felt it, you were happy. But now…now you just feel this awful sickening swirl in your gut, and this disgusting smell in your nostrils that raises a bile from deep in your throat. And to think…if anyone ever missed you if you left.

You didn’t like any of it. You didn’t like thinking that someone might actually love you the way you need. You don’t want it…any of it…not any more. You caused too much pain in the past. You don’t want to cause anyone any more pain than you already have. You don’t want to think about how much they would worry over you, especially a useless pile of bones and blood like you. There was always something that happens to them in the end if they cared about you anyway. You just…didn’t want anything to happen to Gerard because of that…because of you. You just want to be left alone.

Then why are you still here you idiot? You remind yourself, never being polite.

You thought about it…answers immediately springing up in your mind. Stupidity? Confusion? Anguish?...Fear?

But fear of what? You think, trying to bring up all the possible conclusions that you could. Each answer that you have yet to draw up though, you’re scared of, and you don’t like it…

Then, a soft humming stirs you awake.

Truthfully, you hadn’t even known that you were sleeping. You only felt this sudden pull back to your senses at the faint noise that could barely reach your ears.

This thing was so light, and soft that you’re surprised that you had even heard it in the first place. You could feel the weight of your eyelids, so you didn’t even try and open them. They were fine where they were anyway. But you could feel this lethargy still overtaking your senses, making it hard for you to try and concentrate on the sound. You felt so tired, yet still curious.

It was a tune….

Someone was humming a tune.

A soft melody managed to reach your ears. You wondered where it was coming from, considering that it sounded louder than even the television playing in near mute across the room. The tones were nearly as quiet as a whisper, causing you to strain you ears for the sound while fighting off the sleep that threatened to overtake.

But who was humming it? You wondered through the haze in your mind.

The weight shifted at your feet again, bringing you to consciousness just enough for you to remember where you were.

It was Gerard.

You knew it now. You were positive in fact. The tune was foreign, but the vocals producing it weren’t. You registered, through a daze, the throaty droll he always managed to produce on certain words, coming in through the tune now floating listlessly into your ears. It was…soft, sweet almost, as it ceased all other thoughts, but the minimal concentration on this melody. It was calming in a way. The fact that you could no longer remember what you were thinking was reassuring you into slumber. This tune was…lulling you back into sleep…ever so gently.

You became deaf to the rest of the world, as the blackness overtook your mind once again. You felt yourself floating, as if drifting into the heavens, called by the angels humming in your ear.