Care For Me Not, I'll Hurt You Too Much

The class seemed to drag on forever as you took notes on your paper, completely bored with yourself. You didn’t look up at him, for fear of seeing his questioning gaze again. You rest your head against your palm. The teacher began to read aloud the text you were supposed to read the night before, simply for Gerard’s benefit. The nasally voice fills the air, causing your eyelids to droop. It was just too warm to be autumn, but your sweater offers protection and you wouldn’t dare take it off. You give up trying to follow along in your book. Most of the class were already staring blankly in various directions.

You notice that one girl though. You found out her name was Sarah last week, the one with the curly dark brown hair and heart shaped face. You notice that she is turned slightly in her seat, facing your table. She’s staring back…at you? Blush immediately colors your cheeks until you notice the glassy look in her eyes is pointed in your general direction, but not at you. Then you remember Gerard sitting beside you. You’re sure your cheeks are completely scarlet now as you once again lay your head on you arm, attempting to burry your face in the crook of your elbow.

Stop blushing, of course she wasn’t going to notice you idiot. You repeatedly tell yourself this just to get the color to drain. The heat in your ears eventually subsides, but the warmth made your eyelids feel heavy and you know that Perkins is going to continue reading until the chapter is finished. Knowing that you won’t have to take anymore notes from the overhead projector, you allow yourself a nap.

-
You jerk suddenly awake, sliding your chair back far from the table where your head was resting a while ago. Someone apparently attempted to wake you up, this thought alone bringing color to your cheeks. Someone had noticed you fell asleep and was compelled to get you up again. By the time you look up, half the class is staring at you, shock filling their faces. The other half is still looking forward as if nothing happened. You see Perkins turn around briefly at the sudden noise. He had apparently been writing on the chalkboard your homework.

Shit, how long ago had he stopped reading?

Some of the class is still looking back. Suddenly you notice all the eyes on you, and you move your glance downward. Autopilot time. When you’re like this, everyone leaves you alone. You sit silently, hoping no one notices the blush in your cheeks for the millionth time today. You’ve gotten more attention today than you would have normally gotten in a month.

The thought of who woke you brings you back as you silently shift your seat forward, switching off autopilot for the time being. You look up again hesitantly, still feeling a million people looking. When you do though, no one is. You let out a sigh, but notice Gerard glancing awkwardly at you repeatedly. You catch his gaze one more time, both of you immediately looking away as another blush attacks your face. God, please just stop it!

You take down the homework—another chapter to read—just to avoid having to look at him. He must have been the one to wake you up. The light sting in your right arm tells you that he must have tried poking you or just touching you slightly. What he didn’t know is that a fresh and very sensitive bruise had worked its way under his touch. It still felt tender as you attempted to covertly rub it. You catch him watching you and give him a small reproachful look for the slight pain now in your arm. You immediately feel bad as you see the regret in his eyes. All expression drains from your face as he glances around quickly. He looks back up at you. He smiles feebly in apology and mouths the word ‘Sorry’ to you.

You glance down and back up at him quickly. Hoping he sees the forgiveness now in your eyes. He must have because then he gives you another weak smile before you turn away and back to your notebook. You feel like smiling, but your face can’t produce one. You feel like if you show the slightest hint of emotion, cameras are going to come on and bells are going to start ringing. You suppress the urge and shrug lightly instead.

You copy the notes that were put into the projector into you notebook. All the while, you see Sarah stealing glances back at Gerard. You know its Gerard because every time you catch her and attempt to meet her gaze, she doesn’t even notice you staring. She simply has a smirk plastered on her face every time you see her.

The bell rings loudly, signaling the end of class time. Apparently you had been asleep longer than you thought. You quickly close your books and shove them back into your bag. When you stand, Gerard follows your lead. He smiles at you, causing you to freeze slightly.

“So, where do we go now?”

‘We?’ You feel like criticizing him for his careless use of the word ‘we’. He must have thought that since he was forced to shadow you today, you would be together all the time. The look on his face told you that he was intending to follow you.

But before you had the chance to say anything you spot Sarah walking briskly up to you. Blush.

She doesn’t even look at you as she stares up at Gerard. Something else in her eyes tells you this is something she’s been thinking about. The way she coolly walks up and lightly tosses the hair away from her face tells you that she was definitely planning this before she came up.

“Hello, my name’s Sarah Carter. You must be the new student.” She smiles at him and holds out her hand.

You back away, the sudden attention your area is getting from her friends crowded in the corner whispering and staring is too much right now. Gerard glances quickly at you before smiling warmly yet nervously and shaking her outstretched hand.

“Yeah, I’m Gerard…uh…Gerard Way.”

It’s then that you realize the intentions of the conversation now taking place in front of you. She intends to take him away from the silent distraction and whisk him off to the land of the living. She smiles warmly at him and giggles. It annoys you suddenly. He just told you his name.

“Well welcome to our school Gerard Way.” She’s obviously flirting now as Gerard shoots nervous glances back at you while still smiling at Sarah.

You get the nervous feeling that you’re not wanted anymore, but still you don’t move. You look down at the floor as she continues without a reply from Gerard.

“Where do you go next? Maybe I could escort you.” She offers while suppressing a giggle.

Suddenly and involuntarily you look up at Gerard. He’s now glancing back and forth between you and Sarah.

“Uh…I think I have…uh…Chemistry?” He looks at you for confirmation. You nod your head dumbly.

Sarah finally decides to look at you, but it’s quickly. You spot her and see the mild look of disgust and disinterest that she’s shooting you behind a weak smile. You must be a magnet for weak smiles and nervous glances.

It was quick (the look of disgust) but she instantly recovered when she saw Gerard look back at her. He must not have seen it because he smiled at her. This instantly sends a stabbing feeling to your gut. Was there actually hope there? Well this got rid of it quick enough.

“Chemistry? Well I have that class too. It’s quite a ways away, I’ll walk you.” She says to him, once again giggling and flipping her hair back.

He glances back at you nervously again as you look down. You don’t have that class, you take it later on in the day. You have Environmental Science now so you would be in the other direction, on the other side of the school actually. The stabbing feeling happens again in the pit of your stomach. You hope its just hunger.

“I think Kendall…uh, was supposed to…um.” You can hear him stammering as Sarah giggles once again.

“Silly, Kendall doesn’t have that class.” You look up suddenly as she smiles at Gerard. She knows?

He glances at you for confirmation. You nod your head and look back down, blushing again.

“Alright, I guess.” He mumbles.

“Let’s go then!” She glides off to the door happily. Most of the class has already left so it was just you and Gerard standing in the back. Sensing approaching awkwardness, you shuffle quickly to the door. You stop when you spot Sarah pouting playfully at the door back at Gerard, who followed behind you closely.

“Well we can’t wait all day.” Her giggles begin to annoy you as you still stand dumbly in between them.

You shove your way past her. She was blocking the door way, but you had no choice. She didn’t even look at you when you did. It was as if nothing had ever happened. You turn around when she doesn’t move. You still have no idea why you were still standing here. It was like you were waiting for him still even though he wasn’t coming with you.

You watch as she reaches forward and wraps her hand around his elbow, nearly dragging him out of the class room. She forces him to stand beside her as he smiles at her.

And so it begins. You tell yourself. His transformation has started. He should be fully aware of how out of place you are here by next period. She seems like the type to never shut up once you get her going. You suppose that when you first saw her, you decided you liked her because of her looks alone. Her personality is quickly becoming something that you’re starting to not like.

Before you look away, as she’s tugging him in the opposite direction down the hallway, you see him turn back to you. The look he gives you over his shoulder confuses you…is that disappointment or regret? You can’t be too sure, no one has ever given you those looks except for your father and he often mixes them together while giving you one or the other.

She takes him away down the hallway. He was looking at you to see if she was lying about you not being in the same class as them. This confused you. Why would he care? Why should he care? You lower your head and walk across the school to your next class, alone as always. Except now you feel upset and disappointed. All other times you were content with you loneliness, but now it just feels wrong.