Care For Me Not, I'll Hurt You Too Much

For the next two classes, you acted like you normally do. No one stared at you as you walked in. No one kept on looking over at your table. No one made you nervous by coming up and talking to you or anyone around you. It was normal. You spaced out and went on autopilot for a while, taking notes and sketching doodles in the margins of your notebooks.

In fact the only time you blushed was when your teacher called out your name during class and some of the curious students turned to see if you were still alive. After spotting you, they turned back quickly, and that was it. There was no extra attention. Everything was fine.

It wasn’t until nearly the end of class that you remembered Gerard. He was supposed to follow you around after this class. You had the next class together, then lunch. You couldn’t wait, because then you’d finally be left alone in your back corner of the cafeteria. He seemed nice enough though. He didn’t try to pry or make you talk too much like all the other people Michaels thrust on you. He seemed like he was just as nervous as you were, except he had a reason to be.

The bell rang and you started down the hallway, back to the other side of the school to your algebra class. You hated having to walk so much in school. You did enough of that outside, having had to live 16 blocks away from school in one of the most desolate parts of this New Jersey suburb.

You had no neighbors there. The nearest house was so far away, they must not even know that someone lives there. It’s the only housing area in that part of town too. Surrounded by empty lots and houses, and basketball courts whose occupants stopped playing there years ago. The last neighbor that you had was your cousin and her parents. You brush that memory away. You don’t want to think about that now. You were almost to class anyway.

Gerard hadn’t entered your thoughts since you barely remembered him back in class, but now he came back into your mind when you saw him sitting at a table near the door with Sarah. He was surrounded by some of your other class mates, boys and girls that usually followed Sarah around the school. He looked completely out of place there, but maybe it was just his clothes. The dark colors he was wearing clashed completely with the bright primary hues of the other’s sweaters and polo shirts.

You suddenly stopped. You don’t know why you did, but you stopped when you walked in. A sinking feeling swarmed through your stomach. Dammit, you were hoping again and you didn’t even know it. Some people looked up at you briefly because you stopped, they wouldn’t have noticed you if you just kept on walking. The thing that made you stop was, he was smiling and laughing along. That causes the sinking feeling to return as your cheeks heat up and your face flashes a bright red. The people that looked up before turn back around, dismissing you, but he looked up just at that moment.

There was humor in his eyes, and now there was hurt flooding around in your stomach. You look away quickly and walk as fast as you can to the back of the room where your lonely table sat with only one seat. It was meant for only one occupant even though there was space enough for five. You keep your eyes down the entire time as you pull out your chair. A lump occurs in your throat…but why?

Because they were talking about you and you know it. You tell yourself.

You can only imagine what type of things they were telling him. Lies. Lies that you would never be able to correct because you would never get the chance. He obviously was having a nice laugh with them about how you act, and how you dress, why shouldn’t he also have a laugh about the type of person they see you as. You swallow down the lump hard as the bell rings. Mr. Johnson doesn’t care, so you pull your hood over your head to block out all other tables, but you can still slightly see him sitting there—among the living.

-
For the next fifty-five minutes, you could hear the snickering and giggling continuing in pure silence. You swear you could repeatedly see him glancing over at you out of the corner of your eye, but you never look up. You don’t want to see the humor and disgust in his hazel eyes that you saw in everyone else’s every time you caught their gaze.

It took all that you could to just concentrate on the lesson for the first half hour, so after fighting with yourself all that time and not copying down the notes that were being posted, you gave up. You switched on autopilot. You shut down your brain and allowed yourself to commit your daily routine of copying notes and staring blankly at the board. It helped. You didn’t have to think about anything then. You no longer heard the snickers and the giggles, and you no longer saw the glances the table next to you was shooting you every now and then.

Class was over in no time after that.

When the bell rang, you decided to finally come back and allow yourself to wander into the lunch room consciously. You gathered your books and shoved them into your bag, taking your time like you always do. You wouldn’t want to be the first one in the cafeteria, so you slowly close your notebook.

“You coming Gerard?” Sarah’s voice is oddly close.

Curiosity gets the better of you and you quickly glance up. Gerard was smiling back over his shoulder at Sarah as she stood near the door way, but he was facing and really close to your table. It looked as if he was walking up to your table, but stopped when Sarah called back to him. Before he turned his face back to you, you quickly look down again.

“Uh…” he stalls. He must be considering letting you know he’s abandoning you now as you can see him shift his weight between his feet.

Just go, I’ve been left without notice or a goodbye before. Don’t trouble yourself. You speak to him in your head as you see him take a tentative step forward.

You make a small show of writing something extra down in your notebook, not looking up or around. You pretend you don’t notice him as you hear him sigh, but you panic slightly as he takes another step forward.

Don’t trouble yourself and just walk away…like all the others.

You pretend you say it aloud then you close your notebook and turn away from him, putting the rest of your books neatly into your bag.

“Uh he-“ he’s cut off by Sarah as she walks up to him. You can only see this happening because you can see their feet underneath the table. Her highly polished shoes walk briskly up beside him, rather close.

“Come on Gerard, we’re going to be late for lunch.” She stands briefly.

In your minds eye, you see them sharing amused looks with one another as his bright hazel eyes shine with humor at your torment. You can see her dragging him away and that’s when you finally decide to look up. He’s being pulled out by the elbow by a flustered looking Sarah.

Late for lunch. What a dunce. You smirk inside your head. She must be one of the important people that have to be there early to pick the best table.

You sling your bag over your shoulder and walk out of the class room. You keep your head down and your hood up all the way down the hallway. Horror strikes through you as you see a familiar pair of shoes walking out of the bathroom as you walk past. Not breaking stride you continue to walk with your head down. Every now and then you see that same shoe peaking its way into your peripheral vision. Is he following you?

You walk quickly down the hallway and stop at your never been used locker. You remember you wrote a note to yourself during freshman year, right before you completely stopped using it. Using this as a cover, you walk up and spin the dial. The locks were so inadequate at keeping privacy here, they require three simple numbers. Yours was the easiest of all. 1, 2, 3

That should really keep out the jocks and curious bystanders that decide to raid your locker for blackmail or embarrassment. You spin the dial and open it, immediately burying your face inside, but you look down. The shoes stop on the other side of the door, linger, and then vanish.

You can’t help the sigh of relief that escapes your lips as you actually look into the filthy locker that was made yours. Standing on your toes, you peer into the shelf at the top. A small piece of paper folded neatly sits in the back corner. You reach awkwardly into the shelf. You were too short to actually reach in so you have to stand on your toes and stretch your arm. You must have thought you would have grown taller in the years you’d be here. Does two centimeters count?

Unfolding the paper, you see a quickly scribbled note that you remember writing against the door frame of the locker.

A new Hell hath begun. Simple. True.

Sighing you shove the paper in your bag again. Now that you read it and removed it, there’s no need for you to ever come back. It was supposed to be a graduation present to yourself, but now that you already read it before graduation, it seems as if you’re going to be receiving nothing…even from yourself.

You close your locker and stand there. The hallways only have a few wanderers in it. You figure you should get to the cafeteria now so that you won’t be the last person getting their food. Everyone always stares at the last person getting their food, no matter who they are…even you.

You walk toward the cafeteria, but are startled slightly when you see him standing there. He was waiting for you. You decide to pretend not to notice, but covertly take the other door into the cafeteria among a group of people. Even though all of them are still surrounging you, they’re careful not to touch you. He doesn’t see you until you’re inside and beginning to get in line.

Why doesn’t he just leave you alone already?