Lost My Way, Lost the Light

The walk home? I don't remember it. I don't care to. It carries no importance, after all. Nothing does. Absolutely incredibly nothing.

Sitting on my lawn again, I take deep breaths of air. It's like if I take enough, I'll explode. Or at least disappear- to everyone, including myself. It's all I want to do. After all, the world disappeared on me years ago. Why can't I have just... gone with it, and disappeared? It would be so much easier. It would make things easier on everyone, too.

"Sweetie, are you coming back in?" Mother calls.

I shake my head mutely, not caring to be bothered.

"We need to talk you," she calls.

I shake my head again. I don't want to be bothered. I want to be alone. I just... I want to shrivel up and die. I hear mother walk off, the front door screen closing into silence. I never wish to die, but sometimes I wish I were never born. I remember reading that in a book once, when I was little. I couldn't understand it in the least, it had made no sense. But now? Now, it makes perfect sense.

Thoughts wander, at last, back to this afternoon. I snapped, I told the truth, and I left. Bad tact, I'm sure, but it doesn't matter. He won't bother me again, I'm sure. I'm not community service, after all. I don't need help, I don't need anything.

Plus, upon hearing it, people usually just leave. I can always imagine their faces of horror, pity. It disgusts me, though. It make me want to shrink in a hole or something, like it's my fault- but it's not. I had nothing to do with it. It's all people see on me.

I feel the sun setting, and I feel my dog at my feet. The quiet wind passes through my hair as my eyes close, pretending I can still see if I wanted to open them. The stars are coming out, I know, and an owl hoots off in the distance.

It's the same as any night. Dark, starry, owls, cool grass, being alone... but it feels different, I realize soon. Frowning, I lie down and try to figure it out, my fingers fiddling on my stomach. It takes a long time as I muse over my thoughts again, and my surroundings, trying to find out what it could be.

And finally, I do.

I'm not just alone tonight, but... I'm lonely.