In-Jokes A-Z
C is for Comb
“So… do we have prac or theory?” Rachel asked, although she was already flicking her diary open to check, and ended up answering herself as well. “Prac.”
“I told you!” Alex exclaimed, exasperated. “Now hurry up and get your stuff, I’ve already got mine.”
Rachel stuck her tongue out at her ‘best friend’ and proceeded to turn the dials to intrude her locker. 8…1…5… Not a special number, or date, or month… not at all! She tugged at her PE bag until it came crashing onto the wooden planks of the Demountables, followed by a cascading fountain of textbooks, folders, pencil shavings, lunchboxes and a banana peel.
Lovely.
“ARRGHH!!’ Rachel yelled, kicking at her bags and attempting to shove everything back into her locker at once. Obviously, attempts of something as rash as attempting to shove textbooks, folders, pencil shavings, lunchboxes and a blackened banana peel into a wooden, 3-leveled locker was quite an imaginable feat to complete.
“You seem ticked off,” came Alex’s American drawl. “What happened this time?”
Rachel didn’t seem to respond at first and continued sheepdog-ing her belongings back into the compartments. It was after a couple of minutes before the door was (just about) shut and the lock in place (and straining to not break under the pressure of the door that was been forced open by inner beings), and Rachel was red-faced, slumped against another locker when she opened her mouth to speak.
“I had a fight with Will,” she mumbled, getting up with her PE bag.
“Oh dear!” Alex exclaimed, rushing up to her friend and holding the pale hands than belonged to the ABC girl. “Whatever in the world happened? You must tell me at once! You must be feeling oh-so wretched inside, are you not? Oh my dear friend, what can I possibly to do relieve you from such turmoil?”
“Oh…” Rachel sobbed, the hand that was free of Alex’s tender clutches wiping tears daintily off her eyes, “my dear Alex. I feel oh-very wretched indeed, how can such a terrible ordeal happen? I am so glad I have you even when my gentleman is no longer gentle. You have lifted my moods just by accompanying me in my fragile life.”
“My poor, wounded, wronged Rachel!” Alex cried, stroking her friend’s hand to comfort her to the greatest state possible….
“Again?” Alex snorted.
“Yes… Alex…” Rachel muttered, returning the accent, “Ah-gian.”
Alex chortled, “What is it about this time?”
Rachel blushed. “Uhh… nothing..?” She tried on a smile.
Alex rolled her eyes, “whatever, lets go.”
All the way down to the gym, Rachel was unusually silent, and Alex was unusually grim. However, when they arrived, there was no sign of their teacher, and all their classmates were just sitting around in their school uniform.
“I think it’s theory,” Rachel grinned.
“Where’s Mrs. Hamley?” Alex moaned, climbing up the spectator stand and dumping her bag down.
“Who cares?” Rachel cheered, following her friend and dragging them into a corner. “FREE TIME!”
“Heh, free time my arse,” Alex muttered, pulling out her laptop and plugging it into the wall. “Not for you at least. Spit it out. The argument.”
Rachel flushed, “it’s like… one of those normal ones! Like… the ones when we don’t even know who started it and what starte-”
“Cut the crap,” Alex frowned, “tell me!”
“He’s-worried-about-me-getting-hurt-from-doing-something-I’m-not-meant-to-be-doing,” Rachel babbled.
“OooOoOooooh,” Alex grinned, “wazzat?”
“Nothing,” Rachel squeaked, going even redder than before.
“C’mon,” Alex grinned, “I can figure out that red, flushing, I’m-not-gonna-tell-you, there’s-something-more-than-this face from anywhere.”
“You’re going to really think I’m weird though.”
“Honey,” Alex sighed, “I already do.”
“Gee…thanks” Rachel muttered, looking away. But Alex swivelled her around again and demanded to know what caused the argument this time round.
“It’s really weird, and you’ll probably never think of me the same way. Ever again,” Rachel mumbled, trying to avoid Alex’s eye.
“Ha,” Alex laughed, “you can’t corrupt me more than you already have, Rach.”
“Okay-okay…” Rachel said, and took a deep breath.
“You know… wanking? Masturbating?” she began.
“Uh-huh,” Alex nodded, looking blissfully ignorant.
“You know the… female version?”
Uh-h…huh?” the blonde’s expression changed mid-way, “there’s a female version of masturbating?!”
“Shut up!!” Rachel insisted, making huge hand movements as her naïve little friend screamed a word you probably shouldn’t be discussing in front of a load of teenagers. Alex repeated the question in the utmost unbelief.
“I heard you the first time!” Rachel barked, pushing herself into a corner, and screaming when she realised she just mushed against a spider-web. “Yes! Yes! There’s a female version.”
“What? Where…? HOW?” Alex half-shouted.
“Ah… the ignorance is bliss,” Rachel sighed, gingerly pulling strands of web out of her hair. “Guys wank to stimulate what they’ll get during sexual intercourse. What’d you think girls do?”
Alex’s face went from eager-to-know to eager-to-forget.
“You… put things… up… your…”
“Yes…” Rachel frowned, “get over it.”
“Oh… kay…” Alex squirmed, “what’s that got to do with your argument? Or did you just say that just to ruin my innocence?”
“Will thinks I’m using the wrong tool.”
Alex’s face began to contort.
“He thinks it’s starting to hurt me… wounds and everything. I recently just had a pus discharge, and he thinks it’s because the thing I’m using is making wounds inside.”
Alex’s face began its next stage of mutation.
“He’s stopped me from using it a couple of days ago, but I used it last night, and decided to be truthful and tell him that I did. He went mad at me.”
Alex’s face was beyond recognition.
“He can’t do anything about it, I’m 4111miles away.”
Silence.
It was only then that the pair realised the whole class had disappeared to a different, unknown classroom.
“Let’s just ditch,” Rachel said quickly.
“What’d… what’d you use?” Alex mumbled.
“Oh…Uh… you know…”
“No,” Alex whined, “surely the… stuff designed for that purpose won’t cause wounds…”
“Oh… uh… nothing…”
“What did you use, Rachel? What’re you using?”
“A… A comb…”
Alex was silent for a few breath-taking seconds before she burst out laughing.
“A COMB!” she hollered, her breath coming in rags as she gasps for air for her short bursts of chuckles. “A HAIRBRUSH!”
Rachel hung her head in mock shame, her dark hair covering the face so Alex wouldn’t see her grin.
“You, Rachel, are a desperate child,” Alex squawked, getting unsteadily to her feet and picking up her bag.
“Oh shush you,” Rachel laughed, pulling back her hair to reveal her smiling face. “Let’s find where we’re meant to be.”
“I told you!” Alex exclaimed, exasperated. “Now hurry up and get your stuff, I’ve already got mine.”
Rachel stuck her tongue out at her ‘best friend’ and proceeded to turn the dials to intrude her locker. 8…1…5… Not a special number, or date, or month… not at all! She tugged at her PE bag until it came crashing onto the wooden planks of the Demountables, followed by a cascading fountain of textbooks, folders, pencil shavings, lunchboxes and a banana peel.
Lovely.
“ARRGHH!!’ Rachel yelled, kicking at her bags and attempting to shove everything back into her locker at once. Obviously, attempts of something as rash as attempting to shove textbooks, folders, pencil shavings, lunchboxes and a blackened banana peel into a wooden, 3-leveled locker was quite an imaginable feat to complete.
“You seem ticked off,” came Alex’s American drawl. “What happened this time?”
Rachel didn’t seem to respond at first and continued sheepdog-ing her belongings back into the compartments. It was after a couple of minutes before the door was (just about) shut and the lock in place (and straining to not break under the pressure of the door that was been forced open by inner beings), and Rachel was red-faced, slumped against another locker when she opened her mouth to speak.
“I had a fight with Will,” she mumbled, getting up with her PE bag.
“Oh dear!” Alex exclaimed, rushing up to her friend and holding the pale hands than belonged to the ABC girl. “Whatever in the world happened? You must tell me at once! You must be feeling oh-so wretched inside, are you not? Oh my dear friend, what can I possibly to do relieve you from such turmoil?”
“Oh…” Rachel sobbed, the hand that was free of Alex’s tender clutches wiping tears daintily off her eyes, “my dear Alex. I feel oh-very wretched indeed, how can such a terrible ordeal happen? I am so glad I have you even when my gentleman is no longer gentle. You have lifted my moods just by accompanying me in my fragile life.”
“My poor, wounded, wronged Rachel!” Alex cried, stroking her friend’s hand to comfort her to the greatest state possible….
“Again?” Alex snorted.
“Yes… Alex…” Rachel muttered, returning the accent, “Ah-gian.”
Alex chortled, “What is it about this time?”
Rachel blushed. “Uhh… nothing..?” She tried on a smile.
Alex rolled her eyes, “whatever, lets go.”
All the way down to the gym, Rachel was unusually silent, and Alex was unusually grim. However, when they arrived, there was no sign of their teacher, and all their classmates were just sitting around in their school uniform.
“I think it’s theory,” Rachel grinned.
“Where’s Mrs. Hamley?” Alex moaned, climbing up the spectator stand and dumping her bag down.
“Who cares?” Rachel cheered, following her friend and dragging them into a corner. “FREE TIME!”
“Heh, free time my arse,” Alex muttered, pulling out her laptop and plugging it into the wall. “Not for you at least. Spit it out. The argument.”
Rachel flushed, “it’s like… one of those normal ones! Like… the ones when we don’t even know who started it and what starte-”
“Cut the crap,” Alex frowned, “tell me!”
“He’s-worried-about-me-getting-hurt-from-doing-something-I’m-not-meant-to-be-doing,” Rachel babbled.
“OooOoOooooh,” Alex grinned, “wazzat?”
“Nothing,” Rachel squeaked, going even redder than before.
“C’mon,” Alex grinned, “I can figure out that red, flushing, I’m-not-gonna-tell-you, there’s-something-more-than-this face from anywhere.”
“You’re going to really think I’m weird though.”
“Honey,” Alex sighed, “I already do.”
“Gee…thanks” Rachel muttered, looking away. But Alex swivelled her around again and demanded to know what caused the argument this time round.
“It’s really weird, and you’ll probably never think of me the same way. Ever again,” Rachel mumbled, trying to avoid Alex’s eye.
“Ha,” Alex laughed, “you can’t corrupt me more than you already have, Rach.”
“Okay-okay…” Rachel said, and took a deep breath.
“You know… wanking? Masturbating?” she began.
“Uh-huh,” Alex nodded, looking blissfully ignorant.
“You know the… female version?”
Uh-h…huh?” the blonde’s expression changed mid-way, “there’s a female version of masturbating?!”
“Shut up!!” Rachel insisted, making huge hand movements as her naïve little friend screamed a word you probably shouldn’t be discussing in front of a load of teenagers. Alex repeated the question in the utmost unbelief.
“I heard you the first time!” Rachel barked, pushing herself into a corner, and screaming when she realised she just mushed against a spider-web. “Yes! Yes! There’s a female version.”
“What? Where…? HOW?” Alex half-shouted.
“Ah… the ignorance is bliss,” Rachel sighed, gingerly pulling strands of web out of her hair. “Guys wank to stimulate what they’ll get during sexual intercourse. What’d you think girls do?”
Alex’s face went from eager-to-know to eager-to-forget.
“You… put things… up… your…”
“Yes…” Rachel frowned, “get over it.”
“Oh… kay…” Alex squirmed, “what’s that got to do with your argument? Or did you just say that just to ruin my innocence?”
“Will thinks I’m using the wrong tool.”
Alex’s face began to contort.
“He thinks it’s starting to hurt me… wounds and everything. I recently just had a pus discharge, and he thinks it’s because the thing I’m using is making wounds inside.”
Alex’s face began its next stage of mutation.
“He’s stopped me from using it a couple of days ago, but I used it last night, and decided to be truthful and tell him that I did. He went mad at me.”
Alex’s face was beyond recognition.
“He can’t do anything about it, I’m 4111miles away.”
Silence.
It was only then that the pair realised the whole class had disappeared to a different, unknown classroom.
“Let’s just ditch,” Rachel said quickly.
“What’d… what’d you use?” Alex mumbled.
“Oh…Uh… you know…”
“No,” Alex whined, “surely the… stuff designed for that purpose won’t cause wounds…”
“Oh… uh… nothing…”
“What did you use, Rachel? What’re you using?”
“A… A comb…”
Alex was silent for a few breath-taking seconds before she burst out laughing.
“A COMB!” she hollered, her breath coming in rags as she gasps for air for her short bursts of chuckles. “A HAIRBRUSH!”
Rachel hung her head in mock shame, her dark hair covering the face so Alex wouldn’t see her grin.
“You, Rachel, are a desperate child,” Alex squawked, getting unsteadily to her feet and picking up her bag.
“Oh shush you,” Rachel laughed, pulling back her hair to reveal her smiling face. “Let’s find where we’re meant to be.”
♠ ♠ ♠
Rach wrote this one X3 It's my turn next!