Holding On

When I got out of the pub I was fucking pissed. Well, maybe I wasn't that pissed, but I felt as if I should have been. I'm not quite sure why, I think it's just still weird how distanced they've become. I can't say that since forever we've been a group, that would be a lie. But they've been best friends for so many years. They were so close to each other before any of them even paid any attention to me.

Maybe that has something to do with that too. I've always felt as an outsider in the group. Of course, I was their friend just like the rest and all that crap. But I still feel sometimes as if I'm the little kid that tries to hang out with all the grown ups. I mean, they probably don't notice it but they still make me feel as if I should be thankful for hanging out with them!

They always pick on me, and not just jokingly it is more than that. They would never do half the things they do to me to anyone else they know. And it's cool, it makes everyone laugh and all but I won't deny the fact it makes me feel a little less close to them than they are close to each other. And if they've turned their back to Matt just like that without giving him a chance, wouldn't they do the same for me if I did something they didn't like?

I looked around the parking lot, looking for Matt's car. The plan was just to drive to his house and then walk home. Matt would probably like to have his car available and some walking would never hurt anybody.

When I got to the car though, my plans have changed. All windows of the black car were half way rolled down. To the driver's sit was attached a small note, written on a ripped paper. I quickly ripped it off the window and brought it close enough for me to clearly read it.

I had to read that note four times. Goodbye? What the fuck does he mean goodbye? Is he going anywhere? What the hell?

"What is it?" a known hoarse voice asked from somewhere behind me. I didn't even notice that I wasn't standing out there alone, I had no idea he followed me out.

Fucking short uninformative note. I wouldn't expect a five pages letter from Matt, of course, but is it really that hard to write something that actually explains the note? Otherwise the note is just a waste of paper and ink.

Though, truth is I kind of did know what it meant, I think. Assuming he isn't planning on a suicide, because then just a fucking tiny note would be lame, I think he's just…

"He's leaving" I mumbled and took out my cell phone. I gotta call him to figure out what he's up too, and maybe bring him back to his senses.

My cell phone's screen claimed there's one unread text message from Matt. For a second, I wasn't sure if I want to read it. Of course I decided to click on the button that would open it, but I was nervous about it. It'd better be something that would help me, if it isn't, I swear I'm gonna find him and kill him.

Forever later, the damn thing loaded and the text was written on the screen. I read it quickly before cursing.

Don't blame the guys.

That's all it fucking said; don't blame the guys. Goddammit! Quickly, I clicked the green button in order to call him and yell at him annoyed. What the fuck does he think he's doing?!

Beep…Beep… And then, a familiar melody came from inside the car. I slowly looked through the driver's window, only to see a cell phone vibrating on the passenger seat.

Desperately, I dialed his house number. "Johnny?” Jimmy tried to talk to me as I just cursed and waited for him to answer. Come on, dammit, he's gotta answer. Just pick up the damn phone, please.

Eventually, after numerous of beeps, the answering machine answered. I threw my cell phone into the car through the half open window and cursed again. I gripped my face with my hands and tried to think of options.

There were no options, there was nothing I could do; he's fucking gone. Where? Why? I have no damn idea because he's such a fucking idiot that doesn't know how to leave normal goodbye notes or at least take his damn phone! Will he ever come back? Is he okay? Will he be okay? How long will he last? Have he left already? Am I ever gonna see him again? I don't know any fucking thing!

"Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fucking fuck!!!" I cursed annoyed as I tried to think of something; anything. I felt a light weight on my shoulder and quickly turned around, to see Jimmy looking at me weirdly.

"Are you alright?" he asked and seemed kind of concerned. Yeah right, fucking liar; none of this would have happened if it wasn't for him. Is it really that fucking hard to accept the fact he's a little different?! You just had to make him run away, right? Couldn't stop?

"Don't fucking touch me" I muttered as he took his hand off my shoulder. "Don't fucking look at me like that, don't fucking talk to me, go the fuck away!" I said annoyed, anger filling me inside. I just fucking lost my best friend over the stupidest thing ever!!

Jimmy seemed confused as he opened his mouth but I cut him off. "No, I said shut the fuck up!" I shouted at him. He stared at me shocked. I could see Zacky and Brian helping each other to walk out of the bar as Jimmy tried to talk again; dammit doesn't he understand what I'm saying?

"Johnny, first of all calm down. And secondly, what happened?" he said to me as if there was something wrong with me. He's always making me feel as if he knows everything and I don't know anything. It's not fucking alright and not damn true. How long will I have to take that? And why, what fucking reason do I have to ignore the way he's acting toward me?

"You idiots made Matt leave, that's what happened! I hope you all are fucking happy!" I snapped looking at them in anger. Brian kept giggling as Zacky looked at Jimmy confused as if he was waiting for an explanation.

"Quit acting as if he's God, he's just a cocky son of a bitch that knows nothing about being a friend" I let the thoughts that were running through my head get out of my mouth without any thinking. Maybe it was the anger, and perhaps the alcohol had a part of it as well.

Zacky looked at me confused, and then turned his back to Jimmy again, who took a step closer to me. "Johnny, would you please listen to me? It's not our fault that he left. He probably just joined some vampire cult or something" he simply said with a calm expression that annoyed me.

Is he really that stupid or is he just acting? I'm completely sure he left because of the guys and because of them only. If he had support around here, more than just me, he would never leave. If they didn't turn their back to him he wouldn't be the way he ended up; all alone. If only one of them would accept who he has become, they all would have and then he'd still be here.

"You know what Jimmy? I used to look up to you. You used to be like my hero, ever since I was a kid. I thought you were the greatest friend anyone could ever have and I wanted to be you, I really did. But you're just a fucked up guy that cares about no one but his own ass. Thanks a lot for nothing at all"

I tried to keep my voice calm and not to shout at him as I turned away and entered Matt's car, finding the keys in there. I repeated my words inside of my head as I started the car, thinking what I am going to do. I don't think I could ever call him, Brian or Zacky best friends anymore. I don't think I'm ever going to trust them, not the way I used to.

The passenger's door opened and cut me off my thoughts as I felt a weight getting on the car and sitting next to me.

"He did leave because of you." I said quietly, not bothering to look to my right; I knew it was Jimmy sitting there. "He was going insane and he had no fucking support when he needed it most. Have you ever tried to think of how this all was affecting him? He had lost all of his friends, his love and everything he was ever used to in one night. Do you think he was gladly killing people? How blind are you?"

For a while, there was silence. He had nothing to say, he knew I was right; I know that he knew.

"I'm sorry" he said after a minute or so. I was quite surprised, and let him keep talking. "I made a mistake, alright? All three of us did. But don't just leave like that." He said quietly and seemed as he really honestly meant his words. A part of me wanted to forgive him and to just let it go; but I couldn't. I couldn't ignore what they've done. I couldn't ignore the loss. But most of all, I couldn't ignore the feeling if knowing that there is no one to rely on. That if anything happened to me, I might not have anyone there for me, because if they turned their back on Matt so easily, they probably wouldn't even blink before doing the same to me.

I shook my head a little as I answered him. "Well, your little mistake just cost me four of my best friends" I said quietly, not bothering to look at him. Or not daring. I know very well that he could have easily talked me into anything; he has been doing it for years. But this time, I won't let him. This time I am right.

"Johnny, I-" he started but I cut him off quickly. "Please get out of the car." I simply asked him to, looking at him to show him how serious I was. He just nodded and got up, shutting the door behind him. As soon as the door was closed I let my leg hit the gas pedal and drove away.

Through the mirror, I could see Jimmy helping the idiots to walk back into the pub. I quickly turned my gaze away from them and focused on the road.

Honestly, I don't think I could ever stop being their friend. One of the reasons being how many mutual friends we have and how much those friends mean to me. But I know I will never look at them the same and I could never consider them as my best friends. I want to believe that I do have amazing friends that would do anything for me and would never turn their backs to me; but I know for a fact that Jimmy, Zacky and Brian are not those friends. They've more than proved it with Matt.