It's All We Know

Jessi’s POV

Something strange happened and it literally happened overnight, I am not sure how to explain it. Once we arrived at St. Petersburg, instead of going with the guys to check out the stage and what not, Rian stayed and insisted on helping me set up the merch desk. I thought it might have been awkward, but it wasn’t. Rian hadn’t mentioned our kiss or conversation all morning; in fact his whole attitude seemed to be back to normal. That was the strange part, I felt like we should be talking about it.

“Don’t you get bored when we are away?” he asked me as I folded shirts, purely because I had nothing better to do.

“When you are on stage?” I asked.

He nodded. “Kinda, Matt’s great and all but he always has things to do, I feel like I am bugging him sometimes.”

Rian chuckled and shook his head. “Trust me he’d tell you if you were!”

“I would love to watch you guys sometime?” I asked, hinting desperately hoping Rian would pick up on it.

“Jaaaaaazz all you had to do was ask! You can come with me now!” Rian exclaimed stepping towards me.

“Who’s going to sell merch?” I asked looking around me.

“Oh… wait here.” He grinned at me and took off in a gentle run. I watched him go thoughtfully, is it weird that he hasn’t mentioned anything about last night? Is he still annoyed, or even disappointed, maybe just hurt, I sighed and laughed at myself, could I be any more conceited? I guess I should be happy things are back to normal… right?

“Matt’s sending a guy to take over,” Rian announced appearing in front of me.

“Really? So I’ll get to see you play?” I asked.

Rian nodded and grinned, our eyes met and his smile softened but didn’t fade from his expression. His eyes shone, I wondered was it because he was happy or was it because he was hurt. It scared me, that I had hurt him, without even really knowing it.

“Are you ok Rian?” I asked quietly, still keeping eye contact.

“I am, I could be happier…” I felt a familiar pang in my chest and I looked away quickly.

“Rian I-”

“It’s alright Jess, I promised myself I wouldn’t let it get awkward and I’m not gonna, I don’t want to ruin what we have.” He said firmly.

“Shouldn’t we talk about it?” I asked.

“Ok.” Rian came round and stood closer to me.

“Well…?” I looked at him hoping he would say something.

“What do you want me to say Jess? I think I’d rather just forget it happened.” He said a faint blush spread across his cheeks.

“Rian you don’t really love me like that do you?” I asked.

He looked me straight in the eyes and nodded. “Why is that so hard to believe?”

“Cos, Ri, we are best friends,” I half whined at him.

“And that’s why I think we should forget it ever happened, but before we do I want to ask you one thing, if it’s ok?”

I raised an eyebrow apprehensively. “Shoot?”

“Did you feel anything? Anything at all?”

“Technically you have already asked me that.” I argued.

“But you didn’t answer me properly,” he urged.

“I can’t answer that Rian,” I whispered.

There was a long awkward silence between us, except it wasn’t really silent, nothing ever was around here.

“I think you are scared Jessi,” he said thoughtfully.

“How exactly?” I asked.

“Well you could have felt something, I know I felt something there, in your kiss and you are too scared to admit it. Or I am embarrassingly mistaken and you didn’t feel a thing.” He paused and scratched the back of his neck. “Either way you are too scared to embrace it.”

I didn’t get a chance to reply to that, because a guy I vaguely recognised approached us, Rian gave him a man hug and then held his hand out to me, I took it happily and he led me away from the merch desk. He let go of my hand for a bit but when we approached the entrance to go backstage he took it again. With a nod from a security guard we passed by guys running about getting things ready, there was a band just coming off stage but I didn’t recognise them.

“JESSIZZLE!” I grinned when I heard Alex shouting. He ran towards me and gave me a huge hug.

“Finally came to watch then?” he asked once he released me from his arms.

“Yep!” I grinned and nodded my head.

“She obviously came to see me; it’s a shame you’ll have to watch these guys too…” Rian joked.

“Dude, you know she totally digs me! Put them straight Jess.” Alex said wrapping his arm around my waist.

“Only in your dreams Gaskarth,” I chuckled. “I am here to see you all!”

“Sweet, well this is for you Jess,” Alex said kissing my cheek. I laughed and blushed a little. Rian gave me a hug then he and Alex ran onto stage, I gave Zack a high five and he ran on too. Jack smiled at me then glanced at the stage, he gave me a quick hug then ran after Zack. I stood in a state of bemusement until I heard the some what familiar opening chords to Dear Maria. I turned my attention to the stage, and wow, were they good. Better than good, the crowd went fucking crazy, I wanted to jump and scream about like them too, but I was standing on my own. If I started jumping and screaming like an idiot I might get a few questioning looks.

Their set ended too soon for my liking, I wanted more, I kinda regretted not listening to them originally, no wonder Faith loves them. I wish Faith was here with me, it’d be good to have someone to talk to about this whole Rian thing. What made it worse was that he was right, and he knew it. He knew me better than I knew myself.

I should have taken some pictures for Faith, I had completely forgotten I promised her I would. I quickly pulled my phone out to take some but stopped because Alex and Jack were running straight for me. I scrunched my face up and waited for the impact. After a few seconds of nothing I opened one of my eyes to find Alex and Jack giving me a strange look.

“I thought you guys were gonna jump on me,” I said quickly.

“We are,” Jack said brightly, as if I should be pleased at the thought of having sweaty hyped up boys jumping on me?

“No…” I held my hands up and backed away from them.

“But Jessi, we always have a group hug after we play a set, its tradition.” Jack stated. I looked at Rian and Zack who were now standing either side of Alex and Jack. They nodded their heads solemnly, then they both smirked at me.

“Ok,” I smiled and held my arms out to them.

The next few minutes involved me being squashed in between Jack and Alex, with Zack’s head resting on mine, I’m not quite sure where Rian got to in this hug, and I swear I heard one of them sigh happily before we all broke apart.

“Now lets go get some food I’m starving!” Jack announced.

“Wait! Guys can I get a picture of you all to send to Faith?” I asked. There wasn’t a band on stage yet so I guess if I got the stage in the background it’ll still be good.

Jack and Alex immediately wrapped their arms around each other and pulled silly faces, while Rian and Zack stood relaxed and well normal looking. I laughed and snapped the picture, sending it to Faith straight away.

“Now can we get food?” Jack whined.