I'll Keep You Alive Inside

He could not move, could not look away as she disappeared under the waves. He had seen the tears sliding down her skin as she left him, but she walked away. He felt a physical pain as the distance between them grew, until he couldn’t see her anymore and he wanted it all to end.

Once again, he woke up cold and wide awake, wanting to forget it all. Aaron fisted his hands tightly, shaking with the effort and gritting his teeth. He hated this. What was wrong with him? Why the hell was he seeing this girl die, over and over, for no apparent reason?

He realised that he was obsessing. This was nothing. Just some weird dreams.

Sure.

“God,” he muttered, breaking the silence of the night, “this is so strange.”

“Only if you want it to be.” A soft voice answered him from the foot of his bed.

Shock, surprise and a tiny bit of fear jolted through him. In the effort of not yelling in surprise he managed to fall off his bed.

She was there. It was her. Sitting at the end of his bed, not two metres away. Aaron blinked and whispered, “What?”

She smiled softly. “It’s only as strange as you want it to be, Aaron. This can happen as often as you like.”

On his knees on the floor, staring up at her, he wondered if he’d fallen back asleep. This was painfully real for a nightmare, he decided, slipping back onto his mattress and rubbing his knee. She was no longer wearing the white dress, but was now covered by soft, dark grey fabric that looked warm and incredibly soft. He felt like rubbing it across his skin… Or was it her fingers he craved, touching his face again?

“Why does it depend on me?” He asked, whispering.

She looked a little puzzled. “Who else would it depend on?” She replied quietly.

“You.” He looked away, the tone in his voice making it evident that he expected her to leave.

She let out a quiet, surprised laugh. “Oh, Aaron, what I want doesn’t matter right now.” She almost smiled as she said, “I am entirely of your mind.”

Well. Double meanings, anyone. He frowned. “Who are you? What’s your name?”

“I don’t know.” She looked sad, saying that.

“Are you real?”

“Am I?” she returned, totally serious. He did another double take. There was a girl sitting on his bed, having just drowned in his dreams, and she was wondering if she was real? He was wondering if he was sane.

No. He wasn’t. He had just decided he was totally, irrevocably insane. No doubt.

Aaron looked down at his hands, no longer fisted but now loosely entwined in his lap.

“I can go if you want.” She said suddenly, looking up at him. He studied her face. It hurt her a lot to say that, even though she tried to hide it. She clearly hated the thought of leaving, but was sacrificing her happiness to do what he wanted.

He stared at her a long time. She must have thought he did want her to go, because she ducked her head and started to get up. “No,” Aaron said suddenly, catching her by the arm, “don’t go. I don’t want you to leave.”

The relief in her face made her glow. “Okay,” she said with another tiny smile. He was amazed. She was trying so hard not to do something, not to reach out and touch him or rest her head against him. He knew she just wanted to be close to him, but she didn’t know if he wanted her. Aaron ignored the voice in his mind that asked him how he knew that.

“Aaron?” She asked timidly a second later.

“Yeah?” He answered, wanting to wrap his arms around her and never let go.

“What happens if I’m not real?” She looked up at him and her lower lip trembled slightly.

He blinked. He didn’t know. He didn’t want to say that, though. “You’re real to me.” He offered, hoping she wouldn’t say ‘that didn’t count’ and knowing somehow that she’d never say that.

She closed her eyes for a brief second then opened them again, smiling. “That’s all that matters.”