Clairvoyant Disease

"I’ve never been able to understand why you defended me so much," he said randomly;

"why did you protect me, Matt?"

"because I love you, I always have. I couldn't stand seeing anyone hurting you, even scorned myself for it," he ran his fingers through my hair, pushing it out of my face;

"then there you have it, I never felt like I was ”in love” with you until a couple of years ago, but I always loved you, you were always my Mattie Boy, my best friend. When that other thing happened to me, I realized that the man you had become, above all things, was a man that I could love, like really love, I just didn’t want to say it to you. You didn’t need something else to use against me,” I looked away for a moment because it hurt that I had to lie to him and to myself for so long. I had to save most of my feelings in the darkest deepest places of my heart so that he couldn’t use it against me.

"I’ve always been in love with you. I remember getting out of that no-girls-allowed phase in childhood when the idea of kissing you came into my mind. It seemed like the most perfect thing, yanno? My parents love you, your parents loved me… and then you told me that you liked me as a brother more than you liked Issa as a sister and I never worked up the guts to say it. I just wasn't willing to take rejection so I didn't even try," now I couldn’t bear to look at him, if we had thought things differently, that would’ve been me throughout the most important years of his life, I could’ve been his first kiss and his first lover and maybe, just maybe, he never would’ve treated me like he treated Val, even more, our relationship never would’ve ended like theirs ended. I took a deep breath and felt him close in, kissing my temple gently he muttered ”it doesn’t matter” and pulled my face towards him and kissed me;

“I want to know something, Matt…” he raised his eyebrows as I gathered the strength to ask him something that had bugged me for the last couple of years “… why did things ended between Val and you? What happened?” he shrugged and smiled;

“you finally asked, I’ve been expecting the question for a really long time,” he chuckled “the day of your accident, I went out to buy something – don’t ‘member what – I get to the light on Beach Boulevard and realize that I had left my wallet at home, sped back to catch her on the phone. I just listened for, like, two minutes – maybe – before I snapped. She was talking to Jeremy, telling him they couldn’t see each other until the next week because I’d be around for the weekend…” he seemed almost amused by it “I got really angry, obviously, and then I just felt empty, used and mostly stupid because you had been right and I had been wrong and I couldn’t fix it. I never truly kicked her out of the house, I went to my parents and then Zacky called me about what had happened to you and you know the rest of the story,” he was over her, that much was clear but like usual I couldn’t leave it at that;

“you seemed distraught after. I supposed you really did love her, no matter how much I tried to convince myself that you didn’t,” he sighed;

“I’m not gonna lie to you. I cared a lot about her but I grew up. I wasn’t that teenager anymore, I had grown used to the life I had with her, like a safety blanket, no feelings aside from that. I realized that no matter what I did, no matter how bad I fucked up, she was always there, so I refused to let her go. In theory, she fucked up so I had to be there, too but I couldn’t because unlike her, I had no real reason to. She gave me some sort of security that I could find anywhere else, to be honest. I was so angry because I had made a shit-load of plans around her mere presence. I had pushed people aside, I had lost you, I couldn’t take it. I fucked up and I had to face it and you know how hard it is for me to admit that I am wrong,” I nodded;

“that’s why you hid away?”

He nodded “when you appeared at the door I just didn’t have to explain and I felt safe again, even more than before,” I swear my heart swelled at that moment;

“I love you, Sanders. I wish I could go back and fix it all, make everything right and be that person for you. I’m sorry that we had to wait so long and go through so much to get here,” I looked up at him again. He smiled and squeezed me tightly before kissing me again;

“I should’ve grown a pair years ago, there’s no point in regretting anything, we’re here now and we’re young enough to have a great life together, that’s what truly matters,”

Two Weeks Later

Matt

I came back from rehearsal earlier than expected. Brian had not been feeling very well and of course, without him we couldn’t do much, only because we just didn’t feel right about even trying.

”babe I’m home, where are you?”

“on my way, just got out of a photoshoot. You hungry?”

“very,” I searched the fridge and although it was full I just didn’t feel like making anything so I grabbed a pack of saltine crackers and made my way to the living room.

”you lazy bitch, I’ll get something,” I chuckled, she knew me too well;

”okay, hurry your slow ass,”

“bite me,”

“Right on it, just wait ‘till you get back,” she laughed and I could almost see her shaking her head;

”baby, don’t make idle threats,” I rolled my eyes and cackled sarcastically knowing it would tick her off;

”you, better than anyone on this earth, know that I make no idle threats,” I heard her scoff and waited for an answer;

”we’ll see when I get home, love you,”

“you too,” it was on and the simple idea of the dominance game that awaited for tonight. It made a warmness take all over my body in a matter of seconds. Before my mind wondered off into a dangerous territory the doorbell rang. I swear, I stared at the foyer hoping that whoever was at the door would simply go away. After the bell rang a couple of more times, I gathered my strength and got to it;

“coming!” I opened it to feel as shocked and stupefied as I had felt two and a half years ago as I listened to this very person spill her heart out to someone else “what are you doing here?” Val stared up at me with barely open teary eyes, her bottom lip had a deep gash in it which seemed to be healing and an old scar on the bridge of her nose. Her blonde hair was pulled up into a pony tail and her dark roots were already showing, she seemed to have lost a great amount of weight but her outfit was a well put together as always “what happened to you?”

“can I come in?” against my better judgement I stood aside and let her inside, Carla is going to kill me! She left her suitcases on the foyer and walked freely deeper in the house. I stared at her for a moment before closing the door behind me and following her to the kitchen;

“make yourself comfortable?” she glared at me clearly noting my sarcasm “what happened?”

“Jeremy lost his mind. He lost most of his parents fortune on gambling and has been taking it out on my face,” I raised my eyebrows shocked;

“and you’re here why?”

“because I need you!” she was completely shocked with the lack of care I showed;

“you need me?” I was almost amused by her “I have not seen you for nearly three years and you need me?” she stood up from the stool of the island;

“I stood by your side long enough, Matt, I need your help! I’m broke, homeless-“

“what about your sister? Your brother? Your parents? Anybody?”

“Michelle won’t help me anymore, my brother has enough with his family and I haven’t told my parents,” that Michelle wouldn’t help her shocked me hard;

“Michelle won’t help you?”

“not after the third time,” she muttered;

“the third time?” I raised my voice “this has happened three times?” she shook her head;

“five,”

“so you just come back, heal and go back to him? What the fuck is wrong with you? Is this what you want for the rest of your life?” she sighed;

“no, I want what we had, for the rest of my life,” it was like a bucket of ice to my back early in the morning, I could not believe what I had just heard;

“what we had?” she nodded “you’re never having that again, Valary. That’s over, it’s been over for a while. Now, I can help you financially, mostly because you’re right. You dealt with a lot of shit from me for a really long time but I don’t want you here. I want nothing more in this world than for you to leave my house, right now. You and I can never be together again,” my voice was low enough to show her how angry she had made me, as always that didn’t stop her from trying;

“you can’t honestly be happy like this, Matt! Sleeping around, working all the time, alone-“

“I’m not alone, Val. Main reason for me wanting you to leave. Carla’s about to-“

“Carla? Carla Banes?” she yelled, I suppose that Michelle had avoided giving her details about our living arrangements;

“Yes, Carla Banes-“

“after everything she did to us?” she actually seemed offended, the same woman that made a fool out of me for over six years, seemed offended at the thought of me being with someone who only watched out for me during those six years!

“she didn’t so shit to us!” I could no longer control the volume of my voice, anger had made it impossible, “she was honest, she watched out for me, she chose me over everyone else in this world! What did you do? You risked what we had for a foolish adventure!” I pointed my finger at her knowing that her blood would simply boil;

“it was a foolish adventure, it really was. I had someone that gave me some attention, someone that truly wanted me by his side! You never did either. Since we were kids, I was only a weapon you used against Carla! You only showed affection towards me if she was watching,” her voice died down and I took a step away, she was right but I couldn’t admit it “I dealt with it, I sucked it up. I pretended that it didn’t matter and I stood by your side as you followed your dream and put mine on the back burner for years! Jeremy cared about my dream, he wanted to kiss me and touch me and love me and he wanted to show the entire world but I had a safety with you that I didn’t want to risk more than I already was so I hid and became the happiest woman in the world when you were gone and the most miserable by your side,” she cried as she went on;

“then why would you want it again?”

“because I never felt safe again,” she whispered “I was miserable because I wanted more from you but I never appreciated what you did give me. Now I do,” she stood closer, as I watched her I erased all surroundings, any noises and any movement were blocked out;

“I’m really sorry that I hurt you, if I could go back I never would’ve done those things. I would’ve been real from the start,” she nodded possibly understanding that the meaning behind my words was to tell her that I loved Carla from the start;

“I’m really sorry for deceiving you,” I nodded;

“I already told you what I can do for you but there’s not much more aside from that,” she looked away with trembling lips;

“I still love you so much, Matt,”

“but I never truly did,” it took a lot of strength to say that to her but I did it, mostly because I felt like I was kicking someone who was already down but I had to be honest because there’s absolutely no reason to do otherwise. She seemed to be giving up, for about a fragment of a second before she pinned me against the island and kissed me. I felt nothing. I wasn’t disgusted, she was still a beautiful woman but emotionally… emotionally there was nothing. I put my hands on her waist and pushed her away shaking my head in mere disbelief;

“well, isn’t this a sight worth a million bucks?”