Clairvoyant Disease

Carla

I got home with Chinese food for Matt and I but had to leave the sodas in my SUV unable to carry them, three bags of food and my purse and I was not leaving my sweet darling Michael Kors in the scorching heat!

“babe, get the sodas from my car-“ I was rendered mute due to the two huge Louis Vuitton suitecases in the foyer. Matt didn’t answer to me but I could hear muttering coming from the kitchen. A woman’s voice could be heard right along. I stood there petrified, chances of this being Amy or someone else from Matt’s family were minimum to none. I finally put the bags on the floor and still clutching my keys and purse I walked towards the entrance of the kitchen.

“I still love you so much, Matt,” the air seemed to have been kicked right out of my lungs. I couldn’t believe that she, from all the women in the word, was here in my house, my kitchen, standing in front of my boyfriend telling him how much she loves him, it couldn’t be real;

“but I never truly did,” it seemed unbearably painful for him to say that, it almost sounded like a question that he had asked himself in order to believe it. He wasn’t as over her as I wanted to believe, the only reason he just muttered those words is because of how incredibly proud he is. She sobbed softly and covered her face with her hands, when she brought them down she wiped her tears away and with a swift move she pushed him against the island and reached up to lock her lips with his’. I looked away for a moment then turned back to them, he had not acknowledge my presence so I needed to watch to fully convince myself that it was really happening. He kissed her back, his eyes closed and his hands gripping tightly at the soft fabric of his pants, he was trying to hold back. A few seconds passed before he placed his hands on her waist and squeezed until his knuckled became white, he pulled her flush against his body before finally pushing her away. Looking down with his eyes still closed he shook his head, he’s too proud and unfortunately so was I, she would not see me cry.

“well, isn’t this a sight worth a million bucks?” I spoke way calmer than what I had intended. Their eyes shot to me in shock, “wow, Val. You look like hell itself,” she glared at me;

“Carlee, babe, let me explain, please,” I didn’t even look at him, my eyes were dead set on her and I could almost see myself finishing the job someone else began;

“don’t, I saw enough,” I raised my hand stopping him from going on “I see that you came with baggage, feel free to make yourself at home, I know it won’t be long before this is your home,”

“Carla please,” he pleaded. I shook my head and walked out of the kitchen and walked away to my room. Matt didn’t follow, I heard him kick her out from afar but didn’t turn to watch just walked into the safety of my room and closed the door behind me, not a minute passed before he was desperately trying to open it “baby, please,” I refused to cry, or at least to bawl, the tears were already leaving my eyes against my will. Matt picked the lock as I dragged my own suitcases out of my walking closet “no-no-no, don’t” he repeated rushing to get them out of my hands and throwing them back into closet;

“Matt-“

“no! I can’t lose you, I finally have you, I won’t lose you!” he pulled me into his body but I was so over it, I pushed him with as much strength as I could muster.

“don’t touch me, ever again,” I said through gritted teeth;

“please,” his eyes know spilling themselves over his flawless cheeks. I wanted to believe those tears, I wanted to believe that moment when he told her he never loved her but I knew better. I know when he’s lying, I know when he’s internally fighting to tell the truth and I definitely know when he’s holding back from something that he truly wants.

“I’m leaving, no matter what you say or do, I’m done. I’m not competing with her anymore. You will never love me, ever and if you actually could, you will never love me as much as you love her-“

“that’s not true, didn’t you hear me say it to her? I told her, I never loved her, I really never did!” I rolled my eyes and went back to my room getting a duffle bag that I had made with personal essentials, like soap, shampoo and conditioner, deodorant, toothbrush and a travel sized perfume. Also pajamas, a few clean pairs of underwear and a comfortable outfit.

“Matt, it’s always been like this! I saw you, I saw how much it hurt you to tell her that because deep down you have so many feelings for her but you’re so fucking proud,” he shook his head;

“it didn’t, it doesn’t-“

“fucking stop! I’m not sticking around for this shit anymore!” I finally yelled letting just an ounce of my anger out;

“Bee! I swear, I tried to get her to leave. I told her there’s nothing between us. I need you, please, don’t leave, let me fix it, please,” he had fallen to his knees when I tried to walk to the door. He held me there in place crying into my dress. I nearly broke down, I wanted to believe him, to kiss him and tell him that nobody else mattered and that I never doubted him but I couldn’t, I knew better. I ran my fingers through his hair and sobbed silently as he continued pleading;

“you have to let go of me, Matt. I don’t trust you enough to even give you the benefit of the doubt,” he looked up at me before standing “this hurts far more than anything that had ever happened between us, you’re hurting me more than ever,” he still held me close “I can’t love someone whose main purpose in life has been to hurt me,”

“I’m not lying! What do I have to do so you’ll believe me?” he was a bit louder now, exasperation finally getting to him;

“Nothing, Matt, move!” I said firmly this exact same thing will happen a thousand times if I let it pass once. He still held me tightly, shaking his head. “Please, let go,” I whispered, my heart had already been ripped apart, I could not stand seeing him like this. “Matt, you have to let me go, I can’t do this and you know it. My anger and my pride won’t let me be with you anymore,” I cried softly;

“Carla, you kiss me one last time and look me dead in the eyes and tell me you don’t love and I’ll let you go,” he framed my face with his hands;

“you know that I can’t kiss you cuz I won’t leave and I can’t say I don’t love you cuz that’d be a lie,” I choked back tears “just let me go,”

“You really want me to do that?” I took a deep breath to lie to the only man I’ve ever loved;

“Yes,” I said softly, my eyes closed so that I couldn’t see his heart breaking through his beautiful hazel ones;

“okay, then,” he pulled away from me “do whatever the fuck you want to do, that’s what you’ve always done, anyways,” he sniffed and wiped his tears away roughly “you will never change, either,” he finished, it was clear that anger, like many times before, had gotten the best out of him;

I sat on the bed knowing very well that he wasn’t done and I was still as free to leave as I had been a minute before. He paced back and forth in front of me, I could tell that he wanted to grovel some more but he also wanted to yell at me and hurt me even more to compensate for the pain that I was causing him. He was lost and I was broken and neither of us could provide any comfort to the other. I went to speak, I wanted him to keep the bitter words to himself, to not say anything that he could possibly regret in the future.

“look at me Carla Banes,” he stood in front of me and grabbing my chin “I’m crying my heart out for you and you don’t even fucking care!” he let go of me and continued walking;

“Matt, I do…”

“fuck!” he punched a hole through my open door “where the fuck were you? You were supposed to be here long ago it couldn’t had possibly taken so long to buy something to eat. What the fuck were you doing? You would’ve been right here from the start and all of this wouldn’t be happening,” he rested back against the wall by the door covering his face with his hands a couple of minutes of silent sobs from each passed before he regained his composure and pinched the bridge of his nose “maybe she was always right and you’re not even worth it,” he walked away and slammed the door of his room behind him. I wish he had beaten the shit out of me and never said that. I sat there listening as he destroyed most of his room before standing and making my way out.

I had a reason to take a bit longer, I wanted to show him that, unlike him, he always had a place in my mind and I know that nobody else in this world will ever take that place.

Matt

I was now officially losing my mind! I sat on my bed, trying to figure out how to get her back, how to make her stop from leaving, how do I fucking do it? Every noise that went on outside of the room got me looking at the door in hopes of her walking in and giving me another chance to speak. Now I don’t only have to convince her that I had spoken with complete honesty to Val, I also had to apologize for putting my foot in my mouth and saying that she wasn’t worth it. I wanted to scream, I wanted to go out there and just hold her, just keep her around for a few more minutes, to show her how much she truly means to me.

Ten years, for ten years I chose Val over Carla, Val had something that I couldn’t be without, she had me, really had me but only as much as I had let her. She was right, my heart was never really with her. I stood up, scratching my head, my eyes stinging from the tears that refused to stop flowing. I paced back and forth again, helpless, lost, how do I fix it? If I can’t fix it, fucking it up even further might help. I grabbed the wood chair I used to work at my desk and threw it across the room into the 8 foot tall mirror by the door. If there was something else for me to destroy inside this room I had to find it because only that could withstand the amount of rage pumping through my veins right now. I sat back down on the bed and fell back covering my face with a pillow. She had made the bed this morning, had cleaned the room yesterday and was slowly taking over it. Her perfume was on my dresser along with some random make up, some of her clothes were in a corner of my bathroom where I had sneaked up on her this morning and made love to her right in the shower. This is torture, she’s not gone yet and I’m already in missing every little detail about my life with her. I sobbed carelessly, she didn’t believe that I was in real pain or that I truly wanted her to stay so she probably thought this was just another tantrum for not getting what I want. Why hide that she’s made me the weakest man alive?

I uncovered my face to look at the damage that I had done to the mirror. She loved that thing. No matter what I was doing, I could be getting dressed, sleeping, watching T.V, she always had to come in and give herself one last look before leaving. I was tempted to give it to her and install it in her room but I got to see her as she checked every bit of her outfits, hair and make-up and that kept it there for two years, now it’s destroyed.

With difficulty, she pushed the door open and I sat up expecting the words that would surely come out. She looked at the shattered mirror on the floor and pouted before taking a deep breath and looking at me.

“you know tha-that dad always said that no matter how great a birthday is spent, if you don’t have something to remember it for it just didn’t seem like a birthday… this is why I took so long today, Matt,” she brought a black box and placed it next to me on the bed, I watched her in complete silence. I do remember that, he would give all of us something different for our birthdays, he died when I was around 19 or 20 years old and he never missed a birthday.

“Carlee, I…” she raised her hand and shook her head. She turned on her heel and was gone before I could react, I heard the front door being slammed shut and broke down again. The happiest I’ve ever been in my entire life and now it’s over. I opened the box and took out the black Michael Kors watch she got me, it was very like me, like something I’d wear on a daily basis. I held it tightly in my hand for a minute before beginning another round of excessive begging.

As I called her number for the third time I notice the inscription in the back of the watch I Will Never Sting My Shadow, calling and leaving messages will not be enough, I need to go to her and look straight into her eyes and tell her how much I love her and that nothing is ever going to change that.

”baby, I know I messed up. I know that I said something under anger that I didn’t mean but I was a hundred percent honest to Val when I said I didn’t love her and that I never have because. You’re everything for me, Carla. I don’t know how to prove it to you but I will find a way, I love you,” I left the message and laid back, this could be the death of me.