Sequel: Living to Die ›
Status: RE-WRITING Updating every Wednesday and Saturday Summer 2015
Clairvoyant Disease
A Grip on Reality
I cried as I drove to Issa’s;
Too strong for too long (and I can't be without you baby)
And I'll be waiting up until you get home (cuz I can't sleep without you baby)
Anybody who's ever loved, ya know just what I feel
Too hard to fake it, nothing can replace it
Call the radio if you just can't be without your baby,
Matt was calling again; I canceled his call and dialed my sister’s number;
”hello?”
“Is, you were right, I was wrong. I was so fucking wrong!”
“what are you talking about? What’s going on?” I know that I had freaked her out but I couldn’t stop to think twice about it;
”he and Val and I can’t fucking take this! It hurts too much!”
“Carla, calm down! Please, I’m not sure what you’re talking about, where are you?”
“on my way over, I just, I don’t know what to do! I’m so done” I stopped at the side of the rode completely unable to go on. I put my SUV on parking and pressed my forehead against the steering wheel;
”ok, you need to be calm so you can drive; I’m right here waiting for you,”
“I can’t drive, I’m not even sure where the fuck I am. It’s too much,”
“ok, give me a couple of minutes, please,” I hung up and continued bawling out of control. I could not muster the strength to calm down, it was impossible.
Too strong for too long (and I can't be without you baby)
And I'll be waiting up until you get home (cuz I can't sleep without you baby)
Anybody who's ever loved, ya know just what I feel
Too hard to fake it, nothing can replace it
Call the radio if you just can't be without your baby,
He needs to stop, I need to be well, I deserve it! I couldn’t understand how I’d fallen in love with him, he actually believes I’m worth nothing, why would I give it all to him, he doesn’t even deserve it!
Issa got to me with Brian, he didn’t say a word, barely even looked at me in the minute it took for Issa to get in my SUV and drive away with me in the passenger seat. I knew it was only a matter of time before this entire thing blew up, first would be Brian losing it with Matt and then Issa snapping at me for becoming the mess I had told her I wouldn’t become. On my defense, I said that if he screwed up, like cheated on me with some random bitch he met while drunk at a club or backstage at a show, not with Val. From all the women in the world, Val. For the next week I canceled all photoshoots, I stayed locked in my room. Barely eating, barely sleeping, my cellphone on mute, Issa in the living room most of the time to push Matt out the door when he decided to come over. Brian was MIA, since I came to the apartment he had managed to avoid Matt and I at all cost. Today, though, Issa was going to pack my things up and Brian was right in tow. Shit was about to hit the fan.
Matt
I hadn’t shaved, I’d barely eaten, just living my days having temper tantrums as if I was a little kid again and drinking myself to sleep at night. I miss every little thing about her, the way that she looked at me while listening to me play piano or guitar, she just loved to do that. She’d always say goodnight to me even if we had physically beaten each other just a few hours before, I never took it for granted, always kissed her goodnight. If she didn’t come back, I always made sure to text her or Issa to know that she was safe, even before her accident, way before we lived together and behind Val’s back. If I had been braver, if I had told her about my feelings since we were children… this would still be home for us and not just for me.
Someone knocked at the front door but I didn’t even try to move from the spot on the couch that I had been rooted in for the past few hours. I then heard the jingle of keys and the door opened, closely followed by the beeping of the alarm. The chance of it being her were so slim that I simply refused to set my hopes any higher.
“What the fuck did I tell you!” Brian came into the living room practically fuming. I looked up at him and realized that I was too tired to even verbally defend myself. “Sanders, I’m talking to you,”
“what exactly do you want to hear?”
“Fuck! I asked you to not hurt her, that’s it. Don’t make her cry and you not only fuck up, you decide to add insult to injury and do it with Val? From all people her? What the fuck is wrong with you?” I barely opened my mouth when he was speaking again making me take a deep breath to calm the boiling monster inside me “shut up! You have no place to talk! Carla has given everything to you, having your back, fighting for you and your stupid pride, Matt, since I met her over 15 years ago and this is how you repay her?” his yelling had finally made me snap;
“Brian, shut the fuck up!” I yelled back standing up, my knees nearly gave up on me and every sore muscle on my body felt like sharp knives gliding up and down my entire body. Issa finally came into the living room with a piece of clothes in her hand. She stared at us wide eyed. Not even I could’ve imagined that Brian and I would get in an argument like this but I had it coming, I just need for him to know my side of the story. “you don’t even know what the hell happened, you just heard Carla’s side who doesn’t even fucking know,” I said strongly “Val came here cuz Cobailt went broke and beat the shit out of her. I told her to just go, I was willing to give her money so that she would go back wherever the hell she came from, I defended Carla and I stood up for our relationship with everything that I had. I did it in front of Val and I will do it in front of the entire world if I have to! I told Val I never loved her because I never fucking did and that stupid bitch kissed me and even though Carla heard me say that I didn’t love her, even though Carla saw me push her away… she still didn’t care, she left,” I felt the tears starting to fill up my eyes but I wouldn’t cry, not in front of him, it goes against my egocentric macho persona, yeah, I admit it.
“I cried for her to stay, to hear me out but she wouldn’t listen. Anger got the best out of me and I said some things I didn’t mean, as usual. But fuck, Bri, look at me. I can’t sleep, I have barely even eaten, I have destroyed half of my house; I can’t do anything right. I had the world, the entire fucking world in the palms of my hands for two weeks, the happiest I’ve ever been in my entire life… it’s over, just like that,” I sat back down swallowing hard and sniffing back the tears that had begun falling over my face “I just want her to listen, I want her to understand that she misunderstood my tone and my actions towards Val. For some ridiculous reason she believes that I lied when I told Val I had never loved her, in her mind I wanted to go on with the kiss and-and she just-“ I sobbed softly and covered my face with my hands then took a deep breath before wiping my face not so gently “I always say something, I can’t help it. There’s always something that comes out just for the sake of fucking up my life, especially with Carla… and I’m so sorry about it, I didn’t mean the things I said, I - I wanted her to stay so bad, I thought that if I pissed her off enough she’d beat the crap out of me and just stick around on a guilt-trip or something,” I finished with a chuckle, even I was incredulous of how stupid I had actually sounded.
Issa came closer and sat on the armrest of the couch. Brian’s eyes were stuck on her, maybe he was putting himself in my place for a second. If he can imagine a moment without her by his side, he can feel what I feel.
“Matt, you need to get a grip on reality, dude,” Issa said rubbing my back “you need to understand Carla, for a fragment of a second. It’s been a fucking war between her and Val for as long as we can all remember and you usually rooted for that bitch. We know that Carla has always been important for you but you had a very peculiar, cruel way of showing it to her. It’s impossible to make Carla reason about this and believe you, when you’ve pushed her – for whatever reasons it might’ve been – you pushed her aside and stood a hundred percent on Val’s corner. It’s not easy for her either, it’s heartbreaking,” I nodded and closed my eyes, trying to calm my breathing and not break down again.
She understood, Marissa knew that most of this mess was inside Carla’s mind and that gave me a bit of relief, if someone can get through to Carla Banes, is Marissa Grace Banes. “I’ll try to talk to her but I can’t guaranty anything, ok?” I nodded again and she pulled me into a comforting hug, “I’m gonna grab a few of her things but not everything. She’ll have to grow a pair eventually and face you,” she stood up;
“thank you,” I fell to the other side of the couch laying for another uncomfortable nap;
“No, get up!” Brian pried me from the cushions. “go shave and take a shower, you reek. If she decides to talk to you, we’ll let you know,” he shoved me into the hall;
“fine,” I growled…
Too strong for too long (and I can't be without you baby)
And I'll be waiting up until you get home (cuz I can't sleep without you baby)
Anybody who's ever loved, ya know just what I feel
Too hard to fake it, nothing can replace it
Call the radio if you just can't be without your baby,
Matt was calling again; I canceled his call and dialed my sister’s number;
”hello?”
“Is, you were right, I was wrong. I was so fucking wrong!”
“what are you talking about? What’s going on?” I know that I had freaked her out but I couldn’t stop to think twice about it;
”he and Val and I can’t fucking take this! It hurts too much!”
“Carla, calm down! Please, I’m not sure what you’re talking about, where are you?”
“on my way over, I just, I don’t know what to do! I’m so done” I stopped at the side of the rode completely unable to go on. I put my SUV on parking and pressed my forehead against the steering wheel;
”ok, you need to be calm so you can drive; I’m right here waiting for you,”
“I can’t drive, I’m not even sure where the fuck I am. It’s too much,”
“ok, give me a couple of minutes, please,” I hung up and continued bawling out of control. I could not muster the strength to calm down, it was impossible.
Too strong for too long (and I can't be without you baby)
And I'll be waiting up until you get home (cuz I can't sleep without you baby)
Anybody who's ever loved, ya know just what I feel
Too hard to fake it, nothing can replace it
Call the radio if you just can't be without your baby,
He needs to stop, I need to be well, I deserve it! I couldn’t understand how I’d fallen in love with him, he actually believes I’m worth nothing, why would I give it all to him, he doesn’t even deserve it!
Issa got to me with Brian, he didn’t say a word, barely even looked at me in the minute it took for Issa to get in my SUV and drive away with me in the passenger seat. I knew it was only a matter of time before this entire thing blew up, first would be Brian losing it with Matt and then Issa snapping at me for becoming the mess I had told her I wouldn’t become. On my defense, I said that if he screwed up, like cheated on me with some random bitch he met while drunk at a club or backstage at a show, not with Val. From all the women in the world, Val. For the next week I canceled all photoshoots, I stayed locked in my room. Barely eating, barely sleeping, my cellphone on mute, Issa in the living room most of the time to push Matt out the door when he decided to come over. Brian was MIA, since I came to the apartment he had managed to avoid Matt and I at all cost. Today, though, Issa was going to pack my things up and Brian was right in tow. Shit was about to hit the fan.
Matt
I hadn’t shaved, I’d barely eaten, just living my days having temper tantrums as if I was a little kid again and drinking myself to sleep at night. I miss every little thing about her, the way that she looked at me while listening to me play piano or guitar, she just loved to do that. She’d always say goodnight to me even if we had physically beaten each other just a few hours before, I never took it for granted, always kissed her goodnight. If she didn’t come back, I always made sure to text her or Issa to know that she was safe, even before her accident, way before we lived together and behind Val’s back. If I had been braver, if I had told her about my feelings since we were children… this would still be home for us and not just for me.
Someone knocked at the front door but I didn’t even try to move from the spot on the couch that I had been rooted in for the past few hours. I then heard the jingle of keys and the door opened, closely followed by the beeping of the alarm. The chance of it being her were so slim that I simply refused to set my hopes any higher.
“What the fuck did I tell you!” Brian came into the living room practically fuming. I looked up at him and realized that I was too tired to even verbally defend myself. “Sanders, I’m talking to you,”
“what exactly do you want to hear?”
“Fuck! I asked you to not hurt her, that’s it. Don’t make her cry and you not only fuck up, you decide to add insult to injury and do it with Val? From all people her? What the fuck is wrong with you?” I barely opened my mouth when he was speaking again making me take a deep breath to calm the boiling monster inside me “shut up! You have no place to talk! Carla has given everything to you, having your back, fighting for you and your stupid pride, Matt, since I met her over 15 years ago and this is how you repay her?” his yelling had finally made me snap;
“Brian, shut the fuck up!” I yelled back standing up, my knees nearly gave up on me and every sore muscle on my body felt like sharp knives gliding up and down my entire body. Issa finally came into the living room with a piece of clothes in her hand. She stared at us wide eyed. Not even I could’ve imagined that Brian and I would get in an argument like this but I had it coming, I just need for him to know my side of the story. “you don’t even know what the hell happened, you just heard Carla’s side who doesn’t even fucking know,” I said strongly “Val came here cuz Cobailt went broke and beat the shit out of her. I told her to just go, I was willing to give her money so that she would go back wherever the hell she came from, I defended Carla and I stood up for our relationship with everything that I had. I did it in front of Val and I will do it in front of the entire world if I have to! I told Val I never loved her because I never fucking did and that stupid bitch kissed me and even though Carla heard me say that I didn’t love her, even though Carla saw me push her away… she still didn’t care, she left,” I felt the tears starting to fill up my eyes but I wouldn’t cry, not in front of him, it goes against my egocentric macho persona, yeah, I admit it.
“I cried for her to stay, to hear me out but she wouldn’t listen. Anger got the best out of me and I said some things I didn’t mean, as usual. But fuck, Bri, look at me. I can’t sleep, I have barely even eaten, I have destroyed half of my house; I can’t do anything right. I had the world, the entire fucking world in the palms of my hands for two weeks, the happiest I’ve ever been in my entire life… it’s over, just like that,” I sat back down swallowing hard and sniffing back the tears that had begun falling over my face “I just want her to listen, I want her to understand that she misunderstood my tone and my actions towards Val. For some ridiculous reason she believes that I lied when I told Val I had never loved her, in her mind I wanted to go on with the kiss and-and she just-“ I sobbed softly and covered my face with my hands then took a deep breath before wiping my face not so gently “I always say something, I can’t help it. There’s always something that comes out just for the sake of fucking up my life, especially with Carla… and I’m so sorry about it, I didn’t mean the things I said, I - I wanted her to stay so bad, I thought that if I pissed her off enough she’d beat the crap out of me and just stick around on a guilt-trip or something,” I finished with a chuckle, even I was incredulous of how stupid I had actually sounded.
Issa came closer and sat on the armrest of the couch. Brian’s eyes were stuck on her, maybe he was putting himself in my place for a second. If he can imagine a moment without her by his side, he can feel what I feel.
“Matt, you need to get a grip on reality, dude,” Issa said rubbing my back “you need to understand Carla, for a fragment of a second. It’s been a fucking war between her and Val for as long as we can all remember and you usually rooted for that bitch. We know that Carla has always been important for you but you had a very peculiar, cruel way of showing it to her. It’s impossible to make Carla reason about this and believe you, when you’ve pushed her – for whatever reasons it might’ve been – you pushed her aside and stood a hundred percent on Val’s corner. It’s not easy for her either, it’s heartbreaking,” I nodded and closed my eyes, trying to calm my breathing and not break down again.
She understood, Marissa knew that most of this mess was inside Carla’s mind and that gave me a bit of relief, if someone can get through to Carla Banes, is Marissa Grace Banes. “I’ll try to talk to her but I can’t guaranty anything, ok?” I nodded again and she pulled me into a comforting hug, “I’m gonna grab a few of her things but not everything. She’ll have to grow a pair eventually and face you,” she stood up;
“thank you,” I fell to the other side of the couch laying for another uncomfortable nap;
“No, get up!” Brian pried me from the cushions. “go shave and take a shower, you reek. If she decides to talk to you, we’ll let you know,” he shoved me into the hall;
“fine,” I growled…