Sequel: Living to Die ›
Status: RE-WRITING Updating every Wednesday and Saturday Summer 2015
Clairvoyant Disease
Sequence of Successes
I lied in my bed watching T.V.
Take me down to the paradise city,
Where the grass is green and the girls are pretty,
Take me home,
I sang along Axl Rose. Matt has never truly liked L.A. he enjoys long drives, the calmness of the beach and being close to the people he loves, still, for debauchery, L.A. is paradise city for him, yeah, woohoo, I’m totally feeling that, babe. My door slowly opened bringing me out of my trance, fucking Issa never learned to knock! She settled a box at the feet of my bed before sitting down next to me; she rubbed her hands nervously before looking at me;
“So, how are you feeling?”
“Well, this morning I felt like horse shit and now I feel like dog shit so things are already looking up,” she chuckled and looked away for a moment “where are the rest of my things?”
“at your house,” I cocked an eyebrow;
“”his house-“
“your house,” she was so not his side;
“is there anything you need to tell me, Is?”
“Look, Carlee, I heard Matt out and…”
“Nu uh! You’re not taking his side!” she just tapped her heel against the carpeted floor, she is on his side! “I can’t believe you! You’ve been here with me this entire week, you know how I’ve been feeling! I told you everything that happened and you’re still going to believe him?” I yelled, I feel furious!
“No! I’m on your side, I’m always on your side. What happened sucked, I know it but I do believe you might have over reacted. Your interpretation of what happened is based on things from the past, on the repetitive sequence of successes, you didn’t even try to rationalize the entire fucking thing and you know it!” she wasn’t one to back down when her mind was set on something and apparently she was determined to defend him at all cost. “he’s only human and he made a mistake and it wasn’t even his fault to begin with, Val…”
“don’t mention her name, I swear on our father’s bones that when I get her upfront, no matter where we are or what happens I’m gonna, at least, bitch-slap her!” she smiled. Maybe she was already imagining it, she knows I never swear in vain “and I’m not gonna hear him out, it’s fucking worthless. How am I supposed to believe that he never loved her like he said to her? For years, Issa, years he chose her over me. I fucking fought everything and everyone for him, he always found way to hurt me, almost for fun… he wanted to see me in pain or crying since we were children-“
“oh please, Carla. That’s what I mean with over reacting!”
“really Marissa? You remember when you moved in with us, I had a cast on up to my thigh, his fault!” she tilted her head confused, for the most part I know that she had erased a lot of memories from her childhood, she always says she wishes to remember her first day of school and her birthdays but her brain had destroyed it all so that it wouldn’t really hurt her. So of course, the reason behind my injury around the time she was forced to move in with us were gone too. I sighed and sat next to her again “Matt and I would always climb up to the roof of my house and sit there for hours watching the cars go by and scaring the shit out of our parents because we were like seven or eight. Each and every time we did that he would ask me ”how long do you think it takes for a body to hit the ground? to say that Matt was a creepy child is an understatement. One day we were done pissing our parents off, they had been calling us for like an hour, he gets up, pulls me up and just keeps on pulling and lets go of my hand, I fell shattering my ankle and breaking the rest of my leg in three parts, that was just the fall, the concussion came from dad…” she scoffed a laugh “I had that cast for three months, if I’m not mistaken. You know how he fixed it? He got Kim to buy me an almond Hershey and a rose so that I would feel better, he went to my house and apologized for letting go of my hand because he was about to fall too. Of course, like usual, I forgave him and we were good for a few more years. Randomly in high school, we talked about the random shit we had once wondered… he told everyone that one thing he thought about as a young child was to count the time it took for a body to hit the floor from different heights and that he knew for a fact that it took two and a half seconds from about twelve or thirteen feet,” she began laughing obnoxiously;
“I fucking remember that! I never understood your bitch fit, though,”
“he did it on purpose!” I yelled and she just laughed harder “he has always wanted to hurt me,” I looked away. The story was funny NOW that I don’t have a cast on and am alive but everything surrounding this situation makes it impossible to even break a smile;
“Okay, enough sulking, Carla,” she was annoyed with me “you’re fucking hurting yourself by being so stubborn. Back then he wasn’t trying to hurt you he was a curious kid, instead of asking he found out for himself,” she said with a slight tone of amusement in her voice;
“yeah and what about six months ago when one of his whore friends got in my face when I asked them, nicely enough, to keep it the fuck down. It was the middle of the night, I was ill, she came out almost naked and told me that the only reason I was living with him was that he felt sorry for me. He didn’t defend me, Is, he laughed with her, pulled her into his room and fucked the brain right out of her,” the tears began filling my eyes. It really was repetitive, he fucks up, he apologizes, I forgive him and we come back around. She just bit her lip trying to find something else to say in his favor “maybe I just did something wrong, maybe having someone to love is not what he needed, I was just stupid to think otherwise, to think that he could treat me with respect and with care, I believed or I forced myself to believe that he could treat me like a woman instead of a little toy to have fun with for a while then move on or back to some other lucky bitch,” I sniffed softly, my voice had died. I might’ve made the entire scene up in my mind and not realized what was really happening in front of my eyes but he could never change.
“Carla, I know for sure it wasn’t his fault. What you think you saw is not real. You want to believe it’s real so that you don’t live with the fear of him breaking your heart eventually and just get over it sooner. Just give him five minutes, five minute of civil conversation, five minutes without cursing each other out, without yelling, without strangling him until you leave him near mute…” I rolled my eyes. That only happened once! “that’s all he’s asking for,” she stood up. I couldn’t believe that she had fallen for his lies; I stopped doing that so long ago;
“No, I can’t…”
“Carla,” she tried;
“fuck no!” I yelled standing up “I bet he already slept with her to ”drown his pain”, I can just see it” I felt the urgent need to scream and throw up and scream some more. “if he thinks he can have me whenever he wants me, he can just go to hell,” I stomped my feet and opened my door just to be frozen in place…
Take me down to the paradise city,
Where the grass is green and the girls are pretty,
Take me home,
I sang along Axl Rose. Matt has never truly liked L.A. he enjoys long drives, the calmness of the beach and being close to the people he loves, still, for debauchery, L.A. is paradise city for him, yeah, woohoo, I’m totally feeling that, babe. My door slowly opened bringing me out of my trance, fucking Issa never learned to knock! She settled a box at the feet of my bed before sitting down next to me; she rubbed her hands nervously before looking at me;
“So, how are you feeling?”
“Well, this morning I felt like horse shit and now I feel like dog shit so things are already looking up,” she chuckled and looked away for a moment “where are the rest of my things?”
“at your house,” I cocked an eyebrow;
“”his house-“
“your house,” she was so not his side;
“is there anything you need to tell me, Is?”
“Look, Carlee, I heard Matt out and…”
“Nu uh! You’re not taking his side!” she just tapped her heel against the carpeted floor, she is on his side! “I can’t believe you! You’ve been here with me this entire week, you know how I’ve been feeling! I told you everything that happened and you’re still going to believe him?” I yelled, I feel furious!
“No! I’m on your side, I’m always on your side. What happened sucked, I know it but I do believe you might have over reacted. Your interpretation of what happened is based on things from the past, on the repetitive sequence of successes, you didn’t even try to rationalize the entire fucking thing and you know it!” she wasn’t one to back down when her mind was set on something and apparently she was determined to defend him at all cost. “he’s only human and he made a mistake and it wasn’t even his fault to begin with, Val…”
“don’t mention her name, I swear on our father’s bones that when I get her upfront, no matter where we are or what happens I’m gonna, at least, bitch-slap her!” she smiled. Maybe she was already imagining it, she knows I never swear in vain “and I’m not gonna hear him out, it’s fucking worthless. How am I supposed to believe that he never loved her like he said to her? For years, Issa, years he chose her over me. I fucking fought everything and everyone for him, he always found way to hurt me, almost for fun… he wanted to see me in pain or crying since we were children-“
“oh please, Carla. That’s what I mean with over reacting!”
“really Marissa? You remember when you moved in with us, I had a cast on up to my thigh, his fault!” she tilted her head confused, for the most part I know that she had erased a lot of memories from her childhood, she always says she wishes to remember her first day of school and her birthdays but her brain had destroyed it all so that it wouldn’t really hurt her. So of course, the reason behind my injury around the time she was forced to move in with us were gone too. I sighed and sat next to her again “Matt and I would always climb up to the roof of my house and sit there for hours watching the cars go by and scaring the shit out of our parents because we were like seven or eight. Each and every time we did that he would ask me ”how long do you think it takes for a body to hit the ground? to say that Matt was a creepy child is an understatement. One day we were done pissing our parents off, they had been calling us for like an hour, he gets up, pulls me up and just keeps on pulling and lets go of my hand, I fell shattering my ankle and breaking the rest of my leg in three parts, that was just the fall, the concussion came from dad…” she scoffed a laugh “I had that cast for three months, if I’m not mistaken. You know how he fixed it? He got Kim to buy me an almond Hershey and a rose so that I would feel better, he went to my house and apologized for letting go of my hand because he was about to fall too. Of course, like usual, I forgave him and we were good for a few more years. Randomly in high school, we talked about the random shit we had once wondered… he told everyone that one thing he thought about as a young child was to count the time it took for a body to hit the floor from different heights and that he knew for a fact that it took two and a half seconds from about twelve or thirteen feet,” she began laughing obnoxiously;
“I fucking remember that! I never understood your bitch fit, though,”
“he did it on purpose!” I yelled and she just laughed harder “he has always wanted to hurt me,” I looked away. The story was funny NOW that I don’t have a cast on and am alive but everything surrounding this situation makes it impossible to even break a smile;
“Okay, enough sulking, Carla,” she was annoyed with me “you’re fucking hurting yourself by being so stubborn. Back then he wasn’t trying to hurt you he was a curious kid, instead of asking he found out for himself,” she said with a slight tone of amusement in her voice;
“yeah and what about six months ago when one of his whore friends got in my face when I asked them, nicely enough, to keep it the fuck down. It was the middle of the night, I was ill, she came out almost naked and told me that the only reason I was living with him was that he felt sorry for me. He didn’t defend me, Is, he laughed with her, pulled her into his room and fucked the brain right out of her,” the tears began filling my eyes. It really was repetitive, he fucks up, he apologizes, I forgive him and we come back around. She just bit her lip trying to find something else to say in his favor “maybe I just did something wrong, maybe having someone to love is not what he needed, I was just stupid to think otherwise, to think that he could treat me with respect and with care, I believed or I forced myself to believe that he could treat me like a woman instead of a little toy to have fun with for a while then move on or back to some other lucky bitch,” I sniffed softly, my voice had died. I might’ve made the entire scene up in my mind and not realized what was really happening in front of my eyes but he could never change.
“Carla, I know for sure it wasn’t his fault. What you think you saw is not real. You want to believe it’s real so that you don’t live with the fear of him breaking your heart eventually and just get over it sooner. Just give him five minutes, five minute of civil conversation, five minutes without cursing each other out, without yelling, without strangling him until you leave him near mute…” I rolled my eyes. That only happened once! “that’s all he’s asking for,” she stood up. I couldn’t believe that she had fallen for his lies; I stopped doing that so long ago;
“No, I can’t…”
“Carla,” she tried;
“fuck no!” I yelled standing up “I bet he already slept with her to ”drown his pain”, I can just see it” I felt the urgent need to scream and throw up and scream some more. “if he thinks he can have me whenever he wants me, he can just go to hell,” I stomped my feet and opened my door just to be frozen in place…