Clairvoyant Disease

Matt

So very much against my will, I walked into the shower and instantly regretted it. The smell of her body wash had taken over the place, I had her right here. Her back against my chest, my lips on her neck as she reached to grab my hair to keep some sort of control over me. I ran my hands up and down her body spreading the suds as I made her mine.

To get into the shower was hard, to leave it even worse but I had to make another attempt at seeing her. I needed to look into those blue eyes and tell her that my life is nothing without her, it never has. I got dressed quickly and put on the watch she gave me for my birthday before leaving what was left standing of my house. I was amazed that the neighbors had yet to call the cops on me while I was having one those tantrums.

Brian and Issa asked me to wait, they would give me green light to go over but this is the longest, in my entire life, that I have gone without sight or word from her. On tour, I sometimes just called her and pretend to be annoyed because I was dialing somebody else’s number and ended up calling her; I know, I’m an idiot. It worked, though, I got to speak to her for hours with that shit of an excuse. I need her to know and to understand that I will never love anyone else but her. She needs to know that and if Issa can’t get through to her, I will even if I had to use every little bit of strength left in me and I know she will make me use it.

Once at Issa’s apartment building, I dragged myself up to her apartment and knocked on the door, Brian opened it with an annoyed look on his face that was worth a million bucks but I couldn’t stand to enjoy because I was determined to get to her.

“What are you doing here?” he spoke as I walked pass him;

“I can’t just sit back and wait, not after so long of doing nothing for this, I need to talk to Carlee,”

“we just got here, not ten minutes ago. They’re talking right now, just have a seat, wait a bit,” I shook my head and went to the first door to the left and when I was about to knock I overheard the heated argument between them:

“oh please, Carla. That’s what I mean with over reacting!”

“really Marissa? You remember when you moved in with us, I had a cast on up to my thigh, his fault!” I cringe at the memory “Matt and I would always climb up to the roof of my house and sit there for hours watching the cars go by and scaring the shit out of our parents because we were like seven or eight. Each and every time we did that he would ask me ”how long do you think it takes for a body to hit the ground? to say that Matt was a creepy child is an understatement. One day we were done pissing our parents off, they had been calling us for like an hour, he gets up, pulls me up and just keeps on pulling and lets go of my hand, I fell shattering my ankle and breaking the rest of my leg in three parts, that was just the fall, the concussion came from dad…” I chuckled softly because he had no cares when it came to discipline. She was crying whit her leg all fucked up and he taking every shot he could get, even I received a few and not only from my own dad, from hers too “I had that cast for three months, if I’m not mistaken. You know how he fixed it? He got Kim to buy me an almond Hershey and a rose so that I would feel better, he went to my house and apologized for letting go of my hand because he was about to fall too. Of course, like usual, I forgave him and we were good for a few more years. Randomly in high school, we talked about the random shit we had once wondered… he told everyone that one thing he thought about as a young child was to count the time it took for a body to hit the floor from different heights and that he knew for a fact that it took two and a half seconds from about twelve or thirteen feet,” Issa was laughing hard now but I just couldn’t get pass the fact that I could’ve killed her, she could’ve been paralyzed for life because I heard that question somewhere and decided to try it myself.

“I fucking remember that! I never understood your bitch fit, though,” my purpose at that point was to tick her off, so right after I said that Carla put two and two together and began a rant that finished with ”I’m telling your mom!” and she left;

“he did it on purpose!” Issa laughed harder making it impossible for me to hear Carla’s next words;

“Okay, enough sulking, Carla,” Marissa’s tone was pushing a button in Carla that was soon to make her snap, I know it. I do it all the time “you’re fucking hurting yourself by being so stubborn. Back then he wasn’t trying to hurt you he was a curious kid, instead of asking he found out for himself,” Issa was clearly amused by the entire thing but it was way more serious than that.

“yeah and what about six months ago when one of his whore friends got in my face when I asked them, nicely enough, to keep it the fuck down. It was the middle of the night, I was ill, she came out almost naked and told me that the only reason I was living with him was that he felt sorry for me. He didn’t defend me, Is, he laughed with her, pulled her into his room and fucked the brain right out of her,” I could hear Carla’s voice breaking. I scorned myself for so long after that. The girl pissed the hell out of me by saying that to Carla but I couldn’t give Carla the pleasure of triumphing over somebody else so I pulled that girl into my room and took my anger out on her body. “maybe I just did something wrong, maybe having someone to love is not what he needed, I was just stupid to think otherwise, to think that he could treat me with respect and with care, I believed or I forced myself to believe that he could treat me like a woman instead of a little toy to have fun with for a while then move on or back to some other lucky bitch,” I closed my eyes in complete shame, I should leave, let it be what it is and stop hurting her so much but then again, giving up isn’t exactly what I’m known for and if had fought for her all this time none of this would be happening.

“Carla, I know for sure it wasn’t his fault. What you think you saw is not real. You want to believe it’s real so that you don’t live with the fear of him breaking your heart eventually and just getting over it sooner. Just give him five minutes, five minute of civil conversation, five minutes without cursing each other out, without yelling, without strangling him until you leave him near mute. That’s all he’s asking for,” God please let Issa get through that wall.

“No, I can’t…” c’mon, baby, please…

“Carla,”

“fuck no!” she finally snapped “I bet he already slept with her to ”drown his pain”, I can just see it” I feel defeated yet again. “if he thinks he can have me whenever he wants me, he can just go to hell,” before I could make a single move to leave, Carla opened the door and stared at me with bloodshot eyes;

“what are you doing here?” she muttered “What is he doing here?” she turned to Issa whose face was beet red in shock;

“I had no idea he was there, I swear,”

“She didn’t, Carlee, I just…”

“I can’t believe you! You’re my sister!” she yelled, I couldn’t let Issa take the heat for something she hadn’t done, I’m already on the receiving end of that dilemma and it does not feel good. I grabbed Carla’s hand and pulled her out into the hall;

“She didn’t know, I just got here,” I said strongly. No matter how strong she is, I always seem to intimidate her, at least a little bit. She didn’t say a word as I held her in place right in front of me. Issa rushed out of the room and to the living room where she called Brian and told him that they were leaving. For about a minute we stood there in silent looking into each other’s eyes;

“Matt, leave me alone,” I could read between her words and over the tired tone of her voice that she didn’t want me to but was too proud to admit it;

“No, you’re going to listen to me,” I said softly, she looked down “I’m sorry for what I said, it was in the heat of the moment, ok? You’re everything for me, you know I said it over and over again, I love you,” I brought her face up wanting nothing but to kiss the tears that fell from her crystal blue eyes right off her flawless face “what happened with Val was a misunderstanding. I don’t know what it is exactly that you saw, or thought you saw but what I was feeling and what I did was real. I pushed her away, I told her I never loved her and I meant it, baby. If you had gotten there just two minutes earlier you would’ve heard her say what our relationship was like for ten years, how I ignored her existence whenever you weren’t around. For years I got your attention by using her and I got very used to her presence and for the most part, like I told you, I did care about her but it’s over. It’s been over for a long long while and I just wish you’d understand it,” she just looked away from me;

“Why was she there?” she turned back to me, serious progress now, she’s at least wondering;

“Cobalt beat her up and she didn’t want to tell her parents and Michelle wouldn’t help her, she thought I could. Look Carlee, I practically begged for her to leave, I didn’t want to be close to her. I told her that I’m in a relationship with you and defended you and our relationship in front of her with all I had, you have to believe me,” I let my hands fall onto her hips feeling a bit surer of the situation but of course, I’m not the only walking time-bomb;

“I don’t have to do anything!” she tried to walk away;

“Carl…” I tried;

“fuck! Leave me alone, go away,” she cried and once again tried to leave but when I said I would use strength I meant it and shoved her against the wall and pressed my body against hers. She hit me as hard as she could, which was pretty hard before digging her nails into my bear arms;

“stop it! Stop it,” I said again and again before holding her arms down;

“let me go, I hate you!” she screamed, that hurt more than anything else. It is my fault that she’s ever said that, I loved to humiliate her and now that I need her, she’s gone;

“Bee, stop, I love you, please,” I begged softly tearing up, I was weakened and she took the chance to push me off her;

“Matt, I can’t! it hurts right here!” she cried hitting her chest “I can see you kissing her, I have nightmares of you and her, she will never leave,” she was rooted in the same place in the wall. I remember, Val and I were going at it in Brian’s room and she walked in on us, Val just moaned my name louder and kept going but as soon as Carla closed the door, I pushed her off me and thought that it had gone too far;

“Carla, she’s gone, I promise,” I closed in again on her, wrapping my arms around her waist and spoke against her bare shoulder;

“she will never be, please, Matt. Just let me go, you can’t love me” she cried softly. I pulled her off the wall and hugged her tightly. We both broke down in tears. Her face was buried in my chest, her hands held the back of my shoulders for dear life as my arms continued wrapped around her waist tightly and my mouth pressed against her shoulder letting scarce sobs escape.

“I do love you, like crazy,” I finally spoke into her hair. We stayed there for a while, she was too tired to continue fighting so she just let me hold her as she went on pouring her fragile heart out into my chest;

“Matt, I-I need some time, I have a lot of thinking to do,” she looked up at me;

“I’ll give you all the time you need, I just want to be with you,” I wiped her tears away, she leaned into my touch before taking my hand in hers and kissing it;

“I don’t hate you,”

“I know, Carlee. I hurt you too much, that’s why I’m willing to wait for you, cuz I want you back home with me,” she bit her lip, “I love you,” I finally saw the ghost of a smile appear on her beautiful face;

“I love you, too. Can we talk later, I’m exhausted and I just need to be alone for a while,” I took another breath of her scent and released the hold I had on her. I looked at her lips, so tempting to brush mine against them but she could read the intention on my forehead and pulled further away;

“I’m sorry,” she was nervous about it but I just nodded and leaned to kiss her forehead;

“I know. Go rest, I’m going home,” I was about to leave when she wrapped her arms around my neck and hugged me tightly. I cherished the moment for all its worth, holding her close to my body, she smells like candy and her skin is like pure silk soft and always warm to the touch and I never wanted to let go but I had to, she stepped back and disappeared into her room and I had to make my way home and pick up after myself as a regular human being.