Clairvoyant Disease

Happy Birthday to Me! My head woke up screaming. I wished to turn over to my side and see Matt’s freckled back, to kiss all over it and have him make love to me early in the morning but I once again found myself in an empty bed. I was still at Issa’s. Two weeks ago Matt and I had the small breakdown in the hall, I had no other choice but to give him another chance mostly because my heart could not take another minute of me trying to tough it out.

Being in love is something that I thought would never happen to me, also, I never thought that I could really feel all of these things for someone who had hurt me so much but it’s real, it’s happening and he’s been very understanding and has kept the sweet words and visits to a minimum.

Too strong for too long (and I can’t be without baby)
And I’ll be waiting up until you get home (cuz I can’t sleep without you, baby,)
Anybody who’s ever loved yanno just what I feel,
Too hard to fake it, nothing can replace it,
Call the radio if you can’t be without your baby,

I involuntarily smiled before picking up the phone:

”hello?”

“good morning, birthday girl,” his voice was so low and raspy and sexy it made me squirm in place;

”good morning,”

“Happy birthday,”

“thank you very much. What you been up to?” I heard him yawn;

“sleeping,”

“you just woke up?”

“mh-hmm,” I bit my lip wanting nothing but to lay right next to him right now. I still remember the first time we slept together as adults. We had been bickering all day but the night had taken over and I just couldn’t go to sleep without saying good night to him, so I knocked at his door and went into his room where he was sitting on his bed, shirtless with the sheets covering his lap. He was watching TV but gave me his full attention when I tiptoed over the mess on the floor and reached him, kissing his cheek and giving into the hug he pulled me to, he muttered a good night with his hand still low on my back. When I was about to leave, he called me back because Stone Cold Steve Austin was taking Monday Night Raw and, of course, Stone Cold is everything, so for the next two hours we sat on his bed, munching on the candy he had hidden in his nightstand and watching the show. By the end of it I was cuddled up into his side and when I made a move to leave, in the most real and heartwarming way he asked me to stay, he promised it would be completely innocent and kept that promise. I spent the night with my head on his chest but I barely slept. The sugar rush and the shock of the situation made it impossible for me to get some shut-eye for majority of the night. I watched him sleep and noticed all those things that made him so beautiful and that I had never been able to notice before because he would make it too hard for me to be in his presence long enough.

”the first thing you did was call me? I feel very special,” he let out a soft chuckle;

”you are very special, Bee. You’re always on my mind before I fall asleep and in my dreams and as soon as I open my eyes, the only thing I’ve ever wanted was to hear your voice,” my heart skipped a bit and my eyes filled with tears of mixed feelings.

”Matt… that hurts a bit,”

“I know and I’m sorry. It’s hard for me to keep how much I love you to myself; I’ve been doing it for a while but it’s not easy for me either,”

“I know, Matt. I’m sorry,” I bit my lip to keep my emotions under control. On one hand I had the situation of him repeatedly screwing everything up and on the other hand I had the fact that he seemed to be truly in love and in pain because of me.

”don’t be sorry, baby. I made my bed,” he sighed the continued ”whatever about that, what are the birthday plans?”

“I have a photoshoot and then a meeting this afternoon, you know, just a regular day,”

“but it’s not a regular day, it’s a special day. Can I go over tonight? I wanna give you something I got for you,” that made me smile, he’s trying so hard;

”you didn’t have to get me anything,”

“yeah, I did. It wouldn’t feel like a real birthday, now would it?” I could see the smile on his gorgeous face ”by the way, I never got to thank you for such a great present. I love my watch,”

“I’m glad you do and you’re welcome.” I stripped my clothes off with him still on the phone. “I’m gonna take a shower-”

“hmm,” I barely even heard him;

”what?” I knew exactly what it was, there was no need to ask but I just wanted to see how far I could push him before he snapped, it sounds cruel but I know that if he snaps and gets close enough… I’ll let him because he is who he is and he’s damn good!

I heard him sigh before speaking ”it’s nothing,” even his voice had changed. I knew exactly what was going on in that room and I just wished to be there with him;

”are you sure, Matt?”

“yeah, I-I promised something to you, even if it kills me – and it is really killing me right now – I won’t let you down,” I bit my lip hard. His voice alone is sexually frustrating;

”I miss you, Matt. Like you have no idea,” I instantly cursed myself for saying that but there was no shame in telling the truth;

”I miss you, too. I miss every little thing about you, Carla,”

“I have to go, I’ll call you later,”

“yeah, I have to… get out of bed today,” we were both silent for a moment before he finally said the words that were dying to leave my lips ”I love you, Bee,”

”I love you, too, Matt,” I hung up before he could say something else.

I sat on the edge of the tub cursing myself for being so hardheaded. If I love him so much, if I want to be with him so bad, why am I here? I wished for him to just walk through the door in all his naked glory, I mean, he could be clothed but shit; I miss more than his kisses! The way he barely runs his fingertips over my skin, the way he kisses all over my body and when he finally gets to loving me… sometimes aggressive, sometimes gentle but he always shows that affection, that need for me. I sighed loudly and got in the tub, turning the shower on I prayed for the warm water to wash the need I felt for him away. I was succeeding, then I thought about those very crafty fingers of his’ that play me like a fine instrument, not even the beautiful sound of the piano or a guitar when he plays it could compare to the sounds that I made when he touched me. That was my cue to get dressed and leave for work, just to distract myself from my sinful thoughts.

Something stopped me as I dried myself in front of the mirror: what’s so special about her? I mean, I’m a fairly pretty girl… why’d he always want to kiss her and not me? Why did he run after her and let me slip away? I was beginning to see red. My mind had managed to fuck my day up! I couldn’t understand, my brain couldn’t figure out any more excuses for him… I was sweet, she was bossy; I was bright, she was slow as hell! I always tried to help him while she stepped all over him… I wanted to yell and destroy everything in sight but since I couldn’t, I did the next best thing, I cried.

I continued sobbing softly as I got dressed, did my hair but for my makeup I had no other choice than to get a grip on myself. I finally calmed down as I prayed the photo shoot was dark enough for me to show my true feelings and still look good.

Once in Griffith Park, LA, we hiked up to Royce Canyon where producers had gotten permission to shoot. There were walls made of thick fabric to reflect the light and keep park goers safe from my naked body, I mean, let’s face it, if I wanted to get arrested for indecent exposure I’d be having sex with my man on his Harley-Davidson, not posing naked in a family park. The photoshoot was very nature inspired, flower crown and all. My faces were extremely forced, I looked dead, I felt dead. All these issues with Matt made all insecurities come back, all those fears of not being good enough, all those thoughts of just giving up on everything and leaving it all behind, only God knows how many times I wanted to do that in school and as I grew older, they became stronger but I never did it, I couldn’t. My mother was left alone when my father died and Issa and I moved out. She’s battled depression and if one of us were too far away for too long, it could easily be the death of her. The afternoon rolled in and I went back to the apartment to get ready for the meeting. My stomach growled and I remembered that, aside from a massive cup of coffee and two bottles of water, I hadn’t eaten anything. I scavenged the fridge for food, feeling a bit more energetic than before.

“Carla!” Issa yelped confusing the living hell out of me “weren’t you going straight to the meeting?” this bitch thinks she can actually hide something from me;

“I want to change and eat, can I?”

“dude, of course. Um, I- um, I’m so tired,” she sat at the island;

“you’ve done absolutely nothing all day long. When I left you were still sleeping,” I spread mayo on two slices of whole wheat bread;

“maybe that’s it, I’ve been too sedentary. I think I should go to the gym or something,” I cocked an eyebrow. Really? That’s what she wants to do? The laziest human being on this planet, wants to work out?

“Is, are you ill?” I leaned over the island to check her fever, she quickly batted my hand away;

“fuck off! I’m serious, I need to change a few things about my life,”

“true, you need to get laid more often,” her face was simply priceless;

“says the woman that has wet dreams,” I laughed;

“it’s not like I can help it, after you’ve been through what I’ve been through it’s like a disease.”

“ew! I don’t want to think about Matt boning you,” I sighed;

“neither do I,” we laughed together for a moment before she screamed making me turn around quickly searching for the human sized bug that was sneaking up behind me or the fire that had engulfed the entire kitchen or any other fucking reason that could make her scream like an idiot;

“today’s your birthday! Happy birthday!” she jumped over the island and hugged me tackling me to the floor.

“oh my God, you fucking idiot, thank you!” when I was on my feet I sat down to eat and went to get ready. After I had taken a shower I got redressed and we were on our way out when Brian barged into the apartment scaring the shit out of both of us;

“don’t you know how to knock?” Issa scorned;

“I don’t have to – happy birthday!” he gave me a tight hug before handing me a box wrapped beautifully in clear gift paper.

“aww thanks!” I unwrapped it just to realize the box in its entirety was made of milk chocolate “oh my God!” I squealed and lifted the fragile top to find it filled to the top with strawberries, bananas and marshmallows all covered in different types of chocolate. “you do know how much I love you, right?”

“I have an idea,” he smiled before hugging me again;

“okay, we have to go! We’re going to be late!” Issa pulled on my hand “Bri, just make yourself at home,”

“yeah yeah, I always do,” once Issa had pulled me to the elevator, she turned;

“I forgot my wallet, I’ll be right back,” she ran back to the apartment and came back half a minute later, with a flushed look on her face and barely any lipstick on her lips. I couldn’t help but to speculate what had happened inside the apartment but it couldn’t be true, she would most certainly tell me;

We got in my SUV and left. The ride to the restaurant was silent. She re-did some of her makeup and casually sang along with the pop songs that played in the radio, my mind was with Matt. I haven’t heard from him since this morning. I wanted to call him but I also knew that it would be pushing limits from this side and encouraging him to do it from the other side. After the meeting with our producer and boss along with the other eight girls that would be joining us onstage, they brought out a cake and sang happy birthday to me. They wanted to continue the party elsewhere in a club of LA but I had to go back. Matt told me that he would go over and I just couldn’t stand another second of not looking into those gorgeous hazel eyes and being in those muscular tattooed arms of his’ even if just for a minute.

In the apartment we found Brian watching TV by himself.

“about fucking time!” he got up and brought the box out of the fridge;

“you were not waiting for me to take one,”

“yes I was! They are yours,” I rolled my eyes;

“you’re an idiot!” I shoved him “did Matt come over?” he shook his head;

“was he supposed to?”

“he said he would,” I took a milk and white chocolate covered strawberry and took a bite from it.

“did the guys call you today?” Issa wondered;

“yeah, very randomly throughout the day. Even Michelle did,” I turned to Brian who simply pretended to not hear anything as he poured some wine into a glass and went back to the living room. I could see the green monster in Issa’s eyes and smiled wickedly, I so wish they would just give into this. They care so much for one another and they do spend almost every second together. Maybe their fear of ending up like Matt and I is what holds them back, in which case, I can’t judge them.

“c’mon let’s take a picture, one for the albums of another great birthday,” I pulled Issa into the living room and practically threw her onto Brian who had, thankfully, placed his glass on the end table. She laughed and slipped her cellphone out of her pocket. “dude, I have an extremely good camera, why would I want a pic from that blurry piece of shit you have?” I shook my head;

“bitch take that back, this takes great pictures! At least for what I want them, they’re perfectly fine,”

“not for printing, that’s what I want,” I began my way to my room. I opened my door already bringing my phone out of my purse, unable to spend one more second without knowing why he hadn’t been over already. When I turned on the light, though, my heart simply skipped a beat…