Clairvoyant Disease

I woke up around 10:30 the next morning, there was a note on my dresser that informed me that Issa had a photoshoot and an audition so she’d probably be gone all day. I took a warm long shower and thought about my conversation with Matt the night before. Telling him I would be going back is big enough but actually doing it is a huge leap of faith and then there’s that clause that kept me from just jumping right into it. I know that he’ll get everything in record time, he wants me back that much but to be honest, it’s only a matter of time before something else comes our way and I’ll be back to square one. I want to be by his side on square one, fight all past demons together.

I got dressed and sped out of the apartment, if there’s anything I hate is being here alone. Weird how I can’t stand being in a three bedroom apartment but I can be in a five bedroom house all by myself without a problem.

I went to BEBA Beauty salon aka my happy place. Hair, nails, facial, the works. I needed to completely forget about Val. I know I’m better looking than her, I’m definitely sweeter than her and Matt loves me not her so I should trust him. If I say that enough times, I might believe.

I changed my hair color and style, making it a dark honey and a few inches shorter. I wanted to look different, not for him, but for me. He doed make it impossible for me to trust him from time to time. For instance, I’ve been calling since the moment I woke up which means I’ve called him about 25 times already; I even left him text messages but nothing, he’s M.I.A. and it’s starting to worry me.

I decided to go back home, I was tired of waiting and I needed to find him. Just as I turned into our street, there she came in a beat up Hyundai. She smirked and threw her car at me, out of shock I swerved driving into the bushes at the side of the street and stopping just inches away from a tree.

I gripped the steering wheel confused and angry.

“fuck!” I yelled punching the warm windshield, breaking it instantly. My hand wouldn’t soon forgive me for it nor would I forgive myself. I’ve always hated that Matt took all his anger out on everything he found around him, so doing it myself, although relieving, it’s stupid. I couldn’t feel the pain but my knuckles were bloody enough to need, at least, a few butterfly stitches. Someone knocked on my glass my latino-licious neighbor, Alejandro, stood there with concern written over his tanned face. I sighed and rolled down the glass.

Now the story behind Alejandro, he’s Puerto Rican, 26, photographer and chases ass, majorly for a living. Has been hitting on me since he moved here a year and a half ago. I flirted, of course, but being in my celibacy phase, I never gave in:

“Carla, are you okay?” his heavy accent made even those words sexy;

“yeah, I-I’m fine,”

“what a bitch! Do you know that chick?” he asked;

“um, yeah, she’s after Matt, thinks I’m in the way,” I lied, yeah. I wasn’t going to say that I was with him, for multiple reasons:

One: He would say anything to get ass, even lie and get Matt in a shit hole,

Two: I haven’t been around for a while, I need to know what’s been really going on,

“That’s why you moved?” he asked folding his muscly arms on the frame;

“nah, I just needed my own place,” I was flirting in all ways possible, sticking my belly in, pushing my breast out and batting my eyelashes furiously and I regret nothing;

“well, I’ve seen that girl around here a lot lately. She’s always honking it up in front of your house or waiting at the other side of the street. I think she’s stalking him…”

“does he ever come out?” I asked casually;

“yeah, they argue, she hugs him even kissed him once. I was heading out and nearly ran him over. He pushed her so hard that if her car had not been behind her, she would’ve fallen on her skinny behind,” I chuckled; “but we all know how that goes, maybe she’s the one he really wants but he pushes her away to not admit it,” he said and I knew what would come next, he told me exactly what I did with him, if only he knew;

“to then fall all over her, right?”

“uhum,” he nodded “well, mama. I’m late for work, I’ll see you around,” he kissed my cheek and walked away. I pulled out of the bushes and continued down the street to my old house. There was his GMC parked on the driveway. She was probably with him, that’s why he hasn’t answered!

Rage didn’t let me see clear and I didn’t even try to wander so I didn’t stop. I sped back to the apartment and rushed upstairs. I walked past Issa and into my room where I fell on the bed crying yet again. This man has turned me into a weak shadow of what I always was and that angers me more than the constant humiliation he puts me through.

Finally, I stopped bawling and tended to my injured hand before taking a shower. I need to move the fuck on. I need to find my own place, continue working and hit the dating scene because I know I will never be happy with Matt, I might as well try to be calm with someone else. Another load of shit that I won’t neither believe nor do.

I got out and dressed comfortably and went to the living room. I was determined not to jump into more conclusions. My mood swings and lack of good decisions were giving me migraines and massive anxiety attacks that I hadn’t gotten since high school.

On one hand Matt was the one, on the other hand he was also the one, only on this side he was the one that wanted to see me miserable every single day of my life.

So I sat there, waiting to confront him, cigarette after cigarette while watching X3. Finally there was a knock on the door, I didn’t even turn, I just didn’t want to snap at him before hearing his side of the story, if anything to give him the benefit of the doubt. When my mind went back to her and the thought of them together alone in my house, I jumped off the couch and stomped back to my room falling head first into my bed.

The door slowly cracked open as I sniffed my tears away;

“Bee, what’s wrong?” he asked sitting on the bed and pulling me up with ease “what’d I do?” he was so helpless it saddened me, “what happened to your hand?” he took my hand in his’ and examined it, red and swollen knuckles with a few gashes tightly shut with white tape.

“punched the windshield of my car,”

“that answers my other question. Now, what’s wrong? Why’d you do that?” he asked pulling me onto his lap. I couldn’t take it, the thought of her, drove me mad! I stood from him, wiping what was left of my tears.

“I went home, Matt. I was willing to forget about the broken shit but I didn’t even get there because I found Val and she threw her car at me and I nearly crashed into a tree,” I was so angry that I couldn’t control the volume of my voice. I pressed my forehead to the cool wood of the closed door before shaking my head in silent defeat “I’m finding it really hard to trust you and it’s even worse when I go through that and I go by our house and see that you were right there. Was she with you?” I asked and he shook his head with an oblivious look on his face;

“no,” I wasn’t going to believe it just like that “I haven’t been home since 9am, I took my bike to Zacky’s and I spent majority of the day there. Ask him,”

“I called you like 30 times,”

“my phone’s dead, I forgot to plug it in last night,” he pushed me down and laid beside me to hold me close to his body;

“Matt, I’m sorry, okay? I just, I don’t want to be all jealous with you. I-I can’t fucking stand the thought of her! It drives me crazy and after everything that has happened I can’t control it,” he kissed my shoulder gently;

“I know baby, it’s alright just don’t do shit like that anymore, look at your hand, you could’ve broken it,” he said holding it before kissing it softly;

“yes sir,”

“and I like your hair,” he said sweetly, I can’t believe he noticed it, “you know how it would look even better?” he asked against my neck;

“messy?” I practically moaned, he chuckled before kissing my lips;

“that too but in the wind it would look pretty decent,” he said running his finger through my hair “let’s go for a ride…