Clairvoyant Disease

Once in the safety and comfort of my grey Range Rover I sighed. I stared at the house in front of me, it is so beautiful and I've gotten so used to it. Am I really ready to run away from it? I pulled out of the driveway and headed towards the Downtown L.A. area. First stop: Café Metropol in the Arts District. Breakfast couldn't be better than quietly and surrounded by beautiful L.A. people. Second stop: the Verizon store in the Financial District, there I got my new LG Dare smartphone and instantly dialed Issa's phone number for some much needed ranting, of course letting the part of my wet dream and sexual frustration caused by my asshole of a housemate out.

"yes?" she sounded so happy it kinda freaked me out;

"dude! The shit has hit the ceiling! I am done!"

"ugh, what now? Yeah, I know, I kinda interrupted him like three times this morning, the last time he didn't even bother keeping the girl's mouth shut, still. It couldn't have been that bad!"

"he called me a hooker in front of a real one, can you believe that? The man randomly picks her up and brings her home and doesn't even know what she is!" Issa laughed loudly;

"that man has issues, Carlee! You know that he's running from a relationship, he's fucking afraid of them, this is his only way to get his fix,"

"I don't care why he does it! I only care about the way he humiliates me constantly, I dunno if I can take it anymore, it's no longer home for me-"

"it's never been home!" she yelled cutting me off "he never wanted you to move in with him, he wanted to hide away from everybody in HB and that included you because you always remind him of the worst mistake he's ever made! The fact that he keeps coming back for you whenever he's pushed the limit too far is that he feels responsible for everything and anything that happens to you, it's the guilt within him it's not that he cares that much, I felt my eyes water, my heart fell to my stomach… to know it is one thing, to hear my best friend and sister say it, it's completely different "I'm sorry if I'm being harsh. I told you to move in with me, you have a room in my apartment, you have your own parking, you would have your own life! That was the idea from the beginning, from the moment we decided that we were leaving HB, I don't even know how it happened that you ended up with him," that calmed me down. She doesn't know how Matt and my relationship is behind closed doors.

When he first moved to L.A. and bought the house; he stayed there, alone in an unfurnished home for days. I hadn't heard from him, none of us had. So I went, found him in a corner of what was supposed to be the living room eating Chinese take out in the dark. We talked about everything and anything that came to mind and ended up cuddling ourselves to sleep. The next day he admitted that he couldn't do it alone, that he needed me. He repeated it so much than when the house was fully furnished and decorated he told me that it wasn't the end of it, he needed me there for everything else as well. Yes, we bickered and yelled for the longest of times while working on the house but the result was so wonderful that it made it worth it. That's how I ended up with a room and a housemate.

I never told anyone, mostly because he is so proud, the last thing I need is to argue about something that happened two years ago.

"Is, it's a long story-"

"yes, a long story that you do not feel like talking about, that has no point and affects no decision you make now. I know the drill and I'm sure you know mine, if you want to continue your miserable and loveless life inside that house… be my guest, just don't complain about it, stop acting like a little bitch," I so wanted to shove my fist into the phone;

"I call you to bent and this is how you help me! You bitch! I'm gonna go shopping and you can kiss my ass cuz I'm not inviting you!"

"like I need you to invite me, I'm getting felt up by a pair of strong manly hands and you're interrupting me, so bye," I chuckled confused and shocked, who the fuck is she with?

It may sound like we have a lot of issues, but we don't. I somewhat understand her concern for me and her annoyance at the fact that I am somewhat a masochist. Still, to not see him every day… to not wake him up when he needs to be in the studio or has a rehearsal or has a bus waiting for him, those mornings when he's alone in his room and I run my fingers through his hair and his hazel eyes lock with mine and we stare into the others as if nothing else matters… what would I do without those moments?

My body ached for something to release all the pressure and that something is needles and ink so I headed towards Evermore Tattoo on Washington Boulevard and walked in. Zack Taylor was sitting behind the computer; he smiled looking up at me;

"long time, no see, Ms. Banes," he smiled standing up to hug me;

"I know, I haven't felt very… yanno, up to it lately, I need to get something done, though…"

"you need?" he cocked a brow making me smile;

"I do…" for two and a half hours I laid on my back as he tattooed five French words under my navel. Right where Matt lips had once kissed:

Me détester pour vous aimer

I Hate Myself For Loving You

It was meaningful; it is about my relationship with him. It is true that I am far gone when it comes to him, I adore him and every stupid thing he does, of course that does not involve another woman. He has always been my savior, but he doesn't realize that regularly he destroys my feelings but he has taken care of me for so long in so many other ways. He could never see me as the only one for him, though. He has never cared so much, maybe Marissa is right and he doesn't care about me at all. It was a rollercoaster of pros and cons that made me dizzy in a matter of seconds. I stared at the reflection of the tattoo for a moment. If he could understand it and change it all? I shook my head and smile;

"it's exactly how I pictured it," I hugged him. I thanked him and paid and left the shop to continue with my day. We were asked to do a segment for the Spike Scream Awards. Ten suicide girls were to stand on the stage to be chosen by a birthday boy who would get the dance of his life during one of the performances. Of course, we’re models of soft-core porn not strippers, but they did call the bests and the ones that were not afraid of taking the role.

I had to look my best that night. The chances of Matt asking me to be his date, because he would perform in the show, are slim to none. Given, we’re months away from it, but I’m not getting my hopes up and because of my anxiety issues, I force myself to get ready for event likes these with enough time to change my mind a few times.

Once I was done shopping I went back home. I had a photoshoot in the backyard so I had to do all my things, like work out, have lunch and what not before making sure that the place was perfect to park my boss’ lambo.

I parked in the driveway, Matt’s SUV wasn’t there where it had been this morning so it was safe to say that he wasn’t home, which is actually better, I don’t want to be alone with him. I’ve gotten to a point that I don’t even trust myself. I grabbed my bags and zipped my pants halfway closed so that they wouldn’t fall on my way to the door but wouldn’t break the saran wrap covering my sore skin. I walked inside and punched the code of the alarm system.

13-08-31-07

When he told me that was the code, I overthought it to a point that it almost hurt. He thought of me, I was on his mind when he changed the code that Alarm Company had set. Still, it is not enough. It is never enough. I dropped the bags on a chair by the front door and continued my way to my room. I unbuttoned my shirt on my way to the hall. This house always feels like an oven, the man cannot turn the air conditioner to save his life. As I took my boots off I turned the dial of the air conditioner down to 50. That would chill the house a bit at least until he got back. I left my shoes right where I had taken them off, that would give us a reason to bicker at each other tonight, at least I could manage to put him in such a bad mood he decides to stay in and write his anger away instead of going out and finding another random girl.

I continued the way to my room, already slipping my shirt off my shoulders. Completely lost in my thoughts I approached his door and gasped when it flew open and he sped walked out and right into me.

He held himself up and over me, one of his legs between mine and his eyes dead set on my face.

“Matt,” I didn’t want it to sound so good. I didn’t mean for it to be a sigh, as if he was all I wanted to see;

“yeah?” his voice tone’s had gone down enough to show that he was as shocked as me about the way I said his name. I needed to recover my strength, but he smelled so good. That stupid after shave and that stupid glint in his greenish eyes… fuck-my-life! “why are you shirtless?” he beat me to the first word;

“thought I was alone, I’m gonna work out,” I sounded so nervous and unsure and stupid! I wanted to beat the crap out of myself, he smiled and licked over his lips kneeling up but still holding my arms against the floor;

“get the fuck off me!” he chuckled and got me up. Still we kneeled on the floor where he held me close to his body, and just like that he stood up taking me with him.

“can I help you work out?”

“you’re a dick,” I tried to push him away. Still he stared at me, his face serious but not angry. I believe he was thinking, maybe a come-back at my insult… maybe some way of actually getting into my pants… the world may never know. I cocked an eyebrow looking into his empty eyes. He snapped out of his trance and smirked before slightly pushing me into the wall.

“C’mon Carlee, you want me, I want you, why don’t we put all the shit that has happened in the past and start with a new slate?” he brushed the hair out of my face with the back of his hand and leaned in to kiss my bare shoulder. My eyes fluttered shut and I held my breath to suppress the moan threatening to escape. Unfortunately, there was no way to hide the goose bumps that erupted all over my skin and the joy my heart felt when he said he wanted me.

For a moment I thought about his newest idea. It could be the greatest idea he’s ever had but he’s most likely to fuck my brain out then move on to the next girl with a deathbat tattoo or a pair of double D’s, which, by the way, I don’t have.

“we can’t do that, ” I said and pushed him until his lips had parted my skin. “we’ve gone down that road before and someway somehow got lost in the way back to the friendship we once had, everything turned out worse” he closed his eyes for a moment and dropped his head, does this actually hurt him? “besides, Matt. Technically, it is not a bad idea, but it’s not very realistic. You don’t want me as much as you say…”

“I do,” he looked into my eyes again;

“Really? How much do you want to be with me that you bring a new girl home every night?” he had an answer for everything so I had to stop him before he tried again to convince me. Part of me not trusting myself means that if he tries hard enough, eventually, I’ll cave in. “please, save it,” I lifted my hand “if you really want me, show it, I dunno try to get our friendship back or something, you’re a bright guy, figure it out,” I pushed him and continued my way to my room;

“wait,” he grabbed my hand “what do you want?” he emphasized the word you. He’s sure of what he wants. For a moment, he seemed hopeless, he was practically begging for me to love him;

“I want peace, I want to be the light in eyes of a man who won’t make me compete with other women, a man that will treat me like I am the best in this world and not a useless piece of meat that can be easily replaced, that’s what I want,” he seemed out of breath. I had never seen him so unsure;

“you are the best, the fucking best at everything, but what’s the point in knowing the best when you can’t have it?” I was frozen. He wasn’t trying to get me into bed anymore, his tone and the shade of his eyes would be different if he had. He was trying to get me to understand, I just don’t get what it is that I’m supposed to understand. He sighed exasperated and turned on his heel to walk away and stop whoever it was outside from honking the horn dead…