Finding Light

She was dead. She was gone and she wasn't coming back.

Ramona Cool was trying to grasp the reality of her situation that warm June night when, without reason, she began to shiver. Because to Ramona, she wasn't dead at all, she was sound asleep in the room across the hall, just like she would have been any other night for the last 12 years.
Ramona closed her eyes and pretended that the last couple of days were all a dream, or a nightmare to say the least. In her heart and mind she pretended that when she woke up the next morning that she would be there, smiling and watching the Today Show. She'd be sipping coffee and making fun of Matt Lauer's hair, or lack thereof.

But When Ramona wok up the next day to sunlight streaming through the curtains and an empty silence filling the apartment, her heart sank and she began to sob.

***
Lisea Lyon's funeral was held on June 23 in upstate New York, the same town she had grown up in, the same town Ramona loved to visit when she was a little girl.

A small group of friends and family was gathered in the cemetery that blustery morning for the ceremony, listening quietly as the minister spoke. Ramona focused on the grass beneath her feet, letting the words soak into her mind.

"What causes a person to commit such an act is beyond my imagination," He said gently, but loud enough for everyone to hear. "We can only pray that now, she's in a better place, a happier place, than she was while she was among us."

Ramona looked up and took notice of the people surrounding her. She fist saw Billie Joe, who had his hand clasped tight with the hand of his wife of fifteen years, Adrienne. Beside them stood Joey, a spitting image of his father, standing with a solemn look on his face. The only member of the Armstrong family that was missing was Jakob, who was forced to stay home due to a nasty case of food poisoning.

Across from Ramona stood Mike Dirnt and his wife Holly, Mike's head was bowed down and Holly slowly rubbed his back as if she was trying to soothe him.
Ramona continued to glance around at the small group of friends and family, her ears still hanging on to the Minister's every word.

Finally she looked up at her father, who stood silently beside her, his eyes hard with a seriousness that she rarely saw. She tried to picture the last time she had seen him like this. The only memory that came to mind was the day her Mother had told him she was moving back to New York. Ramona was only 3 at the time but she remembers it perfectly; He looked like his heard had just been broken.

Beside Ramona's father stood Eliot, Tré Cool's girlfriend of two years. She was a beautiful woman, with natural black hair and blue eyes that would have challenged Sinatra's. Eliot held onto Tré's hand so tightly, Ramona could see the white on her knuckles.
Ramona turned her attention back to the ceremony, letting the emotions around her soak into her every pore as she stared at her mother's grave and the bouquets of flowers surrounding it.
'She's dead,' the thought burned Ramona's brain 'She's gone.'

***

When the funeral services were done, other the small cluster of people gathered in the parking lot to wish well before departing back to their homes, back to their lives.
Tré Cool's hand which had remained on the small of his daughter's back was only removed when Mike and Billie Joe individually pulled him into a hug, the kind you only see between the best of friends.
Everyone fussed over Ramona, squeezing her tight and whispering soothing words into her ear. Ramona had somehow been able to keep a strong face so far, holding her father's hand for support.

Adrienne was the last to come over to her. Adrienne was Ramona's God Mother, a woman she had known literally since birth. She was also Lisea's best friend. Adrienne gave a weak smile as she approached the 15 year old. Ramona noticed right away how her usually bright brown eyes were rimmed with tears as she brushed Ramona's strawberry hair away from her face.

"Sweetie I'm so sorry," she murmured before pulling her so close that Ramona could smell her flowery perfume mix with the fruity smell of her shampoo.

Ramona clung to the older woman as if her life depended on it, letting out a sob that was muffled by Adrienne's black dress. Adrienne was always like a second mother to the teenager and now Ramona felt as if she was her only one left.

"She loved you so much," Adrienne whispered into her ear. "None of this was your fault. None." Adrienne kissed her cheek as she pulled away, revealing that she too, was now crying.

"C'mon sweetie," Tré said quietly, rubbing his daughter's shoulder, his eyes clouded by tears, "Let's go,"

Ramona nodded, and said goodbye to the Armstrong's before the three of them loaded into the back of the car. Tré solemnly instructed the driver where to go before turning to his daughter who sat beside him in tears.

"Ramona," he soothed, wrapping his arms around her in a tight embrace and burying his head into her soft hair.
Ramona could feel Eliot's hand as she quietly rubbed the girl's back as well as the wetness of her father's tears against her scalp as he gently cradled her.
Murmuring softly, "Mona, Mona, Mona."

--

Billie Joe let out a small chuckle as he observed his son, who was sound asleep on the pull out couch. Joey's mouth was wide open and his limbs were spread out, causing both his arms to hang over the edge of the mattress.

Adrienne appeared from the bathroom after brushing her teeth and stood next to Billie Joe. She gave a weak smile as she watched her oldest sleep.
"God, he looks just like you," she acknowledged, glancing up at her husband before looking back to Joey. "But he's had a long day." She concluded as she began to crawl into the queen-sized bed.

Billie Joe followed close behind her, "We all did," he said with a sigh.

Adrienne fell silent as a small gust of wind blew through the open window of the small Bed & Breakfast they were staying in for the night.
Billie Joe, knowing something was wrong, rubbed her knee affectionately, "How are you holding up?" he asked quietly.

Adrienne shook her head and leaned up against him; Billie Joe wrapped his arms around his wife and kissed the top of her dark hair.
"I just don't understand," she started, taking a shuddery breath before continuing, "Why'd she do it?" she asked, acting as if her husband knew the answer.

Billie Joe held her close as a tear fell down her ivory cheek.
"Baby, I wish I knew the answer," he whispered. "I wish I knew why anyone would do that," He kissed her temple and was quiet for a moment, "All we can do is keep going on with our lives, and move on. That's what we have to do, that's what Lisea would have wanted us to do."

Adrienne nodded, tears still streaking down her face. She let out a muffled sniffle.
"I just feel like, I could have prevented it you know? If I called her more often or asked how everything was. Maybe if I had made the effort she wouldn't have... "

"No," Billie interrupted her sternly, "Nothing could have prevented this. Don't place the blame on yourself Adie, because once you start blaming yourself for someone's death there's no turning back. Understand?"

Adrienne nodded, but it didn't rid her mind of the guilt she felt. Part of her knew it wasn't her fault but part of her knew she could have stopped this before it was too late.

But it was too late, and Adie knew there was no turning back.