Sparkling Grey

"Bill, please," Charlotte mumbled softly, "don't look at me."

My arms were around her shoulders as she cried. Her hands were pale, along with the rest of her body, but I didn't care. I held her tightly. She turned her head away from me slowly, I knew she was in pain, shook off my arm and covered her face. I glanced at my wife sadly.

"Charlotte, no. Why are you saying that?" I asked gently, reaching out and running a hand over her arm. She ignored my touch and continued to cry hopelessly. It's been so long, and she seems to be getting weaker with every breath she takes. I don't know how much longer it can go on like this.

"Charlotte, what's wrong?"

She shook her head feebly, taking her hands away. She needed help to sit up, so I didn't want to let her go. She looked at me for a second, and then looked away again. I tried to take her hand then, but I guess I shouldn't have.

"Bill, ju- just stop it!" She exploded suddenly.

"Why are you still here!? How can you stand this, I'm hopeless! It's too late and we both know it." She cried, placing a hand on her arm. When she removed it minutes later, I noticed that he had dug her nails into it. Charlotte closed her eyes then, and rested her head on her pillow. I suppose she was in pain.

"The chemo isn't working; I'm not going to get better..."

I shook my head, taking her hand again. I turned to face her completely. To my surprise she looked up at me. "Look, do you really want to know why I'm still here?" I asked seriously. She glared at me with tear filled eyes, but nodded.

"I'm here because I love you. No matter where we go from here, whether you get better... or not, I'm going to be here with you every single step of the way." I said softly, barely above a whisper.

"I need you, our son needs you, and I know you can't do this alone. We'll never leave you, I know what I vowed and I'm sticking to it. Remember Charlotte, ‘Til death do us part'."

Just the thought of Charlotte leaving me forever, honestly, it scared me. I've been with her for as long as I can remember, it was all I know. She just had to get better, I wouldn't be able to go on without her by my side, but I know she was fighting; she didn't want to leave us. When I looked at her, I could see that she was in pain, it killed me. But the fact that she didn't tell me, killed me even more.

It hurts, not being able to do anything but sit back and watch. It wasn't fair, it was now my job to be strong all the time, because Charlotte couldn't, and our son can't handle that. They depended on me, and I couldn't show a sign of weakness. I don't want to let them or myself down.

"Bill... I- I love you too, b- but I don't know how much lo- longer I can do this." She whimpered.

I shook my head helplessly, I knew I couldn't stay strong for much longer. Through everything, all the pain, I've never heard her talk like this before. "Please, don't say that... Just keep fighting it." I pleaded, her hands starting to shake as she closed her eyes once again.

"I'm tired." She said after a long silence. I knew what she meant by that, and I couldn't allow her. She held out her hand for me, silently asking me to help her up. I did as she asked, placing my arms around her again. I loved her so much, and if I were to lose her now... I'm not sure I want to keep on living.

I looked at her, even when she was sick; she was the most beautiful thing on earth. I've been spending all my time with her lately, doing nothing but taking care of her. She seemed so helpless, and I could tell she hated it. If I could take her place right now, I would, she didn't deserve this. She yelled at me, or tried to, back when she wasn't as weak, telling me that I had other responsibilities.

But all I wanted to do was be with her, she was my life.

"I'll miss you, Bill. You know that, don’t you?" She whispered her voice cracking. "And I'll take care of you. I'm going to watch over you every day. " I knew what was happening now, and no one could stop it. As she looked up at me, her eyes told the story. "I- I love you Charlotte." I whispered, crying now. I saw no point in being strong anymore. She lifted her hand and put it on my cheek softly.

"Don't cry Bill, you know you can go on without me, you have so much to live for." She whispered, "But I want you to take care of our family, all right? An- and when our son is older... Tell him how much I loved him... But please don't cry for me."

"It's happening, isn't it?"

She nodded weakly. "It's coming... I can feel it." She said as she lay down again. She pulled me slightly, making me lie down beside her. We stared at the ceiling, her hand in mine. I could feel her grip weakening, but I refused to let go as the minutes passed slowly.

"You'll always be with me, you're the love of my life, and I will never forget you." I watched her lips start to move soundlessly, as if she was praying. I watched her as she whispered inaudibly.

"Bill..." Her voice was quiet, but she was speaking to me again, I almost didn't hear. "Bill, I'm sorry." I shot up straight, tears running down my cheeks furiously.

"I'll miss you, but I promise... I'll meet you again, when it's my time. Please, remember the love we shared, remember me..." She was peaceful, and I felt all the strength leave her hand, I knew she was gone. And I was no longer whole.

I sat on our bed staring at the person I loved, the one I couldn't live without, but now, I have to go on without her. I still held her, I refused to let go, I wasn't ready, but it was something that had to be done. The sun was setting; it was the most beautiful sight in the world. Charlotte and I waited for it everyday, she loved it, that's why I always kept the curtains open, and it was the one thing she looked forward to every day.

My tears never stopped, because I knew this was something I would never get over. Because now she's gone, and she was never coming back. I'll never be able to hold her again, or kiss her and I'll never be able to tell her I love her, or hear how she tells me. Even if things could just stay the way they are now, even that would be better than pretending that I'm fine.

I leaned down and kissed her head. Her body was still warm, but I knew it wasn't going to stay that way forever.

My wife was dead, gone. It seems like it will never sink in, and then maybe when I would wake up, Sam would be lying next to me. And everything would be fine again, she wouldn't be sick, but we would be happy, as a family. We always said we would be together forever; it looks like forever was cut short because now I was alone.

I guess there is no such thing as a 'happily ever after' or at least, not a permanent one. My hands were running over Charlotte's cheeks, knowing that I'll never be able to touch her again. "Char... I love you. I always have and I always will. You have my heart, but now, I don't know what to do next or where to go..."

If she were still here, I knew what she's say. And no matter how much I would try to disagree, she would always be right. I closed my eyes, letting go of her for a second. In my head, there was a picture of us, right after our wedding years ago when we managed to sneak away unnoticed.

We were sitting under a big oak tree, her head on my lap. She looked so beautiful that day, even more than usual, I fell for her all over again as she smiled up at me. She was going to be with me forever, now that we were married, things would only get better. She closed her eyes suddenly, still smiling slightly. "Bill, can I tell you something, just in case I never get the chance again?" She asked softly. I was stroking her hair gently, but stopped to give her a confused look.

"Okay..." I answered.

"If I die before you do... Will you promise me, no matter how hard it'll be, that you'll carry on just like you do everyday. Breathe, smile, laugh..." She said thoughtfully. I leaned down to kiss her head, my smile never fading. I couldn't think about death on our wedding day, not on the happiest day of my life.

"Fine, I promise.” I said laughing.

I didn't know that it was a promise I would break easily. I couldn’t breathe without her, I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to wake up alone; I didn’t want to go through every day knowing that she’s not with me. I stood up from the bed, walking towards the window. I couldn’t see the sun anymore, but it wasn’t dark enough to see the moon either. There were only a few stars in the clear sky, shining dimly.

I closed my eyes. Charlotte was there now… Up in the sky, that’s what I believed. She was an angel.

“To me, you’ll be forever sacred…” I whispered, placing my hands on the cold glass. I turned around, leaning against the wall of our bedroom, looking at Charlotte. I now realize how much I truly loved her, and I regret everything I did to her. I never meant to hurt her, and I wish I could have let her know, I wish I said all those things I never did. She knew I loved her, but she never knew how much, and until today, neither did I.

I wanted to kiss her, wrap her in my arms, but I wasn’t going to. I was alone, and yet, she was still here with me. Her body, her soul has left me forever, her heart stopped beating. I wish I could take a knife and stab it through my heart, and then I could join her. But in the back of my mind was a picture of the family we shared, reminding me that I did have something to live for, they needed me. But our son needs a mother too, he needed Charlotte.

The house was quiet now, it seemed so unnatural. I could hear nothing except my own breathing, and I wish I could stop. I didn’t bother switching on the light, darkness didn’t bother me anymore. I didn’t notice that the room was almost pitch-black, the sun set quickly, but my eyes adjusted. I didn’t feel the need to move, I didn’t see the point in anything anymore. The darkness kept me awake, for I knew if I fall asleep, I would have to face the disappointment of waking up alone. If I stayed awake, that wouldn’t happen.

My head shot up to the bedroom door when I heard ghostly soft footsteps echoing through the apartment. I felt myself slide down to the floor, not wanting to see who it was. I couldn’t handle that. There will so many questions that I couldn’t answer. The footsteps only got louder and I wanted to run and hide, honestly, I was scared to face my friends and family.

The doorknob started to turn slowly. I listened for voices, but there were none. I didn’t remember switching on the light, it means whoever it was must’ve switched it on; I didn’t lock the front door either, making it easy for anyone to enter. I buried my face in my hands as the light was switched on, I had gotten used to the dark.

The footsteps became even louder as they got closer. Out of curiosity, I lifted my head to look at them. They weren’t looking at me, but at the frail figure of Charlotte on the bed, I could tell they sensed something was wrong. The first sound I heard were another pair of feet landing on the floor. Our son was running towards his mother’s body, tears already welling up in his brown eyes.

“Mommy?” he screamed, hysteria rising in his voice. I watched them as they turned to me, I could feel I was still crying. My face told them everything.

”Oh my gosh…” Tom breathed, his eyes widening in disbelief. I watched the warm droplets stain his wide shirts almost instantly as the wind blew into the room. The darkness took over once again minutes later.