Dare to Stand Out!

Can you believe that I today shall watch The Used perform live! I shall be at the same place as my hero, Bert McCracken!
It is completely unbelievable; I cannot believe it is happening.
What if I was a little bit more like Bert: Not afraid to embarrass myself, not afraid to stand out and be visible. Just to be able to be crazy without caring what others might say and think.
I can visualize all the people’s face expressions if I one day would dress in colors instead of my usual grey tones.
How shocked everyone would have been if I no longer was a part of the wall with nothing inside me, but instead decided to be a proud and upright individual.

I want to break free from the compartment that I for so long have been isolated in.
I want to prove them wrong, that I am living my life and I am happy about it. I want to prove that I enjoy every agonizing minute of it, every split-second and that I NEVER, NEVER, NEVER will give it up! I have so much left to prove, so much more to experience and so incredibly much more to give.
My feelings push against my insides and fight to get out. If I do not release my inner feelings, I will explode!

I cannot be a part of the wall anymore, I refuse!
I have to make people around me to notice me.
I do not want to be left alone once more, forgotten like a washed-out rag!
How many times have my inner being not shouted “My name is Brian and I am here too!
I have feelings and thoughts too!”, but my exterior has stayed silent?

But what if my color revolution would have the opposite effect and only make my time in the spotlight unbearable with possible wounding comments and closed fist punches?
Anything, anything is better than being a living dead, even that.

I have to do this for myself; I need this concert, this experience in order to be able to live again. It feels like as if my life has been put on hold, that I my entire life have been struggling to not drown in the water that I’m constantly treading on.

If I do not do this, the waves will drag me down to the deep. I can feel how they are pulling and tearing me, just to see me being dragged along like a helpless autumn leaf.

I have to focus like I have never focused before; I must fight like I have never fought before.
I need to get away from the stream and this is my only chance.
The Used is the one thing that has ever spoken to me and made me realize that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel.
They are coming to Gothenburg and so am I!

Bert is all that I want to be! I want to stand up for my rights and for the person that I am, to show the music that is living inside of me and to show in to the world.

Shall I now reveal my true colors that I have hid in a corner or continue in my effort of trying to fit in?

Here I am, all the way upfront in the middle of the stage by the small stage fence while waiting for The Used. A melody turns up in my thoughts and I start to sing, loud and clear can I hear my voice singing the words of I Caught Fire (In Your Eyes).
Around where I stand, I can hear the silence taking control for a couple of seconds for then to explode into singing with me.

The first tunes to Sun Comes Up streams through my ears before my eye realizes the atmosphere when Bert enters the stage and his melodic voice floats freely in the first harmonic words.
I feel how my heart starts beating faster and jumping over one beat when I notice that they are here, they are really here in front of me, or am I dreaming?
Maybe I fainted after the endless hours of queuing and waiting while being smothered?
Is it a hallucination? Because I can no longer sense my own body, I can no longer feel the pain that just a while ago was streaming through my body and taking its toll on me.
The pain in my ribs is banished, like as if pain and suffering never existed.

Suddenly the music quiets and I gaze out to the crowd, seeing myself standing in front of the stage and take off my black hoodie. I see my shirt glistening in the clearest orange in the middle of the dark crowd.

I hear Bert saying that he wants a person up onstage, and before I know it, he focuses his crystal blue eyes on me. As walking in slow motion, he comes towards me and stretches his hand out for me to reach and lifts me up on the stage.

He calls my name and says that I will be singing with him tonight, he knows that I can because he has heard it before.

I can feel how the tears are streaming down my cheeks when I hear the first tunes to The Taste of Ink before I fill my lunges with air and sing like I have never sung before.

My wildest fantasies, dreams and expectations came true tonight; everything is possible if you just believe. Who would have thought that I would stand side by side with Bert McCracken and sing the songs that I love, the music that makes me feel alive?
Not even I could have imagined this or even dare to think the thought…