Crash

I walked the hallways of my school the next day with an unnerving feeling at the pit of my stomach. I think it’s because I know that I’m going to have to see my new therapist later this afternoon. I know what anyone would think, why the hell would you go back there to see a guy that’s having an affair with your mother? But I need to go there, to ask questions, to figure out why the hell my mother decided it’d ever be a good idea to put me in the same room with that wretched man.

“Peyton?”

I turned around to see Tyler Harrison standing there, looking like hell. His hair looked completely dead, like it was hanging off his head completely limp. His eyes were sunken in, he seemed twitchy, his sickly thin frame even sicklier. Even me, who has seen many tweakers in my day, was surprised by his appearance.

“Tyler…” I replied. He stuffed his hands in his pockets and an uncomfortable smile formed at the side of his lips.

“I got kicked out of my parent’s house,” He stated. “They found meth in the compartment in my closet. Told me I could go to rehab or get out of the house. I think we both know which one I chose.” He laughed at this and then wiped his nose with his hand.

“Who have you been staying with?” I asked quietly, awkwardly. I mean, this guy was a total freak and I always thought it was kind of annoying how much he enjoyed following me around, but I couldn’t help but feel pity for him right now. He looked awful, like a lost puppy. And I was close with him at one point in time, even if it was just so I could get some drugs off of him.

“Friend’s houses, here and there,” He replied. He stepped closer to me, I didn’t react and just stayed where I was. I knew I couldn’t make any sudden movements to him right now, I didn’t know what he was on, I couldn’t do anything that he could consider threatening. There was no way in telling how he’d react. “Graduation is in three months, I’ll figure it out, get a job, move to some random shit state like Mississippi or something. I’ll figure it out.”

I didn’t really know what to say, and I didn’t really know exactly what he wanted me to say, so I just stood there. And then I realized, like a gigantic slap to my face, that I was no better than him. I was looking at him right now like he was some kind of freaking serpent, someone I could walk by on the street and feel better about my screwed up life by saying something like “Well, at least I’m not in his shoes. At least I’m not that fucked up.”
I was no better than him. I was just as messed up as he was.

“There’s nothing really wrong with me though,” Tyler continued. “I know that after I graduate I can get my shit together and really work on making things better. I’m fine.”

I wanted to say he wasn’t, but I just stayed silent.

“I’ll see you around, Peyton,” He said quietly. He stepped back a little and then turned around, but then stopped, and turned back around and walked back towards me. He grabbed both of my shoulders and leaned in slowly. He kissed my cheek, extremely close to my mouth, but not quite there. I tried not to react, and as he pulled away, I saw a tear fall on his cheek, he quickly wiped it off, nodded and then walked away as quick as possible. I stood, letting it soak in for a second, before taking a deep breath and walking to my next class.

“I didn’t really think you’d come back,” Dr. Barham stated, with honest surprise in the tone of his voice.

“I saw this kid today, Tyler Harrison. I gave him… well I gave him a hand job once for some pills about a year ago, and ever since he always seemed to follow me around. I think it was because I was the only who’d pay enough attention to him where he’d actually feel somewhat important. I was always such a bitch to him, and I saw him today, looking completely tweaked out and awful and skinny. He told me his parents kicked him out of the house and he has this delusion that he’s going to move to Mississippi after graduation and make a better life for himself. He’s completely convinced he’s fine.” I turned to Dr. Barham, who just looked at me as if he was asking why I was telling him this.

I turned to walk towards him and rested my hands on both sides of the chair he was sitting in. I was close to his face and he fidgeted and looked away from me awkwardly.

“Uh, Peyton, what are you-”

“I’m not like him,” I whispered. “I’m not delusional, I know that I’m not some completely screwed up girl that tells myself I’m fine and that I’m okay... I know what I saw. And I know that you know what I saw.”

“Peyton, I don’t quite know exactly what you’re talking about.”

“Damnit, Barham!” I yelled and stood up until I was looking down at him. “Why are you doing this?”

“I think you need to talk to your parents about whatever you feel I have done to you or to your family, because I honestly do not know.”

I put my hands on my hips and looked down at him, fuming. I took a deep breath and angrily grabbed my purse and left his office. I walked to the bus stop, waited, and finally got on a bus home, where I knew that this would be the time that I’d tell my family what my mother is doing, and how messed up this whole situation is. Barham wasn’t going to admit it, so I was going to make her admit it, to my family and make them know what a liar she is.

I walked up to my driveway to see my brother and my dad playing basketball in front of the garage. Kingston was wearing some cut off T-shirt that made him look like a meathead and my dad looked like he was about to pass out from exhaustion.

“I need to talk to you both,” I said under my breath. My brother grabbed the ball from my dad and held it to his side.

“We’re playing a game,” Kingston said. I looked up at my brother and shook my head.

“You wanted to know what’s going on with me, here’s your chance,” I told him.

“Are you okay?” My father said quietly. He was always such a quiet and reserved man. I think that was the first time I have ever heard him ever ask me if I was okay.

“Just please come inside,” I replied. They both followed me inside as I quickly walked in and headed towards the kitchen where my mother was putting something away in the refrigerator. “Tell him,” I said to her.

She closed the refrigerator door and turned to me.

“Peyton, what are you-”

“Tell him!” I yelled loudly. My father’s eyes widened but I just continued to stare at my mother.

“Peyton, there is nothing to tell,” She replied.

I turned to my dad who was standing next to Kingston, both with confused expressions on their faces.

“That night you had me go to the grocery store to get pasta,” I said to him. “As I was getting it, I saw mom and another man down an aisle. I didn’t know how to tell you, so I kept it a secret. And then she had the audacity to send me to him, as my therapist.”

My dad’s widened eyes looked over at my mother, who had her hands over her mouth, as if she was shocked that I'd ever 'say such a thing.'

“Why is Peyton saying this?” My father asked her. My mother shook her head.

“I.. I don’t know,” She replied. “Fred, I honestly don’t know. She has been accusing me of this for months, I keep telling her that she must have imagined me there.”

“I didn’t imagine anything!” I screamed. “Damnit, mother I’m not crazy! How could I imagine someone with you who I had at the time never before seen in my life?!”

“Peyton, I would never cheat on your father,” My mom said angrily. “You are disgusting for accusing me of this.”

I turned to my father.

“Dad, you have to believe me,” I stated. “I wouldn’t just say this if I knew it wasn’t true.”

My father didn’t respond so I looked over at Kingston, who had the mixed emotions of shock, sickness and confusion on his face.

“Kingston,” I began, but my mother’s deep voice interrupted mine.

“Peyton, stop it, now,” She snapped. “Fred, I think it’s time we called the hospital that Dr. Philander mentioned to us. I thought I could handle her, but I can’t. I can’t do this anymore, not when she’s trying to break up our marriage over a lie.”

“I’m not lying! Dad, I’m not lying!” I was in hysterics now, but my dad stayed perfectly still, like stone, like he always has been. Only seeing what he wanted to see, only believing what he chose to believe. He never treated me like anyone else did because he continued to try to convince himself that I was like everyone else. He thought I was just as crazy as everyone said I was, but he chose to ignore it.

“I… I think you need to go to your room, Peyton,” My father replied, his voice shaken. Kingston continued just to watch, not knowing how to react.

“I agree,” My mother replied. “Your father and I need to talk alone.”

I turned to my mother, with complete hatred in my eyes.

“Fuck you,” I spat.

I quickly darted towards my father’s car keys that were placed on a keyhook in the kitchen and then walked quickly towards the garage door.

“Where are you going, young lady!” I heard my mother yell. I ran into the garage and towards my father's dumb ass Mercedes Benz that he bought during his mid life crisis and swung open the door to let myself inside. I reached up quickly to press the button to open the garage door and then backed out, fast. My mom and my dad and Kingston ran into the garage after me.

I peeled out of the driveway and began driving faster and faster and faster down our road. I looked in my rearview mirror to see my family, standing in the driveway, watching me as I drove away. I could imagine my mother grabbing onto my father’s arm to say something like “Just let her go, let her blow off some steam. She’ll be back. And then we’ll figure out what to do with her.”

I screamed loudly in the car, completely furious that my mother could just stand there and make me out to be the nutcase, while she continued to flaunt around in her dream of 50’s motherhood with the perfect husband and modest house. Where she could fuck another guy behind my dad’s back, and get away with it by pinning her daughter, the only one who knew, as the crazy one.

And as I drove away and with every mile I took, I wondered if I’d ever be considered as something different.