Broken Forever

“I’m not leaving forever. Just for now.” His voice was rough in my ear. I could slap him. I wanted to hurt him as much as he was hurting me. Nothing would ever be the same.

“You say that right now. But I can’t believe you.” The hot tears coursed down my cheeks. My foundation was cracking and melting away. Not just on my face but in my life.

“Why would I stay? You’re not there. It’s just a couple of months and you’ll visit.” His hands brushed my cheeks. It was like sandpaper. I couldn’t stand his touch right now. The more he touched me the more I would miss him.

“There are lots of girls there. You could find someone. It’s not like you’re ‘aunt’ will stop you.” The bitterness of my voice amazed me. I didn’t know how I could be so cold towards him.

He was leaving. Ben was leaving and I expected it to be forever. His aunt was giving him an opportunity I knew he couldn’t pass up. A chance to write for two months in a world renowned writing workshop. Who was I to stop him? He needed to follow his dreams just as much as I needed to follow mine.

“You are not just a girl. I could find a girl, but you are the girl I want. I will come back and you will never have to be alone after that. I swear to you.” His parting kiss was like a cruel joke.

It was long and beautiful. Nothing would pull me away if it hadn’t been for him ending it. The look in his eyes told me that he didn’t want to end it, but he had to. No matter what he said, he was leaving me. Maybe not forever, but for now, and that was enough to drive me wild.

He got into his Saturn and looked right into my eyes before pulling away. He would be gone for two months. He was leaving me here. Here to cope with my life. A dank apartment, job, and no life. He was my life and now he was gone. I could be a crazy sex goddess and cheat and lie to him, but to me that wasn’t living. To me that was passing the time and waiting to die.

“Do not cry cherie. He will return. It is after all l’amour.” My French landlord, Harriet attempted to soothe me, but her delicate hand didn’t help.

“Merci Harriet. I think I’m going to go up to my apartment now.” I smiled weakly at the kind woman and hurried inside.

The apartment was dark and I made my way up to my floor. Of course the elevator was permanently broken. When I reached my familiar wooden door with the number sign Ben had nailed up, I could feel tears coming. He had done so much that would remind me of him. Every day until he came back would be like torture.

It seemed strange that the apartment looked the same. As if my life hadn’t just taken a wrong turn. Everything was still there, still in its place. The worn out couch where we had spent so many late nights together was still there, the painting of our names encased in a heart was still there. Genevieve and Ben Forever. He had painted it on the wall when we had moved in. So simple, but so meaningful.

I went into our bedroom. There was one of his shirts. It still smelt like him. His side of the bed was jumbled and messed up, like it always was. His pillow still held his scent. He would be back.

I was in the middle of hugging that pillow when my phone rang shrilly. My dream state quickly evaporated as I scrambled out of our room and into the kitchen.

“Hello?” My voice was breathy and you could hear a tone of sadness and loss.

“Are you okay?” A female voice, my sister’s if I had to guess, asked me worriedly.

“Yeah. I’m fine.” The last person I wanted to talk to was my sister. All she wanted was something to fill her unfulfilled life with.

“Seriously? Come on you must be a little bit upset.” Her voice sounded disappointed. Ha.

“Yeah I’m upset but I’ll be fine. I’ve got to go to work. Talk to you later.” I hung up the phone before she could object. She didn’t care if he was gone and I was sad. She was bored with her thirty year old life, so why not ask your nineteen year old sister if she’s heartbroken?

My sister, Giselle, was a mother of a newborn baby boy named Fenwick, that’s right, Fenwick. Terrible name. She had married a few years ago to a guy named Philippe. They fell in love one night at an art opening and that was it.

After hanging up the phone I realized that I was late for work. It’s hard being a college student and having a job. At least I will be busy and won’t have as much time to think about Ben.

I worked at a place called Henri’s Herbs. A spa where they used choice herbs to “soothe your soul”. I was just a receptionist and I found it best not to ask questions.

When I walked in the door the scent of ginger assaulted my senses. Henri must’ve been concocting a new formula to soothe a woman’s heartache, or any ache she had. It was empty, which was actually pretty unusual. Henri’s had become pretty popular with the release of his book. Yes, he had written a book. How cliché.

“Hello my dear. We aren’t as busy today as you can see, so if any customers come in tell them that we have a new promotion. Two rosemary scrubs for the price of one. I think it’s a magnificent deal, don’t you?” Henri smiled and disappeared back into his large office.

No, Henri isn’t gay. Yes, he is married. Yes, it is incredible that he isn’t gay and that he owns a spa. I slumped down into my soft receptionist chair. My computer hadn’t been turned on yet and my papers were all messed up. I guess the janitor had been feeling nosy.

“Oh I know! The rosemary scrubs are just great here!” Two smiling women walked in the door.

One was in a expensive looking tracksuit and the other was in yoga pants and a workout shirt. They both had brown hair and botoxed faces. Rich bitches. They were the most common customer here. The women that would do anything to look beautiful.

“Hello. I would like two rosemary scrubs.” The one in the tracksuit smiled, flashing her too white teeth at me.

“You’re in luck. We have special promotion today. Two rosemary scrubs for the price of one.” I smiled happily as if this was the best thing to ever happen in the history of the world.

“Oh that’s just perfect!” The woman in the tracksuit’s smile went from a thousand watts to a million. Rich people are so cheap.

I endured six hours of women coming in and out of Henri’s before I was finally free. When I left I realized that Ben had probably arrived and was going to call any minute. I had to get home.

I ran the three blocks and hurried into my apartment. The red light on my answering machine was flashing. I felt the smile grow on my lips. Ben had called and I would finally get to hear his voice.

I eagerly pressed the button. It wasn’t Ben’s voice that rang through the speaker. It was a man’s, and it carried awful news.

“Miss. Plaisir I am constable Richard Hayes. Ben Gerard’s mother told us that we should call you. I’m sorry to say that his car was found in the bush and we recovered his body-“ With a gasp I erased the message. Ben was gone. Forever.