Broken Forever

A few days after the terrible news I decided that it was time to go back to school and try to live again. I had holed myself up in my apartment for three days, I didn’t speak to anyone except for “Ben” or more accurately, myself. Was he there or was I crazy? I honestly don’t know.

One of my University professors had called and told me that he was sorry for my loss and that I could take as much time I needed from classes. I didn’t want to miss a whole five day week, so I had to go back.

Without Ben at the apartment I was alone, I didn’t talk to people. My sister had called, but she was the last person that could comfort me. The phone had rang a lot the past three days. When I had gotten out of bed to check my messages I had ten. There was one from my sister, my parents, my grandma, my friend Ariel, two from Ben’s parents, one from the University professor, one from Henri, and two from my best friend Rose. They all said the same thing except for Ben’s mother. They were sorry for my loss and they hoped I would feel better. Ben’s mother had wanted to discuss funeral arrangements and stuff like that. She didn’t know that I wasn’t going to go to a funeral for Ben. He was still here. I could feel it. A funeral would be too final.

When I was done getting ready I realized that I didn’t look like I was in mourning. I looked normal. My blond hair was cascading down around me, my blue eyes were lightly lined with eyeliner and heavily lashed. My cheeks had color thanks to blush. My jeans and sweater looked put together and cheery. My eyes had their shine back again. I felt terrible for looking normal, but the hope that he was still here was what got me out of bed in the morning and what stopped me from dying.

I sighed at the memory of the messages and grabbed the few school books I had taken home for studying. I walked out of the apartment and was almost attacked by Harriet.

“Ma cherie! Are you alright? I heard and couldn’t stop crying. Ben was one of zee greatest boys I have ever met!” Harriet sobbed in her French accent.

“I’m as alright as I’ll ever be. I’m sure Ben’s watching over me.” I smiled weakly. I wouldn’t let my tears return. I had to get back out into the world. I needed to move on. Even if Ben was still here, I needed to find someone new eventually. I didn’t want to be alone forever.

I gave Harriet a hug and continued on, down the three flights of stairs. I know it was too soon to be out again. I know i should have at least another week, but I couldn’t. Living with sadness clouding my brain was going to kill me.

The sun was bright. My eyes hadn’t been exposed to sun in four days. The light seemed too bright, as if nothing should be that bright. Not without some happiness. The world should be dark and rainy. Wars should be raging over his death. The sun shouldn’t be allowed to shine.

The tears pricked my eyes again. I couldn’t stop them. They were like a tattoo of my loss. I needed to get the tattoo removed. I could only live so long with a broken heart.

“Are you alright dear?” An old woman, carrying a bag of groceries asked me. She sounded concerned. Then I realized tears were freely falling.

I looked at that old woman’s face. Her brown eyes, her laugh lines, all signs of joy. I envied that old woman. She was probably going home to her husband of fifty years and they would have a loving dinner. They got to have each other for fifty years, and I only had Ben for one before he was ripped cruelly from my life. I wanted to hurt her and her perfect life. It just wasn’t fair.

“Yeah I’m fine.” I pushed past the old lady and harshly wiped the tears from my face. Who cared if Ben had broken Forever? I would find someone else. Someone who cared enough about me to not go and…

What was I thinking? He hadn’t died on purpose. I was being irrational. He hadn’t wanted to break Forever. It had just happened.

The big stone building of the university came into view. It scared me, knowing that I would have to sit still and listen to someone talk. Could I even handle this? I don’t think so.

I found myself turning around and going back to my apartment. My refuge. I was safe there, surrounded by memories of him.

When I reached the apartment it didn’t have the soothing affect I had hoped it would. Ben had touched everything in here, and that made all the more unbearable.

The phone rang, and forgetting for an instant that it was a bad idea to answer, I picked it up. “Hello?” It was one of the first times I had used my voice since Ben left I sounded hoarse and everything I said made me sound like I was on the brink of breaking down.

“Wow I can’t believe you actually answered! Okay it’s Rose and I’m coming over now that I know you’re alive!” Rose’s perky and excited voice cheered and hung up before I told her that I really just wanted to be alone with my broken Forever.

I looked around me realized that my apartment was a total mess. If Rose saw this she would probably start fawning over me, and that was the last thing I needed. I quickly cleaned all over the piled up dirty dishes, I put the couch cushions back on, and I went to make the bed. But I couldn’t. I hadn’t touched it, hadn’t even slept in it, for days. It was perfect the way it was. Covered in his scent and knowing that he had made it like that, I just couldn’t change it.

“Harriet let me in! Don’t hide because that’s a useless idea!” Rose bounded into the apartment and came straight to my and Ben’s room.

“I’m not hiding.” Compared to Rose I sounded like someone that had been tortured for years, she was such a happy person.

“Oh my god!” Rose enveloped me in her arms. She was a lot taller and broader than me so it was comforting. It was nice to be fully surrounded by someone real and solid and here. Not someone that I couldn’t see, but could only believe in.

“I’m sorry I never called you back.” I half sobbed into Rose’s shoulder. Her grip on me tightened.

“I don’t blame you. You need time. We all know how much you and Ben loved each other. Now listen, I’m taking you out clubbing tonight. You’re going to forget that you’re sad and we’re even going to find you a new man!” Rose waved my arms around, trying to get me excited. And in a way I was. I didn’t want to be a weepy depressed person my entire life, it just wasn’t my style.

“Alright fine. I will go, but please don’t start introducing me to random guys.” I half laughed, the first attempt at a laugh I had made in days.

“Of course not! Besides we’re gonna make you so hot the guys will come to you!” Rose ran to my closet and began to rummage through it.

Knowing Rose, she would pick a fuck-me dress. Rose was crazy about fuck-me dresses. I couldn’t remember the last time I had gone clubbing. Ever since I had met Ben, I hadn’t needed to.

“Alright here it is. This is the dress you have to wear. Guys will be all over you!” Rose pulled out a dark purple dress with black lace. Ben had bought it for me on my birthday. It seemed so wrong to wear it to pick up guys.

“I don’t think that’s the best choice. Ben bought that for me. It seems wrong.” I shifted uncomfortably. I felt like a baby refusing to wear something, but I had to respect that he was probably still lurking in the apartment, trying to communicate with me.

“Okay fine. Here.” Rose through a pair of dark jeans at me and a sexy camisole my sister gave me for Christmas.

I pulled them on and brushed through my blond hair quickly. It settled wildly around my shoulders. I had to admit, I looked better than I had in about a week. I hadn’t tried to look sexy to go out with friends in a long time. It was so freeing. My heart fluttered at the possibilities I had in front of me. Single, hot, mourning, vulnerable. Maybe tonight could be fun. Just for a while.

“You look damn fine.” Rose smiled and pulled on one of my many dresses. She was four inches taller than me so the dress was dangerously, and sexily, short on her.

“As do you. Pretty short dress.” I laughed and twirled around. I hadn’t felt so lighthearted for a while. I felt so happy and giddy, but I also felt guilty. Did I deserve to be so happy after what had happened to Ben?

“Okay. We’re going to Sinful. I don’t want you to think about Ben. Tonight is all about you being happy.” Rose grabbed my hand and ran out of the apartment.

As we ran by I saw Harriet smile. She was like a mother to me and I could only imagine that she was happy that I was finally showing some signs of being okay again.

The night air soothed my warm skin. All of that crying made me hot. All of the sadness built up like fire, and now I need to burn it out. I felt truly alive and I imagined Ben right beside me, smiling at the sight of my smile. That thought brought on the biggest smile I had ever had.

“You look happy.” Rose giggled and nudged me. I faced her, the smile still stuck on my lips.

We arrived outside of Sinful. There was a pretty long line, but Rose and I sauntered right up to the front. The bouncer was big and scary, but we had dealt with them before.

“Hey handsome. My friend here just lost her boyfriend a few days ago and we’re looking for some fun. I don’t suppose you could supply it.” Rose flirted shamelessly, something she was very good at it.

“Anything for two beautiful women such as yourselves.” He leered at us and opened the rope. Rose ran her hand across his wide chest as we walked in.

Sinful was crowded with hot guys and beautiful women. As usual there were almost more guys, women weren’t as desperate. The bouncers at Sinful didn’t let anyone in who wasn’t good looking. We pushed through the sporadically moving crowds. The sweaty bodies pushed up against us and it only got us more excited. Rose miraculously found two spots at the bar and ordered each of us an apple martini, a classy drink that wouldn’t get us too drunk too fast.

I sipped my drink gingerly. I saw a lot of guys check us out, but none came over. Ben had always told me I was almost scary with my intense eyes, he said I was sexy but like a statue. You can look, but don’t touch or else. I had always thought coming from him it was a compliment, but from anyone else I would’ve felt very insulted.

“Hey.” An extremely good looking guy smiled and came up to me at the bar. Rose was already gone, dancing with some guy that had offered her a drink.

“Hello.” I gave him a little grin over the rim of my cup. I would like to waste some dances with him. He was so good looking.

“My name’s Greg. What’s yours?” He smiled and placed his hand on my leg.

“Genevieve.” I giggled. His hand tickled my thigh. I was sensitive to being touched.

“That’s a beautiful name. French?” He asked as he motioned to the bartender.

“Yes it is.” It was a stupid question, everyone knew it was a French name, but I smiled anyways. I needed someone to waste some time with.

“Can I get another apple martini and a vodka?” He smiled at the bartender than turned his attention back to me. “So I’m guessing a pretty girl like you has a boyfriend lurking around here somewhere?”

“No he…died.” My voice faltered a bit, but I kept my smile and composure. I wouldn’t break down. I had to stay sexy.

“I’m so sorry. Well, mostly. I mean if he was still here we wouldn’t be talking after all. But I’m sorry for your loss.” He smiled sincerely. He didn’t make my heart melt like Ben did, but there was a bit of a flutter.

“It’s alright. He would’ve wanted me to be happy.” I sipped my new martini and leaned in towards him. He smelt like vodka and cologne, a nice enough mix.

“Who wouldn’t want a pretty little thing like you to be happy?” He brushed his fingers across my cheek. It was a nice sensation.

I missed the sensation of being touched because someone was attracted to me. I missed having someone want me. Greg’s fingers brushing my cheeks told the fire held inside to let loose. To dance with him, to touch him more, to love him.

“Let’s dance. That would make me happy.” I smiled and pulled him off of the stool and onto the dance floor.

He participated willingly. We grinded on the dance floor. Our bodies generated so much heat together. The fire finally escaping. I had so much left in me. It would take years to burn up. I pulled him even closer and smashed my lips onto his.

He screamed and backed away. I fell on the floor in surprise. He was screaming and yelling, he splashed someone’s drink onto his mouth. I crawled back from him a bit on the floor. HE finally stopped screaming and sat down heavily at the bar. I hurried over to him.

“What happened? Are you alright?” Panic rose within me. It was too coincidental.

“My lips. They were burning. At first when we kissed it was warm, but the heat went crazy.” He half whimpered as the bartender gave him a water.

“I’m so sorry! I should probably go.” My face was burning with embarrassment. Ben had to have been the one to do this. He was jealous.

“Here. Give me your number. I’ll call you.” He smiled sweetly. I scribbled my number on a napkin before running out of the nightclub.

“Ben! What the hell! Why? Please come back or just let me live! I can’t spend my entire life with someone I just have to hope is standing by me! I can’t do this much longer! People will think I’m crazy!” I screamed into the sky. The night was clear, and people in the line were looking at me. I broke down into heaving sobs and ran home.

So much for forgetting Forever.