Indifferent Confusion

Rain
Ashleigh seemed to get me and he knew where I was coming from. Though he still wouldn’t tell me what he did, he and I were becoming close and shared our ever changing philosophies of life. He understood why I felt like I was more lonely than ever and he knew the feeling that we fucked up beyond repair. Why didn’t Holden understand?

I was pretty distant during breakfast and morning classes, I just was not in the mood. I didn’t flirt with my history teacher, I didn’t voice my opinion in TORQ, and I just did not care. The guys were getting on my case during lunch because I wasn’t being myself, but Ashleigh get them off my back. He was a great guy to have as a friend.

During free time, I decided that I needed to talk to Holden and get things straightened out. So I went to his flat and knocked on the door, not sure what exactly I was supposed to say. When he opened the door and stared at me for a while without saying anything, I was regretting my decision to talk to him.

“Hear me out before you decide to shut the door in my face,” I pleaded. Slowly, he moved from the doorway so that I could enter the house.

“These are my roommates Tim, Justin, and Anthony,” he told me, seeming just as uncomfortable as I felt. The guys just stared at us, not knowing what to think of the situation.

Holden went to sit on the ratty couch so I followed suit, all the while knowing his roommates were watching very intently. He started at me, willing me to say what I needed to say, but I wasn’t sure what that was exactly. I was still trying to warp my mind around his behavior. He would never look like that after a fight-usually he never wanted to hear an apology and we would just have sex and everything would be okay. But I was not about to give him an apology if that was what he was after.

“Do you understand where I’m coming from?” I asked him, unable to find anything else to say.

“No, I don’t Rain, I really don’t,” he answered. His jaw was clenched tight and I knew he wanted to just go back to the way things were before we were arrested. Before Jake.

“Holden, I don’t want to get out of here in two years and then get put right back in jail. Maybe what we were doing wasn’t the best way to deal with things. I know that you needed to do something-I wasn’t about to let him get off with nothing for what he did-but maybe we should have thought more about it.”

“You didn’t like the gift?” He was talking about the heart and he seemed genuinely upset at the thought that I didn’t like it.

“No, babe I loved the gift. It was what I wanted so badly and you knew that, but I just don’t know if we should have done that.”

“Then what if we didn’t Rainy? What do you think would have happened if I didn’t give you the gift?” I knew that he hadn’t told anyone what we did. He kept it a secret just like I did because if he hadn’t, he would have just said ‘what if we didn’t kill him?’ “Don’t even pretend you wouldn’t fall for it again because I know you and I know that power he had over you. If he would have offered, things would happen all over again so it was the only way to ensure you wouldn’t ever leave me again.”

I looked at my hands in my lap, ashamed of the power Jake had over me. “You’re right, I would have gone back t him, but I don’t think it would have been the same. I knew what he would do so I don’t think I would have fallen for it so easily. I wouldn’t have left you though, that would be the big difference. Maybe it would have given him a taste of his own medicine.”

“So you would have cheated on me. Well I feel so much better now that that’s all cleared up.” His sarcasm was masking his real feelings, that much I knew, but I couldn’t figure out what he really felt. “Don’t you see that that is the exact reason why we had to do it? Maybe it was a little rash, I’ll give you that, but there was nothing else for me to do. He was your drug, don’t you get it? He wasn’t healthy for you, he was killing you, but you would always need him. That’s why I had to stop you cold turkey.”

“Maybe stopping cold turkey could have killed me! Maybe I needed you to wean me away so I knew how to live after it was all over! I don’t know how to live because we’re in juvie, Holden. We’d be doing serious time if we weren’t minors; you do realize that, don’t you?”

“Yes Rainelle, I realize that, but what did you want me to do? We did the only thing there was to do so I’m sorry if you’re having doubts about it.”

“Of course I’m having doubts Holden. We’re going to hell and that’s all there is to it.”

“Oh here we go with that again. I don’t think you realize that we were headed to hell long before we did this. We pulled so much shit in the last few years that there are probably pedestals down there with our names on them. you never cared about this before so why start now?”

I was furious at him for actually fighting with me about that. Who really wanted to go to hell? Honestly? No matter what I said to him, he would never get it through his head that we were not in a good place. It took me a trip to juvie to realize it, but I finally grasped the concept that being good didn’t mean being boring.

“So you’re perfectly fine with being here? You can honestly stand there and look me in the face to tell me that you don’t mind being in juvie?”

He looked me right in the face with a scowl on his lips. “No Rain, I don’t care that we’re here because I know that what we did was the only option. It should prove to you that I’m here to stay and you cannot get rid of me.”