Indifferent Confusion

I’m not a slut. Some-well most-people thought I was because I was so public with my affection for Holden, but that didn’t mean I was a whore. I never cheated on him and I never slept with Jake. Holden was my first and only so I did not think of myself as a slut.

Classes were weird to say the least. We had English, history, Spanish, and what was called Theory of Respect and Questioning. English and Spanish were super easy, mainly because I was good at English and I could speak fluently in Spanish. TORQ was the biggest joke ever and I could basically say anything I wanted in the “questions” portion. It was the respect part that left me a little screwed.

History? Well, funny story about that class actually. I’ve always hated history so I kind of just gave the teacher this seductive smile and then he was wrapped around my finger. That simple.

You can call me a slut now. I was calling myself a slut all through lunch, but the guys just laughed. It wasn’t like I was actually going to do anything- I wasn’t that much of a bitch.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m the apathetic bitch; there’s nothing disputable about that. But these guys were just as fucked up as me and we actually had a pretty healthy relationship forming. I can’t say that ire ally relished the new friendships because being alone always seemed to work out better for me in the long run, but we were getting along better than I had anticipated.

So they were all pretty impressed with my physical abilities when we got to training. The dude, Matt was his name, was this super intense, scary as hell mass of muscle. He was also giving Jeremy the eye so I made a mental note to let him know that. But the guy was pretty awesome I guess, in an I’m-going-to-eat-you-if-you-don’t-listen-to-me type of way.

I decided to walk around the grounds during free time and just get a feel for things. Though training went well, I started to feel this loneliness welling up inside me that I hadn’t ever felt before. For as long as I could remember, I’d been so deep in all kinds of shit and never stopped to look at my life, look at how fucked up it had become.

Holden was always there when I needed him so I never had time to feel lonely. Maybe that’s why we had sex so much- as soon as I started feeling lonely, I would just cling to him. And he was a guy so it wasn’t like he was going to stop me. He wanted it and it made me feel loved so we did it, simple as that.

I always told myself that I’d be the type of girl who would keep sex sacred and I’d save it for marriage, but then Jake fucked me over so badly. Twice, in fact. After that happened, all I wanted was to be loved and I also wanted revenge. And killing him beside my true love seemed to be the ultimate form of revenge. We tore his heart out so that, for once, I had his instead of the other way around. But maybe we should have thought more about it.

I found a lake. Well, maybe not so much a lake as a big area of water, but either way, it was beautiful and seemed so out of place in a detention center for guys. Why was I even there? Shouldn’t I have been with girls or did they just not feel like dealing with me? Wouldn’t have been the first time.

“Hey baby,” I heard from behind me. I looked up from my spot on the ground to see Holden looking down at me. I gave him a small smile, unable to mask my feelings.

“Uh-oh, I know that face. What are you thinking about?” he wondered. Our relationship may have seemed like it was only physical, but it was so much more than that.

“Just stuff,” I replied. He gave me a look that said he knew more was up with me. “Jake.” I sighed, knowing that he would not be happy to hear about it.

“Seriously Rainy? After everything he did to you-to us- you still give him your time? You’re completely unbelievable.”

“I just think we may have been a little too hasty with killing him. Maybe there was a better way to deal with things.”

“He used you Rain, he cheated. What did you expect me to do when I saw you laying there crying? Rain, in all the time I’ve known you, that was the only time I ever saw you cry. How could I just stand by and let him destroy you?”

“I didn’t mean that you shouldn’t have done anything, but Holden we’re going to hell damn it.”

“Since when are you concerned with that? We’ve done so much shit and now you want to worry about going to hell?”

“Thou shall not kill, Holden! I mean breaking thou shall not steal is bad enough, but I know I’ll never be forgiven for this one. We fucked up big time.”

“So you think you’re not worth fighting for? You don’t expect me to have the balls to do what I have to for you and for us?”

“We didn’t have to kill him! That’s all I’m saying.”

“Man, this place is messing you up. Let me know when my Rainelle comes back.” He walked away, knowing full well that I got super pissed when he did that.