PTSD: My Secret Struggle
Chapter Two: School
School.
School was the one place where I could get away from family, my annoying little brother and the only place that could keep me safe from myself. However, getting up a going wasn't an easy thing. Calls at 6:30 in the morning to tell me to get up and start getting ready, that we would all meet at Rina's house by 7 to start making our journey slowly to school, and me always being late. Both Rina and Jessica would get upset with me for constantly being late or even not telling them that I wouldn't be showing up that morning, and everytime it happened I felt a twinge at my heart but never thought much about it.
I kept them at arms length and I didn't know why. They were my best friends yet I would constantly run away from them, how could I runaway from people who love me so? Especially now since of the recent break-up. My depression got worse, along with the nightmares as September ended, and October began. School was driving me crazy by then and for some reason, I found refuge relaying my feelings out into the open for everyone to read. Blogging, they call it that now but back then it was just simple, Xanga. Almost everyone had one, and I sure as hell spent sometime on it just writing down things, and meeting people.
The one thing I didn't expect though from the upcoming months, was the boy staring down at me from across the gym every morning during line up. My friends remember him as the boy they thought was cute the year previous while I just knew him as a stranger. A friend set us up, the first words he ever spoke to me, as I confided my slight fear in men was, "I'm different." Oh, and how different he was. As happy as he had made me, some of my worst moments spawned from him after our tragic and sadly widely announced break-up. Along with the break-up (not to shortly before hand) were with rumors of me wanting to kill myself. Someone had seen the scars and asked me if I was okay and what was going on. However, as I confided in them, they took it to everyone else. And as I sat in that gymnasim begging for my teacher to come downstairs to take us up to class, the clock ticked slowly.
I couldn't stand the whispers and the sympathy stares I was getting from my ex and his friends. It drove me crazy as I could feel my heart race, my palms sweat, and my vision become fuzzing, I quickly wrote myself a pass to go see my mother. And as I was writing this pass, I could hear more whispers, much more clearly now.
"It's probably a suicide note."
"I'm surprised she hasn't killed herself already."
"He broke up with her so I'm not surprised if she would."
My best friend wasn't here to protect me from their words that day, so yet again did I run to my mother to ask for the refuge of my home. When I got home, I cried some more into my pillow until I fell asleep.
No, I obviously wasn't the popular girl, even though I had slept over the popular girls house that summer, I was still the freak. But for some reason, even in her time of need, I pushed Rina away. Rina, the person who made me glimpse at my past, made me think about things that I had never thought about before, which sparked the nightmares. While Jessica kept her own secret, as she continuiously scolded me for cutting myself not understanding, while I myself never really understood why other then an outlet for my repressed anger and sadness, when all the while she was fighting her own demons.
School was the one place where I could get away from family, my annoying little brother and the only place that could keep me safe from myself. However, getting up a going wasn't an easy thing. Calls at 6:30 in the morning to tell me to get up and start getting ready, that we would all meet at Rina's house by 7 to start making our journey slowly to school, and me always being late. Both Rina and Jessica would get upset with me for constantly being late or even not telling them that I wouldn't be showing up that morning, and everytime it happened I felt a twinge at my heart but never thought much about it.
I kept them at arms length and I didn't know why. They were my best friends yet I would constantly run away from them, how could I runaway from people who love me so? Especially now since of the recent break-up. My depression got worse, along with the nightmares as September ended, and October began. School was driving me crazy by then and for some reason, I found refuge relaying my feelings out into the open for everyone to read. Blogging, they call it that now but back then it was just simple, Xanga. Almost everyone had one, and I sure as hell spent sometime on it just writing down things, and meeting people.
The one thing I didn't expect though from the upcoming months, was the boy staring down at me from across the gym every morning during line up. My friends remember him as the boy they thought was cute the year previous while I just knew him as a stranger. A friend set us up, the first words he ever spoke to me, as I confided my slight fear in men was, "I'm different." Oh, and how different he was. As happy as he had made me, some of my worst moments spawned from him after our tragic and sadly widely announced break-up. Along with the break-up (not to shortly before hand) were with rumors of me wanting to kill myself. Someone had seen the scars and asked me if I was okay and what was going on. However, as I confided in them, they took it to everyone else. And as I sat in that gymnasim begging for my teacher to come downstairs to take us up to class, the clock ticked slowly.
I couldn't stand the whispers and the sympathy stares I was getting from my ex and his friends. It drove me crazy as I could feel my heart race, my palms sweat, and my vision become fuzzing, I quickly wrote myself a pass to go see my mother. And as I was writing this pass, I could hear more whispers, much more clearly now.
"It's probably a suicide note."
"I'm surprised she hasn't killed herself already."
"He broke up with her so I'm not surprised if she would."
My best friend wasn't here to protect me from their words that day, so yet again did I run to my mother to ask for the refuge of my home. When I got home, I cried some more into my pillow until I fell asleep.
No, I obviously wasn't the popular girl, even though I had slept over the popular girls house that summer, I was still the freak. But for some reason, even in her time of need, I pushed Rina away. Rina, the person who made me glimpse at my past, made me think about things that I had never thought about before, which sparked the nightmares. While Jessica kept her own secret, as she continuiously scolded me for cutting myself not understanding, while I myself never really understood why other then an outlet for my repressed anger and sadness, when all the while she was fighting her own demons.