PTSD: My Secret Struggle
Chapter Three: Happiness
I find it funny how everyone thinks that young teenagers can't fall in love. How can you tell someone that they don't know how they feel? They know what they feel and sometimes an intense crush can be mistaken for love, but not until you reach a certain peak with someone can you really say you love them.
Now I know I never loved my ex, but for some reason even after I dated someone else, my ex was the ultimate reason as to why I left him. It hurt me so much because I knew I had hurt him. I knew he had cried over me and in my head I could only think of how I should be punished. Those nightmares flashing in my head with his kind words, while at the same time something screaming at me that I was a bad person. That I let bad things happen and all I could think about was raking the knife deeper and deeper into my skin on my arms and shoulder blade. I still have the faint hint of a scar, three small marks all one right after the other.
That night was a night I knew I would never forget, because along with pain, came the excuses. I lied to my parents, my friends, my doctor even who surely was convinced that it was something other than my own nails scratching at dry skin. How right she was, she'll never know. But from that great grievance in my life I met someone who completely turned my world inside out.
Reed.
Reed was this wonderful mans name. I fell head over heals for him, towards the end of the year. And as my life began to take a strangely happier tone, the nightmares faded.
I no longer fought the hands that kept grabbing at me, I no longer feared waking up in darkness, begging for the light. I no longer needed to feel the relief of the jagged blade across my wrist and no longer cared for the comments people made even when I had read the book Cut. You should have heard them then.
However, with my newfound happiness, yet again would I fall prey to the hidden horror story that was building up within Jessica. Rina's story had already been told and in a sense dealt with, but when you live with the one thing you utterly distaste, it's not exactly dealt with now is it?
Now I know I never loved my ex, but for some reason even after I dated someone else, my ex was the ultimate reason as to why I left him. It hurt me so much because I knew I had hurt him. I knew he had cried over me and in my head I could only think of how I should be punished. Those nightmares flashing in my head with his kind words, while at the same time something screaming at me that I was a bad person. That I let bad things happen and all I could think about was raking the knife deeper and deeper into my skin on my arms and shoulder blade. I still have the faint hint of a scar, three small marks all one right after the other.
That night was a night I knew I would never forget, because along with pain, came the excuses. I lied to my parents, my friends, my doctor even who surely was convinced that it was something other than my own nails scratching at dry skin. How right she was, she'll never know. But from that great grievance in my life I met someone who completely turned my world inside out.
Reed.
Reed was this wonderful mans name. I fell head over heals for him, towards the end of the year. And as my life began to take a strangely happier tone, the nightmares faded.
I no longer fought the hands that kept grabbing at me, I no longer feared waking up in darkness, begging for the light. I no longer needed to feel the relief of the jagged blade across my wrist and no longer cared for the comments people made even when I had read the book Cut. You should have heard them then.
However, with my newfound happiness, yet again would I fall prey to the hidden horror story that was building up within Jessica. Rina's story had already been told and in a sense dealt with, but when you live with the one thing you utterly distaste, it's not exactly dealt with now is it?