PTSD: My Secret Struggle
Chapter Four: Heartbroken
You know, half the time I sit here and wonder what my life would have been without Rina or Jessica. As bad as the nightmares were, in a sense they were necessary. Makes me wonder if someone like Paris Hilton had had a great tragedy in their life they wouldn't be as vain as they currently are. Makes me think that if I hadn't gone through what I had gone through, would I have turned out as vain and still craving the need to fit in?
Most of my life I spent trying to fit in with everybody. But for some reason I was always pushed away. Jokes were made about my skin, my hair, and my eyes. I was too white, my hair was too dark, and my eyes were apparently black (even though there is no such thing) and no matter how hard I tried. I was somehow still labeled at the freak. My crush in kindergarden teased me, my crush from second grade to fifth was always unrequited, and in middle school, as I've told you before, it got no better.
That was, until Reed came along.
He made me feel beautiful, special. He only looked at me whenever we were out and he hung on every word I said, as did I. I remember the night we spent up in a friend’s house, talking until I fell asleep on his chest, waking up in my own drool to find him staring down at me lovingly. That was also the first night, I realized I loved him. He spoke such sweet words to me, making my heart beat faster. He didn't mind my creepy ways and in fact embraced them. For my fourteenth birthday he had gotten me a Gothic English cross that had the symbols for earth, water, air, and fire on it with a small purple gem in the middle, my favorite color.
I can still remember his face, his touch, smell, taste. All of it. Even now I sometimes have vivid dreams of him, still wishing that I could just see him once more. Our demise coming as such a shock to the both us. We were young...I was young, and so restricted. As much as he had helped me, I always felt that I could never help him.
Not only did I have the building suspicion of Jessica's secret that she would hint out to every now and again, confusing me and Rina so, but I had my boyfriend to worry about also. He too was a cutter. His grandmother constantly yelling at him, pestering him. It was one of the reasons as to why he never liked me calling him. Afraid that if she found out, she would start bothering me. When I had first met him, one of the things I noticed was the word 'Fuck' carved into his left arm, the pink fleshy tissue, scared into his arm from the rest of his life. It was a mark that he truly did hate most of the world around him, but when I finally got my hands on him, I felt like I was the only thing that existed to him.
"You're more beautiful
Than a full moon.
The look in your eyes
Tells me it's not too soon."
These were just a fraction of the sweet words he used to whisper and write to me. My whole world became him, even my friends noticed. However, for some reason I was still distant with them.
When summer rolled around was when things started to turn for the worst. Rina was starting to get more and more uncomfortable around her person while Jessica was bursting at the seems.
I remember that day too, the day I found all of it out.
That day, could have been labeled as one of the worst days in my life.
Most of my life I spent trying to fit in with everybody. But for some reason I was always pushed away. Jokes were made about my skin, my hair, and my eyes. I was too white, my hair was too dark, and my eyes were apparently black (even though there is no such thing) and no matter how hard I tried. I was somehow still labeled at the freak. My crush in kindergarden teased me, my crush from second grade to fifth was always unrequited, and in middle school, as I've told you before, it got no better.
That was, until Reed came along.
He made me feel beautiful, special. He only looked at me whenever we were out and he hung on every word I said, as did I. I remember the night we spent up in a friend’s house, talking until I fell asleep on his chest, waking up in my own drool to find him staring down at me lovingly. That was also the first night, I realized I loved him. He spoke such sweet words to me, making my heart beat faster. He didn't mind my creepy ways and in fact embraced them. For my fourteenth birthday he had gotten me a Gothic English cross that had the symbols for earth, water, air, and fire on it with a small purple gem in the middle, my favorite color.
I can still remember his face, his touch, smell, taste. All of it. Even now I sometimes have vivid dreams of him, still wishing that I could just see him once more. Our demise coming as such a shock to the both us. We were young...I was young, and so restricted. As much as he had helped me, I always felt that I could never help him.
Not only did I have the building suspicion of Jessica's secret that she would hint out to every now and again, confusing me and Rina so, but I had my boyfriend to worry about also. He too was a cutter. His grandmother constantly yelling at him, pestering him. It was one of the reasons as to why he never liked me calling him. Afraid that if she found out, she would start bothering me. When I had first met him, one of the things I noticed was the word 'Fuck' carved into his left arm, the pink fleshy tissue, scared into his arm from the rest of his life. It was a mark that he truly did hate most of the world around him, but when I finally got my hands on him, I felt like I was the only thing that existed to him.
"You're more beautiful
Than a full moon.
The look in your eyes
Tells me it's not too soon."
These were just a fraction of the sweet words he used to whisper and write to me. My whole world became him, even my friends noticed. However, for some reason I was still distant with them.
When summer rolled around was when things started to turn for the worst. Rina was starting to get more and more uncomfortable around her person while Jessica was bursting at the seems.
I remember that day too, the day I found all of it out.
That day, could have been labeled as one of the worst days in my life.