PTSD: My Secret Struggle
Chapter Six: Revealed
That night it all became clear, it came through after all the nightmarish fiends disappeared I could finally see what had been plaguing me all these years.
In the nightmare I was being attacked, in the safety of my own bed I could millions of legs crawling up onto me, finding their way under the covers and crawling all over my skin. I could feel something gnawing at my feet, and when I ripped the covers off rats and mice nibbled away at my feet. They crawled over each other, fighting to get to me. And the millions of legs that I had felt before were thousands of bugs atop me. I tried to scream but nothing came out, it sounded almost as if I was choking on air as tears ran down my face.
When I had awoken those tears were real, and my screams had not been silenced in the real world. However, before I had awoken I had seen his face; I had seen his hands, his eyes.
The bugs were his hands roaming my four year old body, just being amazed by what his nine year old hands could touch.
The curiosity of it all drove me to say "okay", unbeknownst to myself what I was saying yes to. For years I had blamed myself, for years I tried to convince myself that it wasn't my fault, but in the end I decided it was a bit of both. It was my fault for staying quite because I wasn't threatened; I just simply trusted and thought I was keeping a secret.
It was a secret...but it wasn't one shared out of childish reasons.
When I had told the others, they understood, they didn't judge and had about as much rage and detest for my older cousin that I had had for their demons. It was something that bonded us together, helped us grow up well beyond our years, as much as we didn't want to.
In the nightmare I was being attacked, in the safety of my own bed I could millions of legs crawling up onto me, finding their way under the covers and crawling all over my skin. I could feel something gnawing at my feet, and when I ripped the covers off rats and mice nibbled away at my feet. They crawled over each other, fighting to get to me. And the millions of legs that I had felt before were thousands of bugs atop me. I tried to scream but nothing came out, it sounded almost as if I was choking on air as tears ran down my face.
When I had awoken those tears were real, and my screams had not been silenced in the real world. However, before I had awoken I had seen his face; I had seen his hands, his eyes.
The bugs were his hands roaming my four year old body, just being amazed by what his nine year old hands could touch.
The curiosity of it all drove me to say "okay", unbeknownst to myself what I was saying yes to. For years I had blamed myself, for years I tried to convince myself that it wasn't my fault, but in the end I decided it was a bit of both. It was my fault for staying quite because I wasn't threatened; I just simply trusted and thought I was keeping a secret.
It was a secret...but it wasn't one shared out of childish reasons.
When I had told the others, they understood, they didn't judge and had about as much rage and detest for my older cousin that I had had for their demons. It was something that bonded us together, helped us grow up well beyond our years, as much as we didn't want to.